Sir PoshWocket The Nib

raccoons have people hands

or do we have raccoon hands

My boss, who is a grown woman with children my age, just whispered, “Oh, this is going to be so fucking efficient,” before spraying Febreze directly into the ceiling fan and proceeding to cough her guts out when it blew back in her face.

I had a dream about bakeoff except they were all cooking increasingly weird stuff until they got to the last guy and Paul asked ‘what are you serving’ and his response was just ‘these hands’ and then he knocked Paul Hollywood out on national television

robber: *breaks into my house* me: can I help you find anyth- robber: just looking

Didn’t she die

“didn’t she die” breaking news. perfect relationships now grant you immortality