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Pride month with anime and manga, I recommend especially the last one

The mangas contain gay, lesbians, nonbinary and trans (and gender in general) representations. But since not everything have to be about our suffering there's chill manga that still include LGBT subject.

Still, check the "dothedogdie" website in case of trigger.

I can't get a full-time job in most entry level positions because of my disability, I had to accept I couldn't have the life I wanted, had to rework my personal hobbies to accommodate myself, and deal with the numbing splitting episodes from BPD and it's triggers. All without having access to healthcare either.

Most days is a battle between fighting the mood swings, suicide ideation from the loneliness, and the boom and bust cycle with chronic pain. It's very hard to live life with a disorder that reminds you of the growing emptiness from every trauma you faced from dealing with every single form of abandonment and rejection from life and can't escape by using your body constantly anymore from the aforementioned chronic pain.

I used to use the internet to make friends but in recent years, I have lost them either because of time or due to my disorder. I find it increasingly harder to make friends both off and online now than ever before. No one has ever really stuck around besides a selected few of my family member (the rest can burn in hell) and close friends.

I also had to take a step back from the internet and my creative hobbies because I suffer from terrible jealousy and feelings of isolation. Sometimes I'm scared if I'm going to make it through life completely.

I saw some of your vent posts and they reminded me of my similar struggles. What made it easier was accepting my life and achieving some form of regulation after multiple different types of episodes breakdowns of confronting my worst fears.

I don't know what you can do exactly to help alleviate your life circumstances. If you can, I suggest going to social clubs and events (especially if they're creative based), expand your interests and hobbies, explore different pieces of media, and join certain online communities of shared interest. I've recently joined one for Cluster Bs individuals and was lucky to make an acquaintance. Or just talk to people, the smallest bits of an interaction can go a long way.

As much as I dream for connection and independence, I know that there's only a certain amount of both I can achieve from what I initially wanted. And that's okay, I'll probably will still be dealing with the same issues when I grow older and will only have me as company, but I can use the little power I have to make it manageable to live with myself.

When I was little and only the chronic illness was ruining my life, I really thought that in the future I'll be happy.

I can't imagine a happy future anymore. To be honest, I wonder what will ruin my next years now that I start to feel better mentally.

I think it will be anorexia with how obsessed by my weight I became and how I barely eat anymore. But hey at least my family will stop to talk about it!

I thought about doing all of that but at some point, is it worth to have hope just for being scammed again?

I think life is just a scam and I'm too much of a coward to not end it. Even if, the truth being, I don't want to die but I want to be happy.

But I won't be happy. I have no rights to be. I'm a crash test doll, nothing more.

You don't befriend stuff like this don't you?

Even if there is people caring about me and good moment, I've lost everything that made me believe that I'd be free.

Is life worth living if your body is nothing but a cage?

I don't know anymore. Sometime I even pray, like there's a god out there who care about me. The same god who let me suffer and let the other kids at the hospital suffer and die.

I'm sorry I'm all over the place.

I just cling to quotes by that point because the truth is, in life, you're alone. In your grave there will only be one person.

I think every POC has internalized racism to survive in the world we live in. So I don't really blame you for not catching on sooner. It is good though you noticed and acknowledged because unnoticed it can make life harder for us as and cause us to accidentally reinforce the system we're oppressed in.

I was and still am in a similar boat to you in terms of finding a space for myself here.

Some Black centered media recommendations I have is:

Animated TV shows: Marvel's Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur, The Boondocks, Black Dynamite (2014), Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Coded Black rep), Creek of the Creek, Iyanu (An African inspired fantasy), Iwájú (An sci-fi futuristic mini-series set in Nigeria), Kizazi Moto: Generation Fire (A futuristic South African sci-fi anthology)

Animes: Afro Samurai, Cannon Busters, and Michiko & Hatchin.

Mangas: Clock Striker and Monsters We Make (By CoryxKenshin).

There is Cowboy Bepop, Hunter x Hunter, and Castlevania. Not Black centered, but they do have good depictions of Black characters from what I hear.

Unfortunately, I'm not well verse with live action media and games, so my recommendations here are just one from each category.

Live Action: Abbott Elementary. A sitcom set in a Philadelphia public school named Abbott Elementary following the lives of its employees filmed mockumentary style.

Games: Nautical Nightmares by @r41nyd4ysworld. A free indie game on itch.io set in the 1930 following a murder mystery on a cruise. The main character/player is Nanno Makok, a mixed Blasian (Thai, I believe) character and the cast is full of other Black and POC characters too.

Of course, like you mentioned, there is indie projects to support too.

I hope these recommendations can start off as a starting point for you

Thanks for the recommendation

And yeah I realize it's mostly survival. It's hard to accept that you're a minority, even more when people don't think of you as a person.

Like just respecting us instead of putting a story above us is too much asked? Just because of a show? Really?

I realize more and more how many part of me make me vulnerable. In my country we see the far right slowly taking its way and I'm scared for the next presidential election. I'm disgusted how they're all admiring Trump and can't wait to do the same here.

And now I can't even enjoy something without racism being thrown in my face AND being told I lack "media literacy" for disagreeing with the ending of the show and not liking how the creators and the fandom act.

I already start to put some distance with anime and manga and have some thoughts such as "does my favorite VA actually would be disgusted to see me because I am black? Would people look at me like some kind of creature from a freak show if I go there or Asia at all?"

When I see how we are represented and people say that it's just fiction...

So I just try to do it more myself now :

I follow black cosplayers on Instagram and that help for visualization. I hated my hair for a long time and started only some years ago to take care of it and it make me glad when my sister and mother praise it. I feel proud myself to have them stay natural.

It's a subject I thought about since this movie of Malcolm X where he talked about keeping our hair as they were

I generally just think about trying to find more of my roots.

The good side of llsif was that the stories weren't heavy, long or even that important. I could just skip it and get the music associated to this part.

People reblog post about black fans leaving Tumblr and then they throw that shit. The lack of awareness is just. Wow.

You talk about trends but you're showing your ass right now about how caring about black people is just to look like you care. In fact, you can't take a step back to think about who it actually hurt

You all took the "fiction isn't reality" to an extreme where even when it manifests in reality it's not that bad, especially when you're not the victim. People who care about social justice are just woke after all.

Sorry but racism is very real even outside of the show and the internet. Black people don't act "performative" about being affected by racism in tadc space and in fandom in general.