Spy x Family Chapter 136: The Core Fear
Let me talk to you about something I learned recently. People with a mental health condition like anxiety disorder or OCD are not truly afraid of what they think. For example, a person afraid of heights or the dark or germs is not truly afraid of those things. On the outside, fear manifests every time they are exposed to that trigger but in reality, they are afraid of something else, a core fear, buried deep inside.
That's exactly what's going on with Twilight. Let's dig deeper and find out his core fear.
These last chapters, Twilight has been completely out of control. Obviously, being surrounded by SSS agents was a huge trigger for him, BUT I think the possibility of Yor telling Captain Curtis about their previous interrogation was even a bigger trigger. Why? Because that would make a member of the SSS suspicious of everyone close to Yor, which in turn opens the possibility of losing his family. That was the real trigger.
If you read chapter 134, Twilight was actually holding up well under the circumstances. Although the SSS was interrogating him, he remained composed. However, the moment he remembered he had disguised himself as Yuri’s captain to interrogate Yor, he completely lost his nerve. Just look at his face—the man was utterly terrified.
After that, he totally lost it and began to act recklessly. We see Twilight ruminate in a constant state of panic and come up with countless scenarios as well as crazy ideas that would put him at risk such as:
Using force to keep Yor away from Captain Curtis. In Twilight's mind, that Captain is more dangerous than the Director of the SSS.
2. Drugging his wife with a tranquilizer gun IN FRONT OF COUNTLESS SSS AGENTS! Seriously? What was he thinking? If it was any other person and under any other circumstances he would know that was too risky.
3. Starting a fire. No comment on that.
Do you see what I mean? He was not only risking the mission, he was risking his life. That's exactly what triggers do; they make people act recklessly; all to avoid getting into the situation that they fear the most, which brings us back to...
Do you want to guess? Let's analyze some of Twilight's fears:
Being caught by the SSS. Nope, it's not being caught by the SSS, nor being killed in action. He had risked his life plenty of times and he knows that could happen to him. It's part of his job.
People discovering his identity. That's not it either. If he gets discovered, he knows he can run away.
War between East and West. Warmer, but that's not it. This, however, is what Twilight tells himself. He thinks this is his biggest fear, but it's deeper than that. We're getting close.
This was the worst moment of his life. A traumatic event so big he can't even remember it. It was a moment of total despair, vulnerability, and most of all, fear.
When Twilight says he became a spy so no child has to cry, he is sincere about that. However, what he really means is tied up to his core fear: Twilight is afraid of losing everything and finding himself in a situation of total despair, vulnerability, and fear again.
So yes, he'll do everything and risk anything to avoid going back to that. He thinks that if he prevents a conflict between Westalis and Ostania, this will never happen to him again.
And, if we add something to the mix, we can get something even more specific:
If we combine that deep fear with his upbringing, it's easier to see why he has that need for control.
What does his core fear has to do with Yor?
She's the antidote. Their relationship is part of his healing. Yor represents safety and that's exactly what a person like Twilight needs. When you see it like that, it makes total sense that he would risk everything to keep his only safety.
Look at him being vulnerable. He can only do this with Yor:
Do you see it? Yor is the only person he trusts 🥹
And I think he's starting to realize that too:
This small panel is very telling! He KNOWS he's relying on her. And he WANTS to rely on her. And probably he feels ashamed of that need because for many years he has relied on no one but himself.
His struggle with vulnerability is what drives the story forward. I've written about this before here. Slowly but surely, Agent Twilight is starting to crumble but also he's begining to heal.
