Battle Cries and Champagne

I should start posting that weird shit that tumblr likes

Oh…oh no…I’ve lost it! I was holding a shard of the King’s Ruby, and then I dropped it into my collection of beautiful goops and jellies! We’ve got to find it! Only when all four shards of the King’s Ruby are collected can King Matchbox achieve an erection…

I think it would be really wonderful if seagulls were constructed more like bottles with a mystery inside. What I'm imagining is that were you to catch one, you could then unscrew its face and there would be a glowing gem nestled in some sort of socket. The Core of the Gull so to speak. Then you could swap that around with other seagulls, and after screwing the faces back on they would fly off as if nothing happened. Hm... Is this too esoteric, or do some of you see what I am getting at?

Good bargain : Makes you gain :: Good bartender : Makes you tender

yesterday I got the "are you a boy or are you a girl" question from a six-year-old, and I told her that some people aren't boys or girls (like me!) I was expecting her to be a little confused, but she nodded thoughtfully and said, "wow, just like snails."

scientists have discovered a planet where bruce springsteen is bisexual

sorry to everyone out there who thinks they have the funniest tshirt but i think i can confidently say i just saw the actual funniest tshirt just now. i passed by a beautiful black woman with long multicolor braids blowing majestically in the beach breeze & she was wearing an oversized tshirt that said in gigantic letters "WHITE BOY OF THE YEAR"