boop!

Yesterday at FYE i bought a plushie and dude didnt give me a bag just the boy and a receipt and i was like "hey bro can you give me a bag i really dont wanna be carrying this around the mall" and he was like "why are you ashamed to carry him"

"WHY are you ashamed of your SON? "

@seananmcguire

I feel like witches are sedentary and wizards are migratory. A witch has a home, a cauldron, herbs, you go to them with your problem. A wizard wanders, disappears, shows up at inconvenient times to fix nothing. am i making sense

tired of children's media propaganda broccoli is actually the best vegetable in the whole wide world she is my girlfriend and my wife and we should make broccoli the international vegetable of all time

I thought this was one of Tumblr’s weird ads for skin care

Dermatologists HATE him

these could be your balls with manscaped

my mom makes background stories for all of her animal crossing villagers and she has, inexplicably, determined that pietro had a wife who died mysteriously. so she put a tombstone outside his house because he “moves her body with him from island to island”. i asked her to elaborate. she will not.

i just asked if she thinks he killed his wife. the answer: “I don’t know. I just know he loved her very much. He loved her very much. Maybe a little too much. I don’t know.”

music make me gain control *overpowers your mind*

Mowing through an entire box of pocky feeling like a pencil sharpener being fed whole pencils by a 3rd grader

That horse is tired as hell I bet