this is a dick grayson defense account💖

Dick, who's filling in for Bruce as Batman: I'll call him

---

Hal: you've gained some muscles

Jason, dressed as Nightwing: I started working out

Hal: Damn. What's the routine cause I just saw you last week and you look completely different.

Jason: steroids

Dick, as batman: *chokes on coffee*

---

Superman: We might need someone who's good with guns, hm... Hey Nightwing you're in contact with redhood, right? Could you have him come?

Jason, as Nightwing: ... I don't see why not

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Wonder woman: this security is an issue we need someone who can hack this system long enough for us to get pass

Superman: hey hood, any chance you can give red robin a call?

Tim, with 5 inches of padding, as redhood: on it

---

Hal: isn't robin usually with you all?

Flash: yeah we could use him with this one

Superman: Red Robin, would you call in Robin for us?

Bruce: Robin, stop stalling, we need to get back in the air.

Damian: can we not stay down here for a few more minutes? one of the workers of the food truck just told me they'd give me a free hot chocolate.

Dick, dryly: well thank heavens they won't charge you, because you know we're running low on cash.

Jason: *snicker*

Bruce: shut up, both of you. and Robin, you know you aren't supposed to take food or drink from civilians on patrol. who knows who those people might be working for? they could drug anything they give you.

Damian: *thoughtful hum* ...i accept those terms.

*a beat*

Bruce, baffled: what terms?

Damian, innocently: the terms that in exchange for a free hot chocolate i must roll the dice on being drugged. i view this as a fair exchange.

Jason: *laughing again*

Bruce: Robin- *abruptly cutting himself off* Red Hood, knock it off or i'll have you moved from this line. Robin, you cannot act as if being drugged isn't a big deal, it isn't funny.

Damian: but it isn't a big deal. do you know how many times i've been drugged, Father? by allies, enemies, friends, foes; it's not rare in the life i lead.

Bruce: *concerned* what.

Dick, curious: Robin, you're fourteen. what 'friends' do you have that are drugging you?

Damian: well off the top of my head; Hood once gave me weed.

Bruce, voice dropping three octaves: excuse me?

Jason: ay aY AY AY- UNDER THE TERMS THAT YOU DON'T FUCKING SNITCH ON ME?!?!?!?! ROBIN?!?!

*a beat*

Dick: well, there goes your pass at deniability.

Damian: ...ah, right. apologies, Father. i was mistaken. i have never been drugged by a friend. a brother, on the other hand,

Jason: WHAT DID I DO TO YOU.

Damian, instantly: -broke my phone charger trying to strangle Red Robin.

Jason: ... *resigned* ...ok yeah.

Bruce, through gritted teeth: Red Hood. meet me back at the cave. now.

Jason: oh shut up- i own the iceberg lounge, you twat. i've seen you snort coke off a Pitbull impersonator's bald cap.

Bruce: JASON FUCKING TODD-

prarie madness by thathastu | G, ilya/shane, 4.1k, canon divergent

The 2008 World Junior Hockey Championships are hosted in Regina, Saskatchewan, a place with absolutely fucking nothing to do. Ilya and Shane find themselves in each other's company, trying to pass the time.

i cannot describe this as anything but americana-esque, despite the fact that saskatchewan is very much not america. ilya and shane feel SO painfully young here, and it's just so damn good.

apply pads (shock now!) by blongblong | E, ilya/shane, 34.4k, paramedics au, d/s elements

When Paramedic Shane Hollander and EMT Hayden Pike start working nights, they expect to spend their shifts getting fucked over by Response Paramedic—and notorious asshole—Ilya Rozanov. Shane does end up getting fucked, just not in the way he was expecting. (shane just wants to do his job and ride the ambulance. ilya thinks shane should be riding him, instead.)

part one of return of spontaneous circulation | INSANELY HOT. the second part is gorgeously sicknasty CNC that had me sweating. i love the progression of shane and ilya going from mortal enemies to guys who fuck to get out of boring work training sessions to guys who are sickeningly in love. the author is also so clearly a paramedic, it's endearing.

enough by unleaved | T, ilya/shane, 6.4k, magical realism, shane-centric

The best and second-best hockey players in the world are standing in this room, right here, right now. I know who I am. Do you?

this fic revolves around the idea that being a sports star in a city changes you, since cities have magic, and magic is given to those the city (and her people) loves. shane is completely ordinary, despite that. i think this is one of those fics that i can't believe doesn't have more kudos than it does. this author understands shane so well.

you're not a constant star by kisscamcolby (@montrealmetros) | E, ilya/shane, 3.2k, winner's room, period piece

After the Metros win over the Moscow Central Red Army in the 1980 Super Series, Shane picks Ilya as his winner's room forfeit.

guys i LOOOVE a winner's room fic. and i really, really fucking love period pieces, AND hockey history. so this is me geeking out a little (a lot), because footage of the 1976 SS canadiens v. CSKA game is actually what got me into hockey to begin with.

and i want what i want by thesehands (@thesehandsfic) | E, ilya/shane, 14.1k, d/s & bdsm

“Hollander. Relax. So you lost one game,” Ilya said. “Big deal. Win next time.” “It is a big deal,” Shane said. His hands were clenched tightly into fists. “It’s not just the game. You know I can’t afford to fuck up like this, not this close to playoffs. It’s a pretty big deal. Fuck. And it’s my fault. I wasn’t focused. I can play better than that, and I just… didn’t.”  “Okay, your fault, so what?” Ilya shrugged. “You think you should be punished for this?” 

i could genuinely make an entirely different rec list where i just list every single d/s fic that i love from this fandom, on and on, into perpetuity, but this one. ooh this one. to quote my bookmark: jesus, mary, AND joseph. hot! hot! hot!

love takes miles by corsi | T, ilya/shane, 6.9k, outsider pov & epistolary

yara @troycabaret tried to get oomf into hockey and now she's obsessed with FUCKING HOLLANOV? THEY'RE 50 YEARS OLD Or: Ten years, as seen through fandom.

everyone and their mom has probably already read this, but here it is. every time i read it, i'm blown away by how good it is. a really accurate (though much kinder) portrayal of hrpf circles. but now we have to ask the real question: when will hollanov get their own version of 2022's geno contractgate? "only for pittsburgh, always with sid," hollanov edition when?

victory lap by femmecel | T, ilya/shane, 2.5k, tw: gritty

“He is a weapon, a killer. Do not forget it. You can use a spear as a walking stick, but that will not change its nature.” —Madeline Miller or Ilya fights Gritty.

- "Hey, how was your summer? Good, good."

- "Mic'd up. I'm mic'd up. Don't."

- "Have you ever been to Greece? Told Ilya I would ask you."

- "What? No, man, he didn't say that. He said he was gonna get your ass. Yeah, man, he only fucks one ass. Yeah, I mean, I would say fuck you too but--"

- "Heeeey, davai, davai. Great assist. Hah, no, don't come closer, I'm mic'd and you know I don't trust you."

- "The Royal Tiger Towel Paper Towel Power Play. The Royal Tiger Towel Paper Towel Power Play. The Royal--"

- "HEY MATHESON. You ever been to Vegas? I said, you ever been to VEGAS? I hear they let the good hockey players go there in the summer but I feel like you wouldn't know that."

- "FUCK. Hey, ref, what the fuck was that? Oh, you didn't see that? Fuck you. No, you stay there, my husband's gonna talk to you--fuck you, put me in the bin then, this is bullshit--"

- "You have the smelling salts? Yeah. FUCK--"

- "I am mic'd. Remember I am mic'd. Nope, not even in Russian."

- "Oh, yeah, the pickle video was funny. Harris said it got a lot of views, so. Yeah, no, he actually really does love pickles that much."

- "Sinclair, you got something to say? Yeah, I'm better at hide the pickle than you are at hockey. You want to ask another stupid question?"

- "You know, I run a charity too. Oh, I just assumed that you were doing some kind of Make-A-Wish thing out here with your wingers, since it looks like this is your first day on the ice."

- "Oh, hey, look. Jackie and the kids are waving at us. Okay. Okay, Rozanov, that's enough."

- "Mic'd. Mic'd. Mic'd."

- "Hello Hockey Night, welcome to my husband's shoulder pads--" "Fuck OFF, Rozanov."