been thinking a lot lately about how I developed a bad, bad case of know-it-all-ism as a child
I was seeking connection most of all.
I was a sensitive kid. An early reader, a rule-follower, a frequent crierβ¦and undiagnosed neurodivergent. I tried to hide behind competenceβthat was my mask. Surely, if I could help other kids, theyβd want to talk to me? Surely if I impressed a teacher, theyβd like me?
You can probably imagine how all that went.
I was well-meaning, but not very understanding. I was inclusive, but probably condescending. I was smart, but self-centered.
It took me til high school to realize that it was alienating to my peers. That people didnβt want to know me as a person because of how I acted as a classmate.
I withdrew. I stopped texting first. I stopped asking my friends to do things with me. I started waiting for people to come to me, looking for evidence that any of my friends actually missed me or wanted me around.
Thatβ¦didnβt go well either.
It came to a head when I stood up for something I believed in just before graduationβ¦and found no one there to support me.
I am a lonely adult now.
I tried starting fresh in college, deliberate in not repeating the errors of my childhood. I took in the stories of people around me, and listened and changed and understood: no, Iβm not the smartest or the most competent and I donβt need to be to have value. Instead, I could be a connector! A peer mentor, a club leader, a writing tutorβand I was!
You can probably guess where this is going.
It was the same thing all over againβcompetency (in the form of experience, rather than knowledge) as a substitute for authenticity. I was better liked. I had people who couldβve probably been lifelong friends. They were kind and understanding and wanted to be there for meβ¦but I didnβt trust any of it. I didnβt let them in because I didnβt trust that anyone would see who I actually am and want to know me.
Honestly, I donβt know if I even know me sometimes.
I still havenβt solved it. I donβt trust people at workβnot at my first full-time job (where I probably shouldβve been more open) and not now (where I truly canβt trust my coworkers to have my back). I find myself embarrassed by authenticity, without socially acceptable things to say, so worried about offending people that I wonβt say anything at all. My friends are here, online, where I can think through the things I say and try to be the person I want to be, and (aside from my partner who gets his own special basket)β¦thatβs it.
Thatβs all, for now.
All of this is to say: good intentions are not even half of the battle. Growth is the rest of it, and itβs hard won (and youβll probably lose more than youβll win), butβ¦you have to be willing to fight.
