Ask Me Anything!

You can click [here] to go fill out the form, or you can copy paste this link: https://forms.gle/hR6vw4t4cgQYyvDc7

So for me, once I figured out that I was aroace, I was absolutely rock solid certain that I was aro. Literally everything that I did or felt pointed towards me being aro, but, I was not nearly so certain of my aceness. Even now, I feel like my aceness is secondary to my aroness, and part of that was because I could not for the life of me figure out if I was actually experiencing sexual attraction or not. What finally let me relax and stop worrying so much about it was this thought: I am happy calling myself ace. I am happiest acting and making decisions as if I was ace. For all intents and purposes, I am functionally ace. Everything else is dressing.

If it makes you happier, or feel safer, or if you can’t be bothered to go into the minuta of “well I act aro but sometimes I get crushes but I don’t act on them” with everyone you meet? You can call yourself aro. If calling yourself demi- or grey-romantic makes you feel happier, do that. Labels are a form of shorthand for big complicated things, so if you feel that aro fits you most of the time? Go for it. 

My dad did a similar thing when I came out as nonbinary, so I think you’re right in that it’s amatonormativity/aphobia in a subtler, less overt way than we usually think of it. If it’s bothering you, you could bring up that you don’t think she’d react this way if you said you were gay, or compare it (like I did) to transphobia. 

Since there’s not an in depth question here, you could also just be looking for reassurance, in which case, yes, that is bad and you don’t deserve to have that kind of, hm, energy? in your life. You’re allowed to use whatever labels make you feel the best. I’ll try and find the post, but someone once compared labels to boxes and people to cats. We hate it when we’re forced into one, but once we find one we like, we hate to be forced out of it.

You’re in luck my good Logan! I too am trans, and while I never personally grappled directly with the question “I’m I really aro or is it just dysphoria and internalized transphobia” I got... close. 

This will be based on my own experiences, and since I am not you it’s mostly going to be a list of questions you can ask yourself and what those answers might mean. I hope that’s alright!

When you imagine yourself in a romantic relationship, do you have to force it? I’m assuming you do, since you’re here. What about when you imagine yourself post transition, or in your Ideal Form, whatever that may take? Do you still have to force it? Aka once you get your dysphoria to shut up for five minutes, is it still uncomfortable?

How do you imagine your future? When you imagine your future, outside the context of getting married or having a dedicated relationship, is there someone else there? Who? What role would they play? I figured out I didn’t actually want to marry, ever, most likely, when I realized that whenever I imagined my future it was me living mostly alone. Maybe a cat. Unless I was thinking specifically in the context of “someday I will be married”, of course, and even then it felt forced, like I was putting on an act.

Do you like the aromantic label? Does it work for you? Does it fit? I tried many labels before landing on plain old aromantic, mostly because I was trying to not be, but not a one felt right. If aromantic feels right, even if only for a little bit, even if only for now, then you’re allowed to call yourself such! There are a lot of times where I doubt my own aromaticism, and the thing that keeps me from getting too far into that pit is that labels are mostly shorthand, and if it works for you then it’s true. 

For clarity’s sake, I would like to state that feeling uncomfortable with a label is not the same as it not fitting. Like I mentioned, I tried on a lot of aromantic-adjacent labels before settling on simply aromantic, and while at first calling myself aro made me uncomfortable (internalized aphobia, let’s go) it did not feel wrong, like all the other one’s did. For me, the feeling I got from literally everything else felt akin to how dysphoria feels for me, while aromantic felt more like “but I don’t want to be”, which while unhelpful wasn’t… well. You know how dysphoria feels. There’s a difference between feeling dysphoric and feeling uncomfortable, and the difference felt a lot like that.

First of all, I am so sorry that this drama group is being made uncomfortable by this person. That really sucks, and I hope you can figure out something to make it less awkward and more fun for you, whether that’s with something I recommend or with something else you come up with. I have anxiety so I probably won’t have any particularly new or even very good advice, but either way I want you to know that you aren’t alone. If you’d like, I can talk about the one and only time I dated someone, for similar reasons (I do not recommend this).

I think the most efficient method would be to talk to them. This does not make it easy or surefire, just the simplest. Talking to them would let you lay out your half of the story and maybe get them to stop, although of course that could go badly if they’re not… great. You could also get a friend or someone else in the group to talk to them about it, which may be easier. That would not make you weak or cowardly! If you’re worried about how this person could react, it would make sure that you were out of the line of fire, for lack of a better word, while still making sure that your feelings were known. 

Another option is ignoring it and hoping they never ever bring it up. I’ve done that. It doesn’t work very well, but, ya know. It’s an option. I don’t recommend this.

You could also (if you’re comfortable being out) start mentioning being aromantic in conversation. You know that thing where people will come out via joke? That. Start wearing aggressively aromantic shirts, or bracelets, or just talking about it all the time. It’s passive aggressive adjacent, and they may not get the hint, but it might make you feel better and hey, maybe they’ll know what aromantic means! 

Do whatever makes you feel safest and most comfortable, and again, I’m really sorry you’ve been put in this position. Being the object of unrequited affection, even when it’s only perceived is never any fun.

Okay! There are a lot of similar posts out there, so I’m gonna end up repeating some of those (meaning you may of seen them before), but I’m going to try and have as many original points as I can! Without further ado;

The following is a[n incomplete!] list of the Good Parts of being aro:

You’re not straight! (Unless you are, but you’re not straight, ya feel?) I count that as a bonus :P imagine being Straight oh god

You’ve got that sweet sweet outsiders perspective! A neutral point of view! Relationship analysis (I’m thinking in fiction, because that’s the only time it’s ever come up for me but it could also apply to friends’ relationships) is a lot easier when the big Sentimental Thing is just... a non issue

Romance sounds Very Confusing, And Also Hard. Don’t gotta deal with that!

Unless you want to, of course, that’s a different story! But I feel like taking away the... big fuzzy anxiety would make is less Hard? As far as I can tell romantic attraction is like big fuzzy anxiety, which, I already have enough anxiety thank you very much, don’t need more

Oh! One less thing for Anxiety Brain to obsess over! If you have anxiety brain. I mean there’s still stuff, but anxiety brain will obsess over anything

Green is such a good color, isn’t it? And it’s ours! We’ve stolen it >:)

Honestly I have a lot of time to think about, like, actually Cool things, that allo people seem to spend thinking about romance. Which. Boring. I could be thinking about linguistics, or drawing, or literally anything else, wh

Okay actually time is a big one. If you aren’t dating, or worrying about dating, or thinking about romance, which allo people seem to spend a lot of time on you just. Can do more fun things? Invest in hobbies! Draw! Learn a language! Practice whistling! When your friends are going speed dating at a bar, or something, work on that sweater you’ve been knitting! YOU HAVE SO MUCH TIME!

why do allo people spend so much time on dating. prolly the amatonormativity. I’m so sorry allo friends, rest in pieces

I’ve been so much happier with my relationships after I figured out I was aro. I’m not worried about whether I’m “in love” with my friends anymore, or if it’s going to ruin our relationship, and I’m generally just so much more secure in my platonic relationships. It’s so nice! I’m not worried about it anymore! (I hope you get to that point soon!)

Actually I feel like I appreciate my platonic relationships a lot more? Culturally, especially, friendships are devalued a lot (which is sad :( ) but I just.... love my friends....... os muchm,.......... AND for those bits of media that do appreciate their platonic relationships? Hoooo boy. Mine now.

OH my gosh I can’t believe I almost forgot this one, your future can be ANYTHING! And of course even if you’re allo your future can be whatever you want it to be, but amatonormativity is one hell of a drug and so many allo people do genuinely want to find someone and settle down and do the whole white picket fence thing. But!! Since you’ve figured out you’re aro, you can figure out your alternate reality! This was actually very exciting for me, I did NOT look forward to the get married have kids algorithm, but I, had, to want it??? Everyone wants it??? But NO! You could want ANYTHING! You could HAVE ANYTHING! Exciting!!! Three kids and a dog? Go for it! Live with your friends in a farming commune in the woods? Sounds fun! Living alone with your six cats? Kitties!! DREAM BIG!!

There’s a lot more, obviously, but these are the immediate one’s I could think of that definitely affect my everyday life. If you’ve got more, add ‘em!

Oh definitely, though I feel like this is also just. Marginalised identity thing. In part because of the frustration of being marginalised and not having any allies*, right, like you’re there trying to make society better except NO ONE WILL LISTEN TO YOU because you’re whatever marginalised identity, but you also only notice the things that need to be better (and want them as such) BECAUSE your whatever identity (I’m being generic because I also do this with my ADHD and like, transness, so I’m kinda assuming it’s a semi-universal thing. At some point I wished I was a cis boy so I could wear dresses and have it be a Thing, ya know?)Anyway, idk if this is the case for you, but for me it’s def a case of wanting more change faster, and not being in a position to make that change in greater society due to the identity that makes change matter. It sucks!

If you’re actually looking for tips on how to demonstrate to The Allos what a healthy relationship looks like, I don’t think you’d have to fake agony in order to date someone. I don’t think you’d have to skip the courtship phase, either, if you thought it was really necessary. You wouldn’t even have to actually date anyone, if you can do storytelling (in whatever form you like; written word is the most obvious, but things like visual art and music count too, or hell, D&D), though you may not be able to (which is fine!). In any case, I hope you find some way to express your frustration, even if it’s just creating a sideblog to talk about healthy relationships, or coming back into my inbox. Whatever works for you!

now here’s a common question: how do you know you’re aro? 

Since aromanticism is a lack of attraction, a lot of people spend years just... assuming they're allo, simply because they don't know that they can be aro. I know I did. So, here's a list of some things that helped me figure out that I was aro, and then some extra from various other sources I've read over the years, formatted in such a way that my ADHD ass can actually read the whole thing.

Imagine someone attractive. Literally anyone, by any measure. I used to take those quotev quizzes when I was younger, the ones that would tell you which Harry Potter boy would have a crush on you, if you remember those, so I did this one with I think Fred Weasly (there's your Casey fun fact of the day). Make sure they're someone you like. Now imagine kissing them. Do you want to? Is it enjoyable in any way? How? If not, pick someone else. What about them? Now imagine them confessing their UNDYING LOVE to you. How's that feel? 

This one works best if you're 1)romance repulsed, and 2)not ace (aka if you're ace this might just tell you if you're sex repulsed. Also good to know! but not what we're looking for).

Do you ever get confused about people not just... dropping a crush? Do you “chose” who to have a crush on? For me this felt like “hmmm he’s [conventionally] hot, guess I’ve got a crush on him”, which. Is NOT how that’s supposed to work. Apparently.

This one’ll work if The Heteronormativity Was Strong when you grew up, but may work regardless. Also squishes are easy to confuse for crushes! 

Have you ever had a crush on someone? What did that feel like? Was it bad? Good? It's supposed to be less like the anxiety of preforming onstage (if you hate public speaking), and more like the rush of a roller coaster drop. Something that could be described as "bad" or "anxiety", but also something that a lot of people seek out. A crush is supposed to be a net good (for the record I don't know this from personal experience, not really, but figuring this out helped me realize that I had not had a crush. ever.)

This one still works best if you're romance repulsed, but should work regardless of your sexual orientation

Have you dated someone? How did it feel? Did you resist “completing” relationship milestones, such as first kiss? Did your partner ever get frustrated with, for lack of a better term, you not meeting their needs? Did you feel that they went to fast, even if you took months to build up to anything? I did! It sucked.

DO NOT DATE SOMEONE TO TEST THIS oh my god please don’t, it sucks so much, I nearly ruined a friendship because of this, if it hasn’t happened already do NOT date someone just to try. Unless you really think you can make it work! If you really want to because you think you’ll enjoy it or it’ll make you life better, go for it, but don’t go into a relationship you don’t want or aren’t ready for because you feel you have to. Anyway this one works best if you’re a socially anxious wreck like me who needs everyone around em to be happy, all the time.

Have you found yourself IDing as bi, or pan, and it just... not really fitting? Or maybe you’ve found yourself going in circles with other IDs, cycling through because none of them really work? For me, this was “hmm, don’t wanna date boys, so I guess I wanna date girls, but I feel exactly the same about boys AND girls, so I guess I bi, but-” just around and around and around. Very unproductive! which is why it took me what, five years to figure out I was aro whoops

this one should work for everyone! if you’ve experienced that. But let’s be real, if you’re here, you probably have. 

2/2 But when I look up aro posts I mostly just find general positivity (great!) or pointing out things that can be arophobic (important!), but not really anything talks about just being? I get what it is but it still feels like this nebulous thing that's hard to get a grasp on if that makes sense? Or do you know some good places to look? Or if that's too broad maybe something that caused one of those aha moments for you? Again, if not too personal. Thank you for what you're doing!

First of all, the post that’s in my drafts right now (that I just haven’t had the energy to finish, whoops) is a collection of things I did to figure out I was aro, so you’re no where near out of line!

NEXT of all,

My biggest “aha” moment was when I dated a friend of mine, actually. We were still friends after, but that’s still not the way I’d recommend doing it (0/10 would not recommend). Basically, I thought I had a crush on him because I thought crushes were supposed to feel bad. If you had a crush on someone, you wanted to avoid them at all costs, and being around them was painful, but that’s NOT supposed to be the case. Crushes and dating and romance and all of it are supposed to be a net good in your life. They’re supposed to make you feel good. To steal from my in progress post, less like public speaking and more like a roller coaster drop. 

Another thing I remember doing (and this may not apply to you, because you already know you’re ace) was just. Going around in circles? Like, I have a very clear memory of lying awake in bed, trying to figure out my orientation (before I knew the word “asexual” OR “aromantic”, hooray for the internet) and cycling between “well, I don’t like want to date boys, so maybe I’m gay? but I feel exactly the same about girls as I do about boys, so maybe I’m bi. but I don’t WANNA date boys, so-” and just around and around and around. If you find or have found yourself doing that, it may be a sign that it’s None Of the Above.

Alternatively, you know those daydreams everyone’s supposed to have about their crush? I used to do that, except I never actually enjoyed any of it. I’d go through to motions and just be, so uncomfortable the entire time.

As for actually being aro, it’s like... I feel like somethings missing, but not like I’m missing out. This may be influenced by my neurodivergence, but for me being aro is a lot of being very attuned to Terrible Romance in movies (and not being able to enjoy them at ALL), and being vaugely (or very) upset when specific characters get put in romantic relationships. Like Odo! Poor Odo...So I guess if you find that you’re weirdly invested in analyzing and eliminating Terrible Romance from the media you consume, that may be a sign too. 

I put together this aromantic information brochure for work today, because I had nothing better to do, and they said that they might pass out copies at the Christopher Street parade! AND my coworker did a learn! 

amatonormativity, amatonormativity, amatonormativity... maybe if I type it enough my spellcheck will recognize it. 

But it doesn’t matter if spellcheck thinks it’s real, because it is! But what is it?

Urban Dictionary defines it as “The assumption that a central, exclusive, amorous [romantic] relationship is normal for humans, in that it is a universally shared goal, and that such a relationship is normative, in the sense that it should be aimed at in preference to other relationship types”, which is a lot of words. Wikitionary, on the other had, has a lot less words, with “The assumption that all human beings pursue love or romance, especially by means of a monogamous long-term relationship.” Which, just like when you hear cisheteronormative for the first time, makes you think great! but so what? What does that actually mean?

I’m glad you asked!

Amatonormativity is, in my words, the idea that everyone wants to and does fall in love, with one person, in a very specific way, which means that anyone that doesn’t check all of those boxes is left out in the cold. Aros are obviously left out, as we don’t check the “falls in love” box, but why should alloromantics care? It’s just aros. Which, first of all, that’s a very callous outlook and you should be ashamed, and secondly, you forgot about the other two boxes!

We all know someone, whether it’s a neighbour, family member, friend, or classmate that has grown up, grown old, and never “settled down”, so to speak. They’re thirty, forty, fifty, sixty, unmarried without kids and perfectly happy. Excepting the fact that a lot of people, their friend family and sometimes even strangers on the street tell them that, actually, they’re miserable and they HAVE to find someone, anyone, to get married to and live with for the rest of their lives. None of them consider friends or blood family, they don’t count, aren’t you lonely? And they’re allo!

Or, on the other end of the spectrum, we’ve got one person who’s in love with two. Maybe they too are in love with one another, or maybe they’re simply friends, and maybe all three live together, and they all get strange looks in the hallways of their apartment, and sometimes they overhear people whispering about them, how they can’t really be in love, they’re going to have to choose one day. And they’re allo!

And that’s not even talking about how aros are made to feel like they’re broken, missing out, somehow lesser or inhuman for not wanting to fall in love. That sucks! It sucks a lot! And it sucks even more, for everybody, that the people who are most outspoken about amatonormativity are aros. Everyone’s affected. The people who, on Valintines, are lamenting the fact that they’ll be forever alone, nevermind their friends, or the woman who’s frantically calling her friend at three in the morning crying over how she doesn’t have a boyfriend yet, terrified of dying alone, even though her friend picks up and talks her down when she has work in the morning. 

I don’t have a good segway out of this, but for funsies: everytime I wrote amatonormativity there’s a little (well, big) squiggly red line, and when I right click on it google’s recommending noninflammatory. Amatonormativity, is, in fact, the opposite of noninflammatory. Or maybe it isn’t? Inflammable is such a confusing word.  

Hello! My name is Casey Kay, or at least that’s what you can call me, and I’m aromantic! Technically I’d identify as neu aro, and I love talking about it. I simply adore explaining things, and I’m hoping that I can use my love of explaining things (and my quite frankly absurd memory- oh so you can remember the etymology of octopus but not that we have homework? thanks a lot) for the good of the community! 

This blog exists and will exist in the future as a place where people, allo, aro, and questioning, can come and ask whatever question they might have about aromanticism, it’s history, and it’s terms. Like amatonormativity! That’s a long one. That probably needs it’s own post. 

Anyway! Feel free to reblog this post, or any of my other posts, and if you think I doing bad enough and, well I could do a better job, tell me! I’d love to have a co mod, for when I don’t know enough or simply don’t know.

So whether you’re aro, allo, questioning, or somewhere between any of those, come on over and pepper me with questions! I love answering them.