We continue...

The current trainees keep telling us about how there'll be socials every evening of our induction week so we can all get to know each other. Meanwhile I'm wondering how the hell I'm going to get through a 45 hour, 5 day induction week alone. Let alone with added social commitments on top. It's just not gonna happen and I feel like it makes me once again not only doomed to be the one who sticks out like a sore thumb in a wheelchair and mask, but also the antisocial one.

And the thing is - how do I even approach this when I inevitably get asked if I'm joining them for that evenings' activities? Either I evade the question and seem at best weird and at worst evasive and rude. Or I tell people I've just met about my crippling reality of energy limiting health conditions, feeling violated in the process.

I'm making 2/3rds of a cake next week because that's all I could afford in ingredients (since lactose free stuff costs more).

I'm sick of thinking every time we shop "maybe ill have the budget for ice cream next month"

I've had literal dreams about being able to afford things like proper fish fillets and low fat mince again.

And im so looking forward to being salaried in a few months. But I'll be starting on 70% of the full time salary - and doctors working full time are striking over pay. So I'm under no illusions ill be rolling in it.

It's just so tiring. I wish my health didn't limit how much I can work, so I could at least maximise my potential income and be more comfortable.

"I hope you get better too" I replied. But she shook her head.

"No I know but I mean you've worked so hard to get where you are. And we need more medical professionals like you. I'm just imagining how many more people you could help if you were healthy."

It's 7 years today since you died by suicide. I expected it to be less painful this year, since day to day it's a subject I can comfortably mention. It doesn't have the same sting that it used to.

And yet I felt so much apprehension for the anniversary this time ariund. And now it's here, as much as I will say I miss you, I'm scared to think too deeply about what happened that day. Like the veil is thinner somehow, so the raw pain is at risk of breaking through all over again like it was yesterday.

Grief is funny, I guess. The one thing that stays the same is that it's always changing.

We're so far beyond a world now than one I could ever have imagined you continuing in. I've lost so many friends since 2020, that I dread to think of how you might've abandoned me too. A guilty part of me is grateful that I never got to learn the answer, as much as I wish you'd never died.

Life really can be so painful and complicated.

Love always,

And yet at the same time, whenever I see people being Successful Adults, I'm always convinced they're older than me. When I learn people my age or even younger are navigating life without crashing and burning I'm like how?? We've had barely any time to learn any of this?! Which again, is totally ridiculous.