An asshole

Ok, but what if Captain Kirk did a “morning announcements” thing every day? XD

“Good mooooooorning, Enterprise! This is your dashing young Captain speaking and we’ve got a lot of announcements to get through, so sit back and listen to the melodious sound of my voice.”

(*Crew stops whatever they’re doing throughout ship to groan and roll eyes collectively*)

“First up, happy birthday to Lieutenant Ross, Ensign Jones, and science officers Chotikua, Benson, and finally, Itaaeaguchi-sloohito’niknik’ra of security, who has reached the ripe old age of one-hundred-and-thirty-seven living cycles. He should be through the worst of the violently aggressive pubescent stage by now and emerging from his cocoon any time, but if you happen to cross paths with any of the other afore mentioned individuals today, make sure to give them a big hug. Oh, and just a heads-up, if anyone has plans for birthday cake later, due to a programming malfunction, the replicators are currently unable to produce vanilla or golden fronzelberry frosting.”

(Ensign Jones: “Aw, mannn!”)

“But don’t worry, we’ve got our very own Mister Scott and his faithful sidekick Mister Chekov working on it right now.” *Muffled Scottish cursing in the background* “Apologies for any inconvenience. Next, Mister Hendorff has requested that I remind everyone of the upcoming hostile takeover drill and to please put the phaser rifles back in order on the rack when we’re done. It’s not that hard, just go by the matching color-coded stickers. His words, not mine.”

(Random crew member: “Pfft, ok, whatever.”)

“And now, in recreational news, the ship’s book group will be meeting next Thursday for their monthly discussion. This month’s novel is the thrilling mystery ‘Who Moved My Tribble”, by the best-selling author Otis Skyflip. There’s still time to read it if you haven’t already, and you really should. Really. I did and it changed my life.”

(Random fangirl crew member: “I love you Otis! I love you! Save the tribbles!”)

“Also, the championship tournament of the interdepartmental volleyball league will be happening Friday night between engineering and medical. It’s sure to be a nail-biter and keep you on your toes, so don’t miss out! Speaking of toes, the Dinerian swing-dancing/karaoke/vegetarian potluck is the night after. The last one was a huge success, although, may I remind everyone that the carbonated froos-fassang flavored frappe–you know, the one with the rainbow sprinkles and whipped cream and stuff–is no longer allowed in the rec hall due to last week’s little ‘incident’. It took three days to get that stuff out of the carpet. I’m looking at you, Lieutenant Lester.”

(Lieutenant Lester: “Hey, I didn’t do that! I was framed!”)

“And…” *Someone else whispering in background* “Oh, right, thank you for bringing that up, Uhura. Ok, would whoever keeps writing ‘command rules and operations drools’ on the walls of the deck three bathrooms please stop? It was funny the first time, but now it’s just stupid. Also, it’s vandalism. Again, I’m looking at you, Lieutenant Lester.”

(Lieutenant Lester: “Wha–why do I get blamed for everything?!”)

“Anyway, before I get to the menu, a few housekeeping issues. It has come to my attention that the ship’s lost-and-found is starting to get a little out of hand. If you don’t claim your missing items by the end of this week–especially whoever misplaced the tank of flesh-eating cacti–everything will be donated to the Rigel colony. Well…except for the tank of flesh-eating cacti, I mean. And lastly, people are forgetting to turn the headlights off after using the shuttles. Turn the lights off, guys. We can’t have low batteries when the Klingons decide to attack again. Bad. Very, very bad.”

(Lieutenant Lester: “…..Ok, I may have actually done that.”) 

“Alright, now the moment you’ve all been waiting for…”

(Random crew member: “Just say it already, geez!”)

“…the menu! Today we will be having Andorian-style enchiladas with the options of mild, medium or volcanic hot-sauce–there will be medics on standby, of course–purple guacamole, mixed galactic fruit salad, chocolate chunk cookies, and, by popular demand, Kaferian apple  juice.”

(Entire crew: “YESSS!”) 

“That’s all I’ve got for now, folks. Thanks for listening, I’ll be here all–”

(*Mic crackles*)

“Vaccines for Regulan blood worm-transmitted flu have arrived and are mandatory for all crew members, so get down here to medbay and–”

(*Mic screeches, everybody covers their ears*)

Took a bunch of candles from my church’s Christmas service because I am CRIMINAL

Bonus:

Without water, a human can only survive for about 100 hours. But there’s a creature so resilient that it can go without it for decades. This one millimeter animal can survive both the hottest and coldest environments on Earth, and can even withstand high levels of radiation. This is the tardigrade, and it’s one of the toughest creatures on Earth, even if it does look more like a chubby, eight-legged gummy bear. 

Most organisms need water to survive. Water allows metabolism to occur, which is the process that drives all the biochemical reactions that take place in cells. But creatures like the tardigrade, also known as the water bear, get around this restriction with a process called anhydrobiosis, from the Greek meaning life without water. And however extraordinary, tardigrades aren’t alone. Bacteria, single-celled organisms called archaea, plants, and even other animals can all survive drying up.

For many tardigrades, this requires that they go through something called a tun state. They curl up into a ball, pulling their head and eight legs inside their body and wait until water returns. It’s thought that as water becomes scarce and tardigrades enter their tun state, they start synthesize special molecules, which fill the tardigrade’s cells to replace lost water by forming a matrix. 

Components of the cells that are sensitive to dryness, like DNA, proteins, and membranes, get trapped in this matrix. It’s thought that this keeps these molecules locked in position to stop them from unfolding, breaking apart, or fusing together. Once the organism is rehydrated, the matrix dissolves, leaving behind undamaged, functional cells.

Beyond dryness, tardigrades can also tolerate other extreme stresses: being frozen, heated up past the boiling point of water, high levels of radiation, and even the vacuum of outer space. This has led to some erroneous speculation that tardigrades are extraterrestrial beings.

While that’s fun to think about, scientific evidence places their origin firmly on Earth where they’ve evolved over time. In fact, this earthly evolution has given rise to over 1100 known species of tardigrades and there are probably many others yet to be discovered. And because tardigrades are so hardy, they exist just about everywhere. They live on every continent, including Antarctica. And they’re in diverse biomes including deserts, ice sheets, the sea fresh water, rainforests, and the highest mountain peaks. But you can find tardigrades in the most ordinary places, too, like moss or lichen found in yards, parks, and forests. All you need to find them is a little patience and a microscope.

Scientists are now to trying to find out whether tardigrades use the tun state, their anti-drying technique, to survive other stresses. If we can understand how they, and other creatures, stabilize their sensitive biological molecules, perhaps we could apply this knowledge to help us stabilize vaccines, or to develop stress-tolerant crops that can cope with Earth’s changing climate. 

And by studying how tardigrades survive prolonged exposure to the vacuum of outer space, scientists can generate clues about the environmental limits of life and how to safeguard astronauts. In the process, tardigrades could even help us answer a critical question: could life survive on planets much less hospitable than our own?

From the TED-Ed Lesson Meet the tardigrade, the toughest animal on Earth - Thomas Boothby

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