awoooooogal

i must not spiral. spiraling is the hope killer. spiraling is the little death that brings total obliteration. i will allow the anxiety to pass over me and through me.

goddddd and i just UGH but also UGHHHHH and aughhhh.... oughhhhhhhhh...... ACK !!! and.... aghhhhhhhh. ughhhhh ! UGH !!!!! and i can't even because AGHHHHHHH. UGHHH

speaking as someone who found voice training to be a fulfilling and sometimes even enjoyable experience: everyone needs to shut the fuck up and leave trans women alone about our voices forever. treating a woman more poorly than you would otherwise just because you feel some way about the sound of her voice is a fucked up way to treat someone and if you do, you should feel ashamed. i wish i had been allowed to be motivated exclusively by the intrinsic fulfillment of taking hold of my femininity on my own terms. but regardless of whether i liked that process, i mostly did it because I wanted to make it less likely that I'd be discriminated against. and guess what? it worked. i remember the first day my voice passed on the phone. the joy of it was somewhat qualified by the growing and uncomfortable awareness of how much better i had just been treated, confirmation that the friction I'd been feeling was real by way of its sudden disappearance. i *like* the sound of my voice and it upsets me that my favorite thing about it is how well it prevents me from being abused.

it has always been a dream of mine to relax