Ask a Nonbinary Ace

...and only just now do I have the time and spoons to return to blogging. Yikes.

One of my pride month ventures has been joining a Facebook community for the parents of nonbinary kids. The community is supposed to be based on support and acceptance, but apparently no one finds it against that mission to constantly complain about their kids being nonbinary, and issue endless hopes that it’s “just a phase.”

For the record (because I’m betting a lot of you nonbinary minors out there must actually be hearing this nonsense from your parents) this is not only not supportive or accepting, it’s straight-up enbyphobic/transphobic.

Yeah, some folks transition in and out of trans and/or nonbinary identities, and that is perfectly okay and legitimate, but treating that as a “hope” is not acceptable. It poses cisgender and binary as superior, as you don’t usually hope for the worst in life. That is why it’s an unacceptable way to treat this in your kids, or in anyone (especially those you claim to love and support).

Nonbinary identities are not inherently phases, are not always just “stepping stones” to being binary trans, or just “experimentation” that folks go through before settling into their birth genders. It’s not “just for kids” (yeah, my 14-year-old is nonbinary, but I am out here pushing 40, folks) and it’s not “brand new” (the language to describe it just hasn’t always existed in all cultures).

The thing is, I'm afab, use she/her, have been using these all my life, but recently I've started trying she/they. I started trying these online, and I've finally told one of my closest friends I wouldn't mind if someone used they/them (although I was still not very sure I felt totally comfortable with they/them), but as soon as I told them, something didn't feel right. Finally, I've decided to tell them not to use they, but online I still don't mind it (I think).

Do you know if this could be a normal thing when telling someone for the first time, or it could mean that maybe they/them isn't for me? Or maybe I'm okay with it online but not offline, idk

Anyway, thank you so much!

Don’t worry about bothering me, it’s fine!

Honestly, it could be either way, and ultimately that answer has to be up to you. But I do want to lend legitimacy to the possibility that you possibly aren’t used to it more than it’s inherently “wrong” for you. A lot in my own gender journey felt awkward and uncomfortable when first giving it a try, from pronouns to (sometimes still!) calling myself “trans” and not just nonbinary alone. And that last one? Sometimes I still question myself about it!

It’s hard to know how much of this kind of discomfort is from external pressure (in my case, truscum, in yours, just society at large), and how much is legitimately feeling as if it doesn’t suit us. Sometimes we just have to experiment for a while, and that’s okay! If you wanted, you do have this one friend who you felt comfortable asking to use these pronouns, so whether you choose to expand the circle at all or not, I would just explain something like, “I’m not really sure where I stand on these pronouns, but I’d appreciate if you used they/them pronouns with me sometimes as sort of a trial for me so I can see how comfortable I am with it now and possibly moving forward. It may not be permanent, and my preference might switch.” I imagine the person you felt comfortable with would understand such a thing, if you trusted them with (and they were respectful of) this change in the first place.

Also, there’s a shade of legitimacy to only being “ourselves” online, certainly while we’re figuring ourselves out. The shelter of anonymity that exists online allows us to feel safer from the ugliness of bigotry. Even if you only ever felt comfortable this way online, would that make it less true to you? It’s sort of like being in the closet in any regard--that doesn’t make a person less LGBTQ+, ya know? It just means maybe they aren’t comfortable or safe being open in all aspects of their life, and that’s okay. Only you can know when and if making the switch to the offline world is right for you. But don’t let discomfort in that regard in the very beginning be your deciding factor. Give yourself time, whether that time is to become comfortable with new pronouns, or to decide you like the ones you’ve always used.

I’ve started having to wear makeup. (I’m not very good at it.) It’s for work--if I don’t, I am a washed out beige blob on Zoom. It’s a pain in the ass. But, I’m actually finding that I kind of enjoy it. Also, it allows me real joy when I get to flip out of femme work stuff and back into a more masc aesthetic. I don’t even think it’s the ending masc thing, I think the euphoria comes in the fluidity.

You’re in the emergency room and the doctor walks up to you and says “I’m Dr. Shafer, I use xe/hir pronouns”

You work at a clothing store and are enrolling a customer in the rewards program. It asks you to check a box to indicate if they’re male or female. But their gender isn’t immediately obvious. You think about just guessing vs having to ask them what gender they are. You ask, and they say they’re non-binary. But that isn’t an option in your computer and you need to pick one to move forward to the next screen. What do you say/do?

You’re visiting a friend’s elderly aunt at a nursing home and she uses the wrong pronouns for you, saying “what a [handsome/beautiful] young [woman/man] you are!” And when you correct her, she gets angry.

You’re in the men’s locker room when a woman walks in. She doesn’t look confused, and you’re not sure if she meant to enter the room or if she’s made a mistake. Do you inform her “this is the men’s locker room!” or just wait to see if she’ll notice?

You know, I ended up taking that post down because I worried folks would find it ridiculous to ask about, for any number of reasons. (I struggle with many worries and fears.) It means a lot to me that upon seeing it before I did so, you 1) didn’t think negatively of it, and 2) took the time to come up with these. Thank you so much.

I actually think that first one knocks it outta the park, as it’s both powerful and concise. I kind of love the concept of “YOU are misgendered” as well, and am going to have to think on how well it would work for this assignment.

As promised, I got my hands on a copy of It Feels Good to Be Yourself written by Theresa Thorn and illustrated by Noah Grigni. I am definitely pleased with this book on a lot of levels. 

There’s representation of trans girls, trans boys, and nonbinary kids. It mentions gender fluidity and how sometimes you just can’t find the right word to fit who you feel you are. It encourages kids--both trans and cis--to talk about their gender identities. As a bonus, race and disability representation are visually incorporated. In the back there’s a glossary for parents new to the topic, talk of pronouns (including mention of ze/hir and how there are many beyond those), and a list of additional resources (including another children’s book, Who Are You? The Kid’s Guide to Gender Identity, which I also recommend).

I specifically included images here that represent some of how the book approaches nonbinary identities, since that’s directly related to this blog. I think it was handled quite well, and in more detail than I was expecting. Too often nonbinary identities are treated as the throwaways of the trans universe. We might get a scribble in the margin, but certainly not a whole page. This book gave us several pages, and covered a great deal of what it can mean to be nonbinary in terms simple enough for a young child to understand.

Managing a work wardrobe has been interesting. I’m not much of a shirt and tie person, but occasionally I think I really rock it. I hate polo shirts, and am not much for button-downs alone. This pickiness of mine has meant that I’ve ended up dressing femme on many work days.

It's been quite an adjustment. I'm not upset by it, but it's definitely felt strange. Just... out of the ordinary. I know it's affecting the way students see me, but I'm reminding myself that how other people perceive me is not my concern.

It has actually been somewhat fun enjoying the bright colors and fancy patterns more easily found amongst femme clothing. I think that's what's keeping me happy in this--I've always loved things that were eye-catching, and the steady parade of masc tee shirts and gym shorts I'd fallen into definitely didn't meet that description.

Sometimes we trans people need to remind ourselves that our genders need not be performative. We are allowed to enjoy the trappings of our assigned at birth genders without feeling guilty. Liking things traditionally associated with our AGABs does not delegitimize who we are.

This still applies if it means some people won't see us as our true identities because of it. The transphobia of others is not our concern, not something we are required to fix.

So I'm learning to live in my new clothes, learning to embrace how I feel in them, and learning to ignore those who'd misgender me for it. The transphobia of others does not strip me of my identity. Nothing can do that. Nothing is strong enough.

and there’s one major thing I’m doing differently: Gender. The entire concept.

First, I have my personal pronouns not just in my email signature, but in my introductory Blackboard post as well. I also emailed my boss informing her of my pronouns, and not only was she a supportive ally directly to me, she also started including her own pronouns in her email signature to normalize the concept. This is the first time I’ve ever been out as nonbinary in a work environment, and it’s both thrilling and a little scary.

Second, I started out student introductions asking not just that they give me their preferred name, but also their pronouns. I told them if they did not give me pronouns I would be using they/them as those are the default “unknown gender” pronouns in the English language. I also told them they could email me this info if they weren’t comfortable announcing it to the class. About 40% of the class gave me their pronouns, which is a pretty good number, I think, given how many folks kind of scoff at the idea.

Third, I asked that students use Zoom’s naming capability upon entering a meeting to both tell me what they want to be called and (until I know who everyone is by heart) what name they are enrolled under (if different). So I’ve asked folks do something like “John (Jane Doe)” to indicate what they’d like to be called first and foremost.

Oh I do know it is a meme, and one I’m certain is meant with no ill will from you, anon. Yet I am one of those people and thus I must killjoy all over it. (If I recall this article correctly, I actually have a problem beyond what is talked about--but I’m not going to hit on all that stuff. You get the point.)

I rather loathe that this is what society has come to. Even our small joys (memes for chrissakes!) are so often built on prejudices that are just... depressing. Disappointing. Saddening. Good lord, I understand the “how do we keep going?” mindset so well sometimes.

This is why I love solid, LGBTQ+-created content so much. I’m actually a huge fan of comedy! But it can be hard to find some that isn’t problematic. Hell, I loved Hannah Gadsby’s new special, Douglas, but I think there was even some gender-essentialism in there. I think Tig Notaro made a joke or two about Cher’s trans son that made me squirm a little. Sometimes I wonder if there’s no fucking winning.

But nobody’s perfect, and we need to recognize that. Criticize where it’s due, but also source your comedy where appropriate. Trans content from trans people, race-related content from BIPOC, you get the idea.

So there are two things I’d love to come out of this needlessly lengthy anon response!

1) Share with me some comedians you love, and why you love them, what content they excel at.