For a few days, I have basically managed to calm down. But my boss said a small joke at my expense this morning, basically because Harper is on vacation for a week, and it set me off immediately. Mostly just because I am always the only one working, all the time. Especially recently.
I kept it subdued but there were a couple things which got a rise out of me. The worst one was that we flagged out where this monument was supposed to go, and then when the guys were going to begin digging, they asked where exactly I wanted it, and I drove over there and they had pulled 3 of the flags out already. Haha. And I was like, well, there were flags here. And they were just like… oh…
What concerns me though, is that sometimes I’ll just be “on one”. Like I’ll just get riled up when it’s not really that serious and it’s like I’m just shadowboxing looking for a fight. So then someone will come to me about, say, this woman who has come to the cemetery to complain four different times that the paint is falling out of the lettering on her monument when it looks exactly like the day it was delivered. She insisted on small, thin lettering engraved directly into the polish and that’s exactly how it looks. It is literally perfect. The design is bad. And so I’m just ranting about this, and I sound aggressive. I’ve just spent the last year very concerned with how aggressive I appear.
I could be more concerned with how aggressive I am. But, honestly, I have had people walking all over me with totally impunity for years and they’re all still breathing and perpetrating, so, I’m fine. I just have to stand up for myself in a way that is confidently unmoved. See, no. That’s not the issue. Because reality is that pricks love when you are unemotional and unmoved. They don’t like it when you get up in their face and give them a hard time. Nobody wants static. And I’ve become a ballbuster of sorts. I am very talented at menacing people. Just channeling Malcolm Tucker. That’s the god.
But I’m trying to step away from that. I was okay before. I’ve avoided responsibility and authority for most of my life because I’ve understood that there’s just pure serial killer waiting to be unleashed on people. And not in some Robin Hood way. It comes out on weak people first. I will wield it at my boss and anyone else, it might be confused for “bravery”, but I really think it comes out most when someone who is even more of a bully is slightly incapacitated. For example, when Harper is on vacation. So I’m no longer on eggshells. Or when Julian is trying to not get new hires to immediately quit so he’s on a leash. It’s not that brave. It’s offgassing.
