I've been doing a lot of healing this past year, but there are still moments where the trauma of everything breaks through, often triggered by something seemingly small.

And much as I hate it, I understand it's just a part of my life. It won't ever fully go away, but it will become more manageable.

Still, it's hard when it hits and the person you're with wants to "fix" you when you know in your heart there is no fix.

God, I love my Dad so much. But he doesn't understand.

He gets frustrated that he can't help me. And that makes me feel guilty, and it's this awful loop.

It only lasted a few moments. I was able to navigate my way out of it. But I could feel his frustration when tears started to slip down my cheeks.

But trauma is trauma and you can't just shake it loose. It's always there. It's just about managing it and finding a way through.

Less than a song length later—we were listening to the radio—I'd pulled myself back together and was singing along with the kids. But, it's been a bit since the trauma hit like that.

Why share? Because somebody else out there might be in a similar boat. Maybe it feels like a setback... like you messed up or like you were "weak" or something.

But, you're not. You're human.

You've been through more than most people know. And sometimes that trauma presents itself at the most inopportune time.

Don't beat yourself up. Breathe through it. Find your way. And give yourself grace as you remember how far you've come.

Constantly watching to see if people are upset in any way, avoiding people who seem like they might be, and getting REALLY anxious around people who make it hard to tell

Hating when people worry about us, because worry has the same results as anger, just in a different tone (i.e. no yelling but still getting the "serious conversation" alone in an authority figure's room with either implied or direct insults that aren't meant to be mean but hurt nonetheless, and privileges being taken away, and the knowledge that we will now be watched closer in case they decide even MORE needs to be taken away, oh and adding that weird pitying look) and now we hate it from everyone not just authority figures

Every text from a friend talking about how they're struggling when they don't often causing us to refresh ourselves on suicide prevention info and mentally prepare ourselves for a list of steps if we can't stop them from committing. This includes times when it's incredibly unlikely that that's actually a risk

sorry this got so long whoops lol