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The Value of Your Life
Pillion was pretty good. I got really annoyed when I noticed I had seen the censored version (the uncensored version is basically the same so I donât know why they bothered).
What I found interesting was that from the beginning through to almost the end, you are not really sure Colin is a sub at all. The whole issue of who he is when heâs not being told who he is, is kind of the whole point. We are seeing the pre-history of Colin.
There is the whole segment of Colinâs life where he is his motherâs sub, that I think a lot of people would take for granted as âthe real Colinâ, but really, thatâs just Colin the Child.
I think for someone so green, those scenes of lounging around the campfire looking at all the other subs getting cuddled by their masters and Colin realizing that he wants that, and that Ray is particularly cold even for a leather daddy, is an important revelation for him to feel. Because itâs like, Colin, what do you want? By the end of the story, he has a much better idea.
How his relationship with his mother concludes really hit hard. Sometimes you really only get one chance. I think about the last time I spoke to my aunt before she died, and I really let her have it about Trump and QAnon, and her delusions she clings to because she canât handle how humiliating America really is. She just said she canât wait to see me on the New Earth. And she died suddenly a few weeks later. Thatâs it.
Sometimes Iâm so happy she never has to think about me again.
Anyways. Youâve got to live forward. Iâm glad Colin picked up some shrapnel of a future self he didnât quite know was him yet. People change you. The ways they change you that are not suitable for polite company are still beautiful, important. Just picking up tools.
Ray is really all about one look that only a Skarsgard could pull off, that one climactic expression of raw grief. He really plays a great monster. I donât mean it in the dumb way that so many people will likely interpret this movie. I mean from the other side of it. I found it interesting that even though he is such an idealized fuck monster, there really isnât a very humanistically eroticized relationship there. Colin doesnât seem to really want to lick his boots. If I were licking boots, Iâm afraid Iâd ham it up a bit. I hate it when people ham it up. But I would be into it in a self- whatâs the word? In an already self-actualized way. I know how to lick boots. Iâm there.
I think itâs very novel to make a film about people who havenât figured themselves out yet. The Illiterati is not a fan of off-the-therapeutic-map character growth. Itâs not even like âsometimes you just have to go through some shit.â Sometimes you just do. And those things make you, a bit.
Aptitude for devotion.

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Pierre Bonnard (1867-1947) - Work Table, 1926-27
âBut the strange thing, the thing that you can never explain to anyone, except another nut, or, if youâre lucky, a doctor who has an unusual amount of sense â stranger than the hallucinations, or the voices, or the anxiety â is the way you begin to experience the edges of the mind itself⌠in a way other people just canât.â
â Samuel R. Delany, Dhalgren
âMigozarad (â[it] passes awayâ) Fresco, tea house in Tashqurghan, Afghanistan artist unknown Photo: Pierre Centlivres, 1966
Spalding Gray in And Everything Is Going Fine (dir. Steven Soderbergh, 2010)
I did not mention that I finally watched Nirvana the Band the Show the Movie, and there was a stunt in there that made me laugh so hard that I was afraid I was going to puke, just out of physical exhaustion. Maybe the hardest Iâve laughed in 20 years. I think only the Jackass movie has ever made me laugh that hard.

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Thatâs the dream right there, folks.
I picked up this habit where I snap my fingers, as a kind of imitation of the douchebag finger snap, and it became like this weird desperate trademark.
Iâm watching You Will Live Forever, which is a very cute movie, and I just spontaneously did it again and it occurred to me itâs been such a long time since I had?
Iâm not sure why. Toby was denied his weight loss shots by his insurance, because they said that they donât cover stage 4 liver fibrosis, and he was likeâŚ. What?
But even before that we really havenât been hanging out. It roughly coincided with the Kentucky Derby, and my boss being annoyed that his employees were friends outside work. I told him that Toby and Ricky were having homosexual sex together, and it was disgusting. His face was worth it.
I did mention that I was bisexual around that time as well. I donât think heâs really down with hanging out with bros that are down with other bros. Unfortunately. Maybe he was just mad I didnât go to the pottery class that one time. I donât know.
Finger snap guns sometimes make a comeback.
âDoes the world expect us to be well-behaved victims while we are getting killed? For us to be slaughtered without making a noise? We decided to defend our people with whatever weapons we had.â
â Yahya Sinwar

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There is a room in The Backrooms with this big ramp (the up ramp, not the scary down ramp), and there is literally a behavioral ward in Chicago with a ramp like that, total nightmare shit, except itâs puke green. Which is so much scarier. What the hell were they thinking?
fight, flight, fawn, fornicate, or fart
Fawn, obviously.
I was just in a parking lot where a little girl belly-bumped into the back of her familyâs sedan and said, âI got hit by a car, Daddy. You will remember me well. You will remember me all the time.â
Comrade, I am slightly drunk and listening to Lee âScratchâ Perry. I feel fucking good. I caved and installed my old AC unit and it feels like Iâm being fucking poisoned and was pushed down a flight of stairs.
Stay dread.