prepare for puns

Getting down on my knees and thanking the humans who invented dishwashers and washing machines.

InsNe that dishwashers are more efficient and easier than just washing them manually but they also use less water. It’s a win win situation

They ALSO sterilize dishes, due to operating at a far higher temperature than human hands could ever tolerate. It's a win every way.

at the club straight up tarnishing my master's legacy

Kids today don't like spider-man because he's funny or heroic it's because he's the only relatable super hero because his life fucking sucks. He gets his ass beaten and goes home to an eviction notice and a daily bugle headline that says "spider-man cringe compilation"

i was at an event last night in california and i went to the bar to order wine bc wine was like, a thing, and i looked at the menu and saw i was completely out of my depth bc idk any wine names, so i turned to my right and there was a man in a gorgeous suit standing at the bar beside me and i said “do you know anything about wine?” and he said “a little, yes!” i told him i liked white and dry wines and asked if he’d order for me. he asked the server for two glasses and had one poured for each of us and then he clinked his glass on mine but he didn’t take a sip, he just watched me taste mine and then he asked what i thought and i said “it’s pretty good, but like i said, i wouldn’t know.” he laughed and told me to have a good time & i walked away. fifteen minutes later i found out he’s the winemaker.

"it's inscrutable" maybe to you it is. I scrute it all the time

i scrute the milkfish

youve been a bad gamer. mommy is going to pwn you now

Settlers of catan

Was not expecting this many of you to resonate with Millennium Death Plinko

One of these days the horse is gonna come out of pinko with opposable thumbs, and then we're all in trouble.

I'm still thinking about the guy who saw me realize my wheelchair wouldn't fit in the elevator because he (also a wheelchair user) was already inside it and immediately quipped, "This elevator ain't accessible enough for the both of us."