⠀ K ⠀

I got a surprise bill today for $1,300. I don’t know if I’ll have enough money next month to pay the bills. As of right now I don’t see myself being able to afford Christmas gifts for my loved ones.

I cried a few tears in the Apple Store to an employee at the Genius Bar today. I’m not one to cry in public. In fact, I completely avoid it at all costs. I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve cried in public, or even around friends, in my 25 years on one hand. I quickly wiped away my tears and shoved them back inside as far down as they could go.

I went home, finally alone, and was fully prepared to have a breakdown. But it never came. I’d tear up a little, but nothing would happen.

Tonight, I saw some things that made me emotional again. Just some sad things on YouTube and in movies, tv shows, etc. Again, I teared up. Still nothing came of it.

I know I need to cry. I have a lot going on right now and I haven’t cried in a few weeks. I know it needs to happen. I think subconsciously I’m avoiding it because if I start sobbing it will feel as though I’m losing control of my body. I can’t have that, now can I?

Crying makes a person vulnerable. It’s deep rooted inside our dna to believe that. But even in my own home I can’t allow myself to be vulnerable. What does that say about me? Am I so judgmental of myself that I can’t let down my own walls for my own healing? Am I really that insecure? Probably.

I can’t stand it. I’m not even able to direct my body and emotions anymore. I guess I’m already out of control in a way.

Flash forward to now and I’m lost in so many ways. I don’t feel deserving of said nickname now. I’m living on my own for the first time, and while that is a huuuuge feat for me, it’s also so frustrating. I’m feeling very vulnerable.

My neighbor, who became one of my best friends, is very nice to me and has an attitude. She’s one of those no-nonsense types, and she deals with a hell of a lot daily, so she also has a temper and not a lot of patience.

Since I moved in, and especially as of late, I find myself sacrificing my own preferences and wants to make her happy. She helped me rearrange my apartment and even then I was like “Yup do whatever you want”. Even if I didn’t like what she did, when she asked if I liked it I always said yes. When she asks me to grab something for her while we’re in her apartment I get panicky, as if not finding it would ruin any kind of friendship I’ve built with her.

I’m just so scared all the time. I’m scared of people leaving me and being alone. I’m just miserable and I can’t do anything about it.

Been suffering from benzo withdrawal for almost 2 months now. I think. I stopped counting.

Starting tapering by 1/8 of a mg on March 1st. I decrease the amount every 2 weeks. I'm not at the point where I'm almost completely off of it. Only a few days left.

So far, I've experienced:

agitation

irritability

increased anxiety

flu-like symptoms for a few days after about 3 weeks of tapering

muscle tension

mild nausea

muscle jerking

restless leg syndrome

probably other things that I'm forgetting

those last 2 symptoms (#9 not included) are the most prevalent right now. The only real reason I'm writing this is because my phone is updating and I don't have anyone to talk to about this. But I NEED to talk about this, even if it's just to myself in journal form. and I'm currently being driven up the wall by the nerves in my right leg. It feels like electricity is shooting around my kneecap and down to my ankle. This is the most uncomfortable I've been since the early withdrawal symptoms.

Early on I found someone via Twitter who has gone through the same thing as me, and I've since adopted her as my "sponsor", for lack of a better term. She's been very helpful. I feel very lucky to have her help me along this journey.

This is the second time I've attempted to taper off klonopin. The first time I failed after 2 weeks. About a year and a half before that, I had experienced pretty bad withdrawal symptoms after running out of meds for 36 or so hours.

I'm tired of these symptoms. They're not nearly as bad as I was expecting, probably due to tapering so slowly. But it's still hell.

As I sit here, super uncomfortable, moving my leg every 30 seconds to feel the least bit more comfortable, I remind myself how easy it would be to just take my previous full dose and have all of this over with. Just go back to normal. Sure, I'd become a slave to this drug again, but I'd have my sanity and my comfort back.

I've been on klonopin for 7-8 years. I didn't want to get off of it. My psychiatrist insisted. I thought about getting a new one. The long-term effects scared me, but so did the withdrawals. Now I'm in limbo. I have been since March 1, 2023. I'm frustrated.

Birthday down south was good.

Almost met up with a guy I found out just wanted me for sex. Dodged a bullet there. Of what size we'll never know, thank God.

Wendy's didn't have potatoes again.

My cowboy boots gave me blisters on my feet from the long day of traveling with no socks. Needed as much weight off the baggage as possible though. It had to be done.

Came home with COVID.

Urgent Care doctor was a bitch.

Still dealing with side effects. Cough and ear congestion.

Started a new side hustle. Frustrated with said hustle.

I'm also frustrated by the lack of summer activities I've done this year. It's not like the warm weather stays around for more than 3 months of the year.

I finally did it. I traveled to my dream city by myself. The journey was incredibly stressful but the views were breathtaking. Flew over parts of the ocean for the first time and it left me speechless. New England coastlines are something else.

Started the day by going to bed after 4 am and subsequently waking up every 30 minutes - an hour with anxiety and nervous anticipation. Security was rough. Left the house at 9 am and was at the airport at 10. Found the terminal easily enough. Sat at the gate regretting everything and considering going home right from there. And here I am now, halfway across the country by myself.

Lady spilled some of her water on me during the first flight, waking me up from a (very much needed) 15-minute nap, and didn't bother apologizing.

The second destination was easy. The next gate was only a few gates over. The culture shock was real. I've been so sheltered growing up where I did. I'm not used to being around so many different people. I held no judgment against anybody, but someone couldn't help but glance at them more than I usually would.

Found my baggage without much trouble. Proceeded to exit the airport into the 94-degree heat, meanwhile, I was wearing sweatpants and a sweater. Seeing as I was leaving a destination in which the temperature was in the 70s and expecting the airplane and airports to be relatively cold due to AC, I had hoped to be comfortable. And I was. Until I got outside. I proceeded to struggle for much longer than I had thought I would. Lowered my confidence quite a bit. The more anxiety I felt the more I would sweat, which only added to my stress. Finally found my very overpriced Lyft and made my way to my new home for the next 5 or so days. Felt gross from all the sweat and almost immediately took a shower. Much needed and much appreciated. Proud of myself for that.

Relaxed a bit before my friend came over. It was a long visit in some aspects, but I realize that it was something I needed; a friend. My best friend. I need to socialize. Had a minor cosmetic change that really made me feel special in a way. No one has gone out of their way to make me look a way that was sure to put a smile on my face. Probably not ever. I felt seen. We had a good time, though as the night went on we both got tired and I felt myself draining fast. I think she'd originally planned on staying the night with me, but I was so emotionally drained from the trip and needed alone time. I didn't tell her this, but I think she knows me well enough to know I would be overwhelmed and need time to adjust to my new surroundings, which are both pleasing and disappointing. Can't have everything. One thing at a time.

The place is very cold. I understand wanting to escape the heat with air conditioning, but people in this region seem to take it to a whole other level. My toes were cold. Not exactly my idea of relaxing. So here I am finding myself using a space heater to keep me warm. In the south. In the middle of June.

Still stressed about taking Lyfts everywhere, but it's a necessity.

This experience is so new to me. I miss the comfort of my family surrounding me in (relatively) new areas. I miss my fur babies. All 5 of them. I have so much I need to do to welcome in my (rescued) old boy back into our environment. So many ways I want to spoil him.

I miss my baby girl. I miss her cuddling in my arms and looking up for a forehead kiss. I miss her flopping down in my arms. I miss the physical affection only animals can give you. I miss home.

I'm glad I'm here. I haven't wrapped my head around the fact that I'm HERE. Probably because I haven't actually seen the city just yet. Today was about surviving and getting through all of it emotionally, which I did. It was very, very hard but I'm proud of myself for accomplishing something I never thought id be capable of doing.

Adjustments are difficult. This isn't going to be easy. I knew that going into it. Part of me regrets traveling this far by myself. Another part of me knows I need to push myself like this to be able to grow and heal.

I want to get a good cry out. After the day I had, I just want to let out all the stress and tension I've been feeling today. Unfortunately, I don't have the urge to cry and any stimulus to make that happen has been futile.

Only a couple days until my birthday.

I've felt this steady flow of anxiety for the last few hours. My area is still just as cluttered, I'm still just as overwhelmed by all that needs to be accomplished before I leave for my trip. And one of my plans just got derailed. My favorite one - the one I was looking forward to doing the most. One of my main reasons for going down there. I'd now have to spend upwards of $150 just to do it. It would break my budget for my entire trip, but I want it so badly. It's a 2 hour therapeutic retreat sort of thing. The perfect thing I need while I'm on my own, far away from anyone I know.

I cried myself to sleep last night for the first time since high school. Cried a few more times throughout the day. Mom downplayed my current depressive state and invalidated my feelings. Unexpected therapy appointment and felt unheard and was talked over. Overwhelmed by my personal space at home. All my fault. No one else caused this cluttered mess. Need to work on myself in that aspect. Stressed over next week's events and text messages from family I cut off. I just want to skip to late next week. So close to my birthday. I should be happy. I deserve happiness.

I'm tired of looking in the mirror and finding insecurities.

I have shopping impulses.

I'm tired and could easily lay down to sleep but I'm wound up. I've been still all day, doing nothing but playing Sims and getting attention on the internet. That's something I've craved for such a long time. I haven't had that sort of engagement on twitter in a long time. I don't want it to end.

But I'm tired.

Talking to this guy I had a thing for in high school. We've talked (flirted) for a few years on and off now. I haven't told him I'm asexual. Sexuality (or anything of that nature) hasn't been brought up. Until tonight. Kind of. Innuendos and insinuations have been made. I've just revealed that I am "out." Here comes the waiting and, most likely, rejection. Part of me wants him to reject me. The thought of dating scares me, but it's something I want.

I'm afraid of wanting it. I'm afraid of not having it. I'm afraid to have it.

I'm not a people person, I don't love myself. Hell 90% of the time I don't even LIKE myself.

Listening to my favorite artist's radio show and considered calling in.

Heard one person call in and she was so intelligent and put together. What she said was more profound than what I could come up with. Why bother now? I'd look like an idiot.

She has a linktree. I checked it out. She's very career oriented. She has her resume linked there and a letter of recommendation. I don't have either of those things available like that. I don't even have a letter of recommendation. My resume looks ridiculous to me, with all my fanbase job opportunities. I feel like no one takes me seriously.

My legs are achy from all the standing. My shoulders ache from holding my phone during the show, trying to capture all the unbelievable moments. I miss the giddy feeling I had last night. Now I'm back to my usual melancholy self, only there's a little anxiety on the top. I think that's due to wanting that feeling back so much. I'm just as lonely as I was before yesterday.

Haven't smiled this much in a long, long time.

Started the day anxious and disappointed in myself. I'd waited 18 years to see this man live, and I was finally doing it. Only thing that kept me from enjoying the process was me. The makeup wasn't good enough. The outfit I had planned was too revealing. I only gave myself an hour to get ready. I left the house feeling defeated. The few things I could control about this day were out the window.

Get to the venue. I'm in line 2.5 hours before doors open. The opening act walks out the front of the building to grab boba from down the street and I ask for a photo.

I befriend a couple, a girl a few years younger than me and her boyfriend. They have 4 cats like I do. We immediately hit it off. (N&D)

Opening act comes out again and crosses the street to get starbucks. As he walks back into the building, he passes me and smiles, his eyebrows raising. Once he's in the building (D) looks over at me and says "I saw that eyebrow raise! He's hitting on you!" It meant more coming from a guy. He'd understand more than I would I suppose.

20 or so minutes later, opener comes outside a g a i n . This time he starts walking in the opposite direction of me but soon turns and says to me "are you the person who got a picture earlier?" I reply yes. He hands me a merchandise t-shirt of his. It's in the perfect size, no tags, and smells strongly of cologne. Good cologne. I thank him and he walks off. I look over at my new friends and we all feel a little giddy about the whole thing.

It could've been something he did to be nice. I wasn't the only one who asked for photos, but the other's who HAD had been let into the venue early for VIP ventures. It could've been for a different girl. But now that I think about it, when he came out for starbucks I believe the VIP line had already been outside.

Regardless, I'm aware that it could've been something he did to be kind. But something about it felt cute. He just brought me a free t-shirt smelling like him. It's a strong scent, something I didn't notice on him when I took the photo with him. Someone definitely sprayed it.

I don't know. I felt special.

I was told to try to get his attention again, ask for his number, and other things of the sort. I didn't want to be a bother. Or just come off as plain weird.

Went inside finally and found out I was able to participate in "standing room" areas. Up until this point I had been under the assumption that my ticket secured me a seat in the back of the theater. The VIPs and those who purchased meet and greet tickets were supposed to be the only ones with access to the "pit" area. Turns out it just meant they'd be first to get to the barricade. However I, and my new friends, managed to get front row/second row spots, depending on the movement of the crowd.

Because of my new friends, I was able to use the bathroom with (N), something I'd been very nervous about having the opportunity to do seeing as I'd be attending the concert alone. He held my things for me. That was very nice. I had people I could trust which was rare enough. And for it to be people I'd just met...

I asked (N) to go get the shirt Opener had given me from (D) so I could put it on before he went on stage.

(N) and I got back to the standing area and quickly met another girl, (A). She was a year or so older than me. She's from out of state. We both graduated with the same degree and have very similar career goals. Incredible.

The 4 of us stick together. I spilled some celebrity drama I probably shouldn't have.

(A) and I practically shared the front row spot. We both left enough room between us and the barricade so that we had a window we could share a front row view from. (N) was also next to me, sharing this spot as well, (D) right next to her.

The show was great. Opener blew me away with his vocals, JM was an awesome performer. I didn't have any expectations of him going into it. I'd just wanted to see him for so long, I'd been a fan since I was 6. He could've sat on the stage in silence and I still would've been happy to see him.

Concerts are so much more fun when you have friends to share it with.

And then he mentioned my man. My favorite artist in the world. One of the most talented man I've ever heard of. MY musician of choice. All my friends looked over at me and I just about melted. I think I swooned. I don't know if he meant to do an impersonation of this artists, but he sounded just like him for a moment and all I could do was smile. I've been trying to find a clip of him talking about this other artist on youtube but it seems like my concert was the only one he told this little story of the two of them to. A sign? Another relief. More euphoria.

I left the venue after saying goodbye to (N&D) and having a decent conversation with (A) about life, my legs feeling like jelly from standing for 7 hours and my feet aching like hell from my poor choice of footwear.

All the pain I felt tonight, all the anxiety leading up to it, the stresses of getting ready physically and emotionally, all of it was worth it for what I experienced tonight. Friendship. Acceptance. Relief. Live music. Fulfillment of a life-long dream. Acknowledgement. It was all so, so worth it.

Got home feeling giddy and high. Removed the shirt from Opener and hung it up in my closet. It's been 2 hours and I still haven't removed my makeup or changed out of my jeans. I'm afraid that when I do this will all be over.