A Pansexual Of The Tired Variety

the specialist: this author has a favorite kink or trope and has written 80% of the content in that tag. you know exactly what you’re getting. they have A Brand™️. no matter what other traits they display, dedicated rare pair authors belong here.

the chocolate box: essentially the exact opposite. this author will try anything once. they have 80+ works in the fandom with no discernible pattern. the shortest one is 268 words and the longest is well over 100k. this breed of author may or may not be related to:

the renaissance fan: they’ve written three things in your fandom: your favorite fic, your notp, and a bizarre crossover with a show you’ve never heard of. you hit “expand fandoms list” on their author page and have to scroll down twice to reach the bottom. whenever you curse the fact that you can’t legally commission fic writers, this is the author you’re thinking about.

the horn dog: they’re here for one thing and one thing only. if someone’s dick is not in another character’s mouth within 500 words, they apologize for it in the author’s notes. they have one (1) g-rated fic.

the rookie: this writer is usually young, new to fandom, or just got a beta-reader for the first time. their fics are a little all over the place, quality-wise, but you’re excited whenever their name pops up because their unique voice gets stronger every time. you feel a personal investment in their development, like you’re an old man reading the local high school sports page and saying “this kid’s the one to watch.”

the live streamer: the most prolific author in the fandom. their works are all over the front page when you sort by kudos. you have no idea how they generate this much work, and have seriously wondered if they have access to an extra-dimensional time portal. their stories are usually un-beta’d and the characterization varies wildly, but their best works are inspired and you’ve read them 30 times.

the cryptid: this one comes out of nowhere every two years, drops the best fanfic you’ve ever read, and disappears. fifteen months after you left a three paragraph comment about how they changed your life, you get a message in your inbox that just says “thanks.”

the novelist: we talk about “filing off the serial numbers” when someone reworks their most popular story to pitch it as an original novel; this author somehow does the reverse. their fics are excellent, usually long-reaching multi-chapter AUs that have almost nothing to do with the on-screen characters except their names. i’d like to extend my personal thanks to this breed of author because it’s the closest i get to reading an actual book.

the reunion tour: this author wrote some of the most popular works in the fandom, but either moved on to k-pop or burned out when canon took a turn for the worse. they put out one new thing a year, often an old draft that’s been haunting them from under the floorboards. their last six author’s notes all say they never thought they’d write this pairing again and “this will probably be the last time.”

Edit: How the hell did this get over 200 notes within 24 hours 💀

Edit 2: It's over 400 now, WHAT IS HAPPENING

Edit 3: 600?! HOW.

Edit 4:

Jopson is starving to death and the food he hallucinates looks both inaccessible due to class and inedible due to form; meanwhile, his Captain is whole and healthy - practically glowing - yet suddenly blind and deaf to him, as if Jopson were any other common servant to be ignored, instead of the man who steadily gained his confidence all the way to an unheard of promotion to Lieutenant.

I don't think Jopson is reaching out to strangle Crozier, but rather it's utter confusion and despair at why he was cast aside, knowing how strongly Francis was opposed to leaving any of the men -- a desperate bid for Crozier's recognition, which is more nourishing to him than food.

It would have been a mercy for Jopson to have died during Crozier's cow story. Jopson is literally having the "hallucinate the other guy on the desert island as a roast turkey" cartoon trope, but it's Crozier's approval he is hungry for here.