Ask a Non-Binary

i saw the pronouns list with the non-English section, and i'd love it if you could add some German gender-neutal pronouns/neopronouns :-3 such as hän/sim, xier/xiem, sier/siem, dey/denen, and many more,,, a good source is https://pronomen.net/pronomen :]

Added! I added the sets you mentioned here and the link to the resource! Thank you so much for sending this!

I have been wondering if it is the standards and expectations of each gender that is too limiting, making people feel like they have to break out of the gender to be the way they want. It seems i might get pushback on this, which is okay. But i wonder what the difference is between being a man or woman who dresses and acts in any way they like, and a non binary person?

The one worry i have about the internet "culture" of different and specific gender labels is that especially girls who dont feel like they fit in society's very limiting definition of "girl" will remove themselves from the gender rather than be a part of widening the definition.

Could you give me your thoughts on these things?

So I went and looked at your blog and you seem like a normal person, rather than a bigot, so I'm going to take this earnestly and introduce you to what I call "Dome Theory."

Okay, so think about gender in two parts. There’s what is called the “activity of gender” and there’s what is called the “feeling of gender.” The activity of gender would be your participation in things like masculinity and femininity. So as a woman, wearing makeup or dresses. As a man, enjoying sports and physical tasks. This is really limiting, you're right. And when people come up against the limits of it, that might send them to question the feeling of gender. The feeling of gender is a little more complicated though. Because you can feel like your gender for a number of reasons, most of which will be hard to put into words… but you don’t have to participate in the acts that correspond with your gender to feel that.  So you don’t have to be feminine to be a woman or masculine to be a man. Which is a space a lot of people find themselves in when they question, rather than deciding they don't feel like a woman.

I think understanding what I mean, though, requires a bit of understanding of what it means to "feel" your gender. So to explain, I like to go with a metaphor I call “the domes.”  So you know how in the Hunger Games, the games are based in these domes that have their own geography, ecosystems, climate, terrain separate from The Capitol outside?  Well imagine that like gender.  

So for simplicity’s sake, I’m going to focus on men and women and I’m going to reduce the action of gender to one behavior. Just know it’s obviously a tad more complicated. So there are these two domes that have different geography, ecosystems, climate, and terrain based on the action of doing that gender. So let’s say women swim and men climb trees.  So the “woman” dome would have lots of water and docks and you learn to swim. It would be warm so that swimming is comfortable… that kind of stuff. Now, you could be good, bad, or mediocre at swimming (being feminine)… but if you feel like you belong there, that’s your gender.  The feeling of gender is how you feel about being placed in that dome.  A cis woman would be put into this dome as a baby and she wouldn’t feel wrong about being placed there… so she grew up learning to swim and didn’t feel bad or wrong about the climate or geography or terrain of your dome… It didn’t feel *wrong* to her.  That’s how she got her feeling of gender. But let’s say there'a a trans guy.. He would have been placed in the same “women’s” dome with her when he was a baby but he felt off about it. 

Say perhaps he wasn’t good at swimming. Or maybe he was but he just didn’t like it. Or maybe it wasn’t the swimming that bothered him, it just felt too hot in there. Or maybe it was something else.  Whatever it was, he looked outside of the dome and saw a dome right next to him where people climbed trees to get around. They swung on ropes to get from tree to tree and it looked so cool!  

They built houses and stores up in the trees.  There was water to drink and use, but not many people swam in it too much. the forest was dense and beautiful. He decided to take a trip over there and try out that dome. The second he walked in, it felt like home. He could be good, bad, mediocre at climbing tress, he could still swim… but for the most part, that dome just felt like home to him. It felt right. He felt off about being put in the woman’s dome, so he went looking for another place to be. 

Now, for nonbinary people, there are an infinite number of possibilities for domes. Your dome could be about any one thing, it could be about 3 things and really niche, it could change, you could just be out in the open. That's me, I made my own way in a non-binary open space. But we could have so many different domes for those of us who aren't in the man dome or the woman dome. And this, I hope illustrates what takes place in the questioning phase and how someone could find they don't fit in the very small bit of femininity/womanhood, which might lead them to question... but that isn't what the identity of nonbinary rests on.

Does that make sense? Do you have any follow up questions? I encourage discussion

Practice by talking about yourself out loud. just walk around and narrate what you're doing in the third person. say your pronouns whenever you can.

For context I currently use: Ze/Hir, They/Them pronouns

I'm Trans Non-Binary Demi-Girl, but wish to be precieved androgynously, with femme aspects. I hope that makes sense??? I want some masculine aspects tho

Have you tried something conjugated like he/him? like xe/xem (xe/xem/xir/xemself)? That might give a little bit more of a masculine feeling to it because it conjugates in a way we're more used to thinking about as masculine?

I just came to say that I discovered myself nb, and thanks to your blog too!

Thanks!! 🫂🫂

; that's amazing to hear, anon !! Really glad we helped you, and that you've discovered that. :]

; not strange at all ! And to answer the question, yes, it does fall under the trans umbrella ! Though it's important to note not every non-binary person does identify as trans.

I'm a lesbian and I identify as a demigirl, but I wonder if I'm nonbinary. Sometimes I feel like I'm not even 1% a girl, but sometimes I think at least some % I am? I don't feel comfortable with pronouns other than she/her, but I feel dysphoric sometimes, especially because I've seen some comments about lesbians not being non-binary and that made me upset.

I hope I haven't bothered you or made you uncomfortable.

Have a good day ^^

; hey, thanks for sending this in, no bother at all and I apologize for the wait !! Obviously your identity is what you feel most comfortable with, but might I suggest looking at a label like Girlflux ?? A bit from the wiki link I gave describes Girlflux as:

" feeling strongly feminine sometimes and weakly feminine at other times. Girlflux people can fluctuate from feeling completely without gender (agender) to completely feminine or female. In between those extremes, one may feel slightly feminine (librafeminine), to half feminine (demigirl), to mostly feminine (paragirl), or any other amount of femininity. "

; I recommend reading the whole thing as this could apply to you, based on your description. Of course, if nonbinary is the label you'd prefer then go ahead !! But there are many many labels to choose from, if you want one more specific or if you want something more broad, there will be something for you !!

; lastly feel free to ignore those who say lesbians have to be 100% women ( or even woman-aligned and whatnot ), it's an uneducated take && denies historical factors + denies the existence of a large portion of lesbians who are around today. So don't worry, you can be a lesbian and nonbinary ( or girlflux, etc, whatever label you end up using !! )

; well firstly I'd like to say you're going to feel confused for a while, because this is a new and confusing process. Often when someone grows up in a world with desires and expecations set by others ( get married, have kids, etc like you mentioned ) plus the additional how you should be / act ( be cis, be straight, etc, ), it's really confusing to then realize you don't fit into these very restricting boxes. And so genuinely, don't feel bad for being confused and for being complicated. Those are probably the most " normal " ( as in, common ) things you could be really. Difference is the most common thing there is, so don't stress that you don't fit into one or two neat little boxes ! No one really does do they

; secondly, how you feel about your gender vs how you like being referred to & expressing yourself are all three separate things, sometimes they're similar sometimes not. But if you feel neutral, but prefer feminine terms while also wish to present masculinely, then that's okay ! You're okay to be that and to feel that, totally okay. ( also side note: what " classifies " you as a certain gender is whether or not you want to be classified as that gender, simply speaking. You want to be nonbianry ? You're nonbinary. Want to be a girl ? You're a girl. Want to be a mix of both or three or four ? Then you're that ! And everyone is going to be nonbinary, etc, a little differently. There's similarities and common experiences but it's your identity, so it's going to be specific to you !! )

; thirdly, when realizing you're nonbinary ( and / or when beginning to question your gender at all ) often orientation comes after, and vice versa. ( I know that the moment I found out liking people other than men was an option, I wondered if being a man was an option too and then it simply took off from there and now I'm where I am today: just as confused as I was before much more confident that even if I don't always have the right label, I'm comfortable being me in whatever phase " me " is that day or even that minute, and if that changes then it changes ! ) So if you right now don't feel attraction to men, you don't feel attraction to men ! And I get it, knowing " why " or " how " you like one gender but not the other is confusing, especially with how diverse gender is in the first place. But just, trust that you know what you want, and stick to that while navigating all these terms and experiences !! You'll get through the initial panic, don't worry.

; and fourthly, it's not weird or anything: this is literally the place to ask questions about these sorts of things, and if anyone is going to understand your experiences even just a little it's going to be the people who went through / are going through them too. So no worries about that !! And if the people you're asking questions from answer back with a question themselves, you can find the answers together.

; and lastly: you're valid, your identity is so valid and it has been forever. No matter how confusing or complicated or different it is, it's valid. Even if you never 100% find a label / labels that describe you fully, you're still valid ! And your identity sure as heck is real, I mean it's your identity and it's right there. Seems real and valid enough to me no ?

; good luck figuring out your identity and everything else, and I wish you luck on being confused !! :]

" We’re putting together our wedding website and I just wanted to double check how you’d like to be listed, if you like ‘Groomsman’ or if you’d prefer another title like ‘Groomswoman’ or ‘Groomsperson’?

is this ok? is there a better way to ask?

; that looks great, straight to the point and respectful ! I'm sure she will appreciate your consideration. Additionally, congratulations and I hope the wedding goes well !!

I'm a writer and I'm trying to write my first book. One of my main chracters will be non binary and even tho I have made reserch on how to write enby characters, I feel like asking a nb person would also be great for learning.

So what I would like to know is pretty much if there's something that authors in general are misrepresenting about the community, some traits that nb people would love to see more in the media and other that you hate, because they are harmful or just plain and boring... that kind of stuff. I want to make a character for enby people to feel seen and represented, and I don't want to perpetrate any stereotypes.

Also, I'm a big fan of your blog, I really admire what you do!! thank you very much in advance :))

; hey !! Thanks for sending this in, props to you for actually asking questions to the people you're writing about, that's definitely the first step to writing a good and properly represented character.

; I think the most important thing is being non-binary is definitely a hugely personal thing, so don't just stop here ! Ask others, look around, maybe make posts asking for peoples experiences and their opinions too. ( any non-binary people reading this, feel free to add to this in the reblogs or comments ! ) But some main things that I, personally, think are important are:

They're ALWAYS androgynous

; and by androgynous I mean they have short hair, were AFAB and wear masculine clothing. Which, nothing wrong with doing / being so ! But it can be disheartening to only see non-binary people represented as such. So my biggest recommendation would be to really experiment with their identity, it doesn't necessarily have to be " complex " but ask yourself why one thing is complex, and why one thing is " normal " !! Non-binary people don't have a single normal look, and not all of us are even the most common idea of androgynous. Even then, everyone experiences androgyny a little if not a lot differently. Some enbies have beards, wear dresses, don't bind, don't " look non-binary " etc and still consider themselves androgynous !! We're people, we're different, don't be afraid to really branch out with your character.

they're known as The Nonbinary Character and only that

; just like any character you're creating, it's important not to get stuck on a single trait and make that their only noticeable trait. Especially with something like this, it's crucial to really give them personality and purpose to the story, don't make them simply The Enby. It's seen a lot with things like The Gay Bestfriend and all, their queer identity is their only defining trait and they end up, purposefully or not, simply being there for diversity points and truly being a terribly harmfully stereotypical and boring character. And even if it's not their only trait, it ends up being a really important part of them. Which is good and can be great representation .. But if them being nonbinary really doesn't effect the story or their character arc, there is no reason to force it into being that way. Their identity doesn't have to be a huge deal and certainly doesn't have to greatly negatively effect the story. ( See: people adding transphobia into fantasy worlds for seemingly no reason but just to have transphobia )

give them euphoria !!

; obviously I don't know your story, but something I see a lot in honestly any book with nonbinary characters ( especially ones centered around said identity ) is it's always doom and gloom, there's never really much positivity around the persons identity. Which can be good for story building, but being non-binary doesn't have to be a purely negative experience. It really never commonly is ! It's in most cases freeing and positive and opens doors to many more great experiences. Whether you make it a huge deal or not, don't be shy on adding some positive things relating to their identity !! Make them happy and proud to be nonbinary !! If they come out in the story, make it good and really describe the joy that comes from it. Small things like being happy when people use their pronouns, feeling euphoric from getting a new clothing item, being obviously comfortable with certain people and showing it through things like jokes about their identity, etc.

stereotypical people are still people

; obviously it's important to push away from harmful stereotypes, or excluding ones, but !! They can be positive, or could be inside jokes among communities that'll really make the character that little more relatable. And as much as stereotypes are bad in cases when pushed from negative and tainted views by " outsiders ", there can be ones based in general ( grain of salt ) truth. Or are sometimes from the community. So the best way to go about it while not playing into stereotypes fully is to, in my opinion, mix stereotypes and experiences. Find experiences from people who have had similar(ish) things happen to them, to your characters plot and see how they go through life with their identity, include common and include " obscure " traits !!

; again as I said before, make them a complicated character with multiple traits and sides and history, etc. It'll make them 10 times more relatable than just picking one common stereotype and pasting it into your world. ( things like hand gestures, how we sit, our mannerisms in speaking, etc. Not necessarily harmful but still technically stereotypical. Personally I find them funny and relatable, others may not !! And that's okay !! You could even find character specific stereotypes, look for positively represented nonbinary characters who share things with your character and maybe consider incorporating those things ! )

; and that's just four relatively vague points, coming from just one single person who has not in fact written a book + does not speak for every enby ever, so I really do encourage you to get opinions from others and really remember we're all very different and unique people, so your character can be different and unique too. Good luck on making your character and your book !!

; I think an important thing to learn is to give yourself validation, sure it's nice to hear it from others, but the most important opinion on your own identity is yours. So, if you know it's not wrong to present femininely while using he / him, then is that not all that matters ?? I can and will say it's fine, because it is, and I think it's really cool how you express yourself and that you know yourself well enough to use he / him while being feminine and are okay with that, even with others not being as accepting. That's totally awesome ! But it's important to pay attention to the fact you know it's okay, it's your identity, and you being comfortable with yourself is way more important than whether or not others like you. Ignore those who dislike you for such things, and surround yourself with people who accept you for who you are ( even if the people in question is just you, it's okay to find validation in yourself )

; who cares if the occasional person says something mean about how you identify !! You're living your life. You're comfortable with who you are. That's infinitely more important than some random people you don't even know making rude comments on things they evidently don't understand.

; I hope you feel better, and I wish you luck on feeling more confident in your identity.

; hello ! So starting off, there's an important distinction between having attraction to people, and acting on those feelings. So no, being attracted to non-binary people as a straight person is not inherently transphobic since you cannot control who you feel attracted too, plus you've said nothing about not respecting their identities. ( and there's always the context of how those non-binary people specifically align, etc etc ), but it does pose the question and open the door to whether you are actually straight or not !

; now there are a lot of terms you could use realistically speaking, and it really depends on your own personal comfort and whether you believe the term(s) are right for you / whether you'd feel more comfortable simply continuing to identify as straight. But going off your experiences a term you could look into is Finsexual ( <- link to a wiki page ), which is described as the attraction to those who are Feminine in nature, whether this be in their gender & / or gender presentation ! This can include women, feminine aligned / presenting enbies, and even in some cases feminine men.

; since genderfluid is under the non-binary umbrella, and you mentioned they are specially feminine genderfluid people, this label can apply to them as well !! Same with the feminine bigender people.

; at the end of the day it's best to choose whatever label(s) make you most comfortable and feel best accurately describe your experiences. But I wish you luck and I hope this answered your question !

I would like to tell my parents about this, in a way they'll know I will do it either way, but I would love their help and support on this matter (I'm not going to change my gender on my ID, just my name).

How should I tell them?? I want to let them know I will do it regardless of their oppinion, but how should I say this without sounding too 'rebel' and just wanting to do 'the opposite they want'? I'd like them to understand my feelings and identity, but I've tried before without success. Maybe you could help me with ways of coming out of the closet again? Or how to speak senstive subjects with parents?

I'm really lost, and any help would be appreciated. Also sorry for any grammatical error, English is not my firts language.

; hello !! I'm sorry about your family, I can understand the feeling.

; I think the best way to start the conversation would be to simply say you want to change your name, and explain the importance of it and how it would help you and make you more comfortable. Depending on how they react I'd recommend not saying anything like " I'm doing it whether you want me to or not. " or anything like that, as that probably won't help, at least not in the beginning. See if they're willing to hear you out first, and try get them on board, even if they don't understand your identity you might be able to explain the basics of " it's important to me, and changing my name is important to me " and how their support in your decision would mean lots to you. If they react positively to the name change then you can maybe try elaborating on your identity and " come out again " but if they're tense try not to push them.

; however if they're against the idea of you changing your name, you'll have to go the route of emphasizing you'll be 18 soon, going off to uni, and should be allowed to make your own decisions regarding yourself and how you go through life, and that you'll be doing this with or without their support, ( though it'd be greatly appreciated ) that could simply be enough to sway them.

; if it doesn't work first try, you can still bring it up again up until you leave. But don't stress yourself out trying to change their mind, at the end of the day you being comfortable with yourself is more important than them liking how you identify and refer to yourself. And they'll understand one day that you've changed your name for yourself, not just to defy them or be " rebellious ". And good luck !