Autistic Someone

There’s a lot of hate on widowers and I saw a woman say “You cannot compete with a dead woman.” which is perhaps a reasonable statement to say if he’s constantly comparing you to his dead partner but that wasn’t what the post was about. And I realized “Oh my God, these people genuinely feel like they’re constantly in competition with their spouse’s exes and the ex being dead makes them feel insecure that they cannot best her.”

1) I am widowed. my Beloved Wife of Blessed Memory(tm) died in 2019

2) I got together with my current partner about 18 months later

3) when I am committing acts of Foolishness my current partner loves to gesture at the sky to my dead wife, like "do you see this shit, my liege" and regularly says to me things like "[wife's name] was right about this" when my Foolishness inevitably comes back to bite me in the ass

4) this happens. all the time

more importantly:

5) my current partner is on tumblr

6) they love to incessantly send me posts

WHICH MEANS:

7) they just sent me this post with this commentary:

Ethan, when he dreams of her, has dreams of marrying by a lake with Julia in a beautiful wedding dress and carefully crafted vows.

Ethan is absolutely a deeply romantic person who wants to gaze adoringly at the person he loves and treat them like something precious.

Now thinking about that dream wedding that has Lane make it a nightmare by killing Julia.

Thinking about how the phrase he says to Benji ‘I won’t let anything happen to you’ paired with the adoring gaze feels like a vow. (Especially after dreams of something happening to Julia)

How Benji and Ethan are in Paris, traditional city of love.

How often Ethan and Benji are next to each other in Paris.

And then Lane comes along and makes it a nightmare by killing Benji…

But really it’s so I wake up each morning and think about Benthan…

@demilypyro​ @transgendersex​ forgive me, I had to

Two people who never reached out first, never messaged, never suggested going out. Two people who constantly posted on Facebook how much fun they’d have on an outing I wasn’t invited to. Two people who I used to be very close to, who invited me to weddings and funerals and outings and Christmas and birthdays. Two people who just decided to stop making me a part of things.

And I kept reaching out for attention for six months and getting only the most lukewarm replies from two people who had described themselves for over twenty years as my best friends. Who had all but given up reaching out to me.

So I stopped.

I didn’t cut off all lines of communications, they’re still there. I just unfollowed them on social media and stopped reaching out to them. And since then - not a word from them. Not one single word.

(Not even a ‘are you ok’ when they both know how ill I am and it’s entirely feasible I just died…)

And I thought it would be difficult. It’s been surprisingly easy. I don’t regret it. Not at all. I don’t feel judged and found wanting, I don’t feel like I’m being used but not needed. I don’t feel like I don’t fit, like I’m there out of pity, not love.

I feel relaxed. Happy. Free.

I was just thinking about it because one of their birthdays is coming up, and usually I’d be thinking about a gift right about now and preparing a night out. But this year I won’t be doing that. And I wonder if she’ll reach out to me, for the first birthday in over twenty years that I’m not there?

Or are they relieved to be rid of me?

I know why it happened. I also know they will regret it one day. But I don’t. Now that I’m out of it, I’m relieved and happier and more relaxed. The fault is theirs and the regret will be theirs too.

I’m just mildly interested to see what happens when she doesn’t get even a happy birthday text from me.

saw this on Insta and the idea that people who are anti-AI are just using it anyway like... willing to give it up? I ACTIVELY AVOID THAT SHIT BUD! WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT?

ALSO