the version of you from five years ago would be genuinely amazed by what you’ve handled since then. sit with that for a second
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@blindedbythedarkness
the version of you from five years ago would be genuinely amazed by what you’ve handled since then. sit with that for a second

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you deserve a life you aren’t constantly recovering from
when its getting bad again but you can‘t talk to anybody about it so you lowkey just sit there and let your thoughts consume you
sitting here listening to live music drifting in on the wind thinking about how the chances of me leaving the house this weekend are slipping away more and more. im that freak that loves the sun and hot weather and yet im trapped inside by my body because i dared to push myself and go to work all week. fuck long covid.

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Starting my new job in August has me mentally preparing to be established as an outcast yet again.
The current trainees keep telling us about how there'll be socials every evening of our induction week so we can all get to know each other. Meanwhile I'm wondering how the hell I'm going to get through a 45 hour, 5 day induction week alone. Let alone with added social commitments on top. It's just not gonna happen and I feel like it makes me once again not only doomed to be the one who sticks out like a sore thumb in a wheelchair and mask, but also the antisocial one.
And the thing is - how do I even approach this when I inevitably get asked if I'm joining them for that evenings' activities? Either I evade the question and seem at best weird and at worst evasive and rude. Or I tell people I've just met about my crippling reality of energy limiting health conditions, feeling violated in the process.
I'm just so tired of being on the outside. When I started medical school I resigned myself to making no friends and joining no societies for the sake of avoiding covid. And now once again, the same events are inaccessible to me, even before I add covid risk into the equation. But I don't need friends and social support any less than anyone else starting this training. I want it. I crave it. The whole situation sucks.
I hope one day I'm well enough to enjoy my retirement as much as my parents are. To spend my time out walking and going to festivals and jetting off to Europe on a whim. Because I sure as shit am not well enough to do any of that right now, and it hurts like a bitch
I'm so tired of being poor.
I'm making 2/3rds of a cake next week because that's all I could afford in ingredients (since lactose free stuff costs more).
I'm sick of thinking every time we shop "maybe ill have the budget for ice cream next month"
I've had literal dreams about being able to afford things like proper fish fillets and low fat mince again.
And im so looking forward to being salaried in a few months. But I'll be starting on 70% of the full time salary - and doctors working full time are striking over pay. So I'm under no illusions ill be rolling in it.
It's just so tiring. I wish my health didn't limit how much I can work, so I could at least maximise my potential income and be more comfortable.
PIP is meant to make up some of the difference, given being disabled costs more. And it does help a bit, but it's not nearly equivalent to my healthy counterparts.
A very lovely lady said to me today about my long covid "I hope you get better"
"I hope you get better too" I replied. But she shook her head.
"No I know but I mean you've worked so hard to get where you are. And we need more medical professionals like you. I'm just imagining how many more people you could help if you were healthy."
It really touched me. This poor lady, she's had Long covid for 3 years longer than me. And unlike me, she hasn't been able to return to work in any capacity. And yet when she thinks of people getting better, she values my own recovery more than hers because she sees hope in that. It's a real privilege to be that for her.
Josh,
It's 7 years today since you died by suicide. I expected it to be less painful this year, since day to day it's a subject I can comfortably mention. It doesn't have the same sting that it used to.
And yet I felt so much apprehension for the anniversary this time ariund. And now it's here, as much as I will say I miss you, I'm scared to think too deeply about what happened that day. Like the veil is thinner somehow, so the raw pain is at risk of breaking through all over again like it was yesterday.
Grief is funny, I guess. The one thing that stays the same is that it's always changing.
We're so far beyond a world now than one I could ever have imagined you continuing in. I've lost so many friends since 2020, that I dread to think of how you might've abandoned me too. A guilty part of me is grateful that I never got to learn the answer, as much as I wish you'd never died.
Life really can be so painful and complicated.
Love always,
C

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I must not do Physical Tasks. Physical tasks are the energy killer. There will be no Go Outside if I do Physical Tasks. I must resist.
My brain has such a mental block on viewing my previous self as capable or knowledgeable. It's like with every year that goes by and as I learn more, I get more convinced my previous self was clueless. But logically that's so dumb, I mean previous me had plenty of life experience. I've got myself 2 degrees and I've been paying rent and navigating bills and insurance for years now. Not to mention making friends, having a job, navigating social interactions in general. I really don't know why I have this dumb idea that each year I somehow become enlightened.
And yet at the same time, whenever I see people being Successful Adults, I'm always convinced they're older than me. When I learn people my age or even younger are navigating life without crashing and burning I'm like how?? We've had barely any time to learn any of this?! Which again, is totally ridiculous.
Idk, my sense of self is just so warped.
am i even mentally ill or am i just living in some kind of infinite torture chamber that would make anyone like this
Life is so weird It's like One minute everything you've ever known is being a child The next, you're an adult but all The Before Times are childhood And then suddenly, you're talking about a decade ago and you were STILL an adult then. And it's all adulthood. Everything. You're just old now, and you're grieving childhood ever being so close.

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ive wished for ages to have another friend whos trans like me and now I have one and theyre starting T except thats not something i can do right now and they keep excitedly giving me updates about their transition and im just dying inside from jealousy but trying so hard to sound happy for them and its killing me