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Reflection of the self
As we move through our journey, we are able if observed correctly to see our growth in the relationships we keep. And the relationships we keep are a reflection of our relationship with ourselves. I used to think that this was not the case as I observed people. I would encounter a person for a time whom to me lacked any means of goodness within them. Who it could be observed would abuse and use those around them through narcissistic tendencies or characteristics. This person on the surface of things would appear to have it all together, and in that seem to have all that I wished for and lacked. So how was it possible for someone of integrity to not also have these things?
How was this possible?
The truth is, not all is as it appears on the surface. We see but a window into another’s life thinking we know, but we do not see the whole picture. You see in our self-reflective struggles we are much closer to breathing into our own lives the life we wish to have than the person who hides behind a vail of mirrored fabrications in order to keep people or things in their life. This is and will always be short lived. Even if to us in our pain it does not appear so. And this I have also witnessed in abundance as the tides have turned this year in a way that for me to witness has been unprecedented.
Allow me to expand on this
The journey of the soul worker is never one that is easy and will always be met with the hill to climb. On this hill will be many obstacles. These obstacles are there because we asked for them. All of them from every which direction that they came from and from each person that they were delivered or presented. We agreed to help each other grow on our own level of growth weather we are self-reflectively and consciously aware of this – or not. Just because our oppressor or abuser is not aware of what they do, does not mean that they are not aware of what they do. You see it works both ways. The difference is our seed was planted a long time ago, so we see the lesson for what it is. We work through it and we trance-end the lesson. For the person who has chosen to still sleep, a seed is also planted for them to grow. When they are ready to grow their own garden of self-reflected awareness. Even if that garden will take them another 1 million years. The timing and their free will to chose is not up to us.
Mortal God
Where forth in me on this journey do I travel thus I seek another path, another way. I seek something forth which the world I here by live in doth not express to me. Here in lies my pain and my undoing that I may save my very soul and find my God that lies deep within me. Fear not for I walk this path in search of that which I am that with taunts my very dreams and my every waking breath. Taunts my heart and my mind for this world doth lie in dis-ease with itself in disillusion to the truth that lies deep within a man’s soul. Deep down where he dares not look for to see that his light will truly change the very fabric of his being and if so willing and strong enough he will return home. He will find his God he will find his centre, he will find between the threads of light within lies something which as a mortal man he cannot comprehend fully unto himself. But hence forth I must push beyond those boundaries of my mortal essence that I may once again return to my maker. That I may in turn impart unto the world a seed that with open heart may be received within the hearts of the many should they wish to follow me home.
2020 The year of the Awakening
This past year has truly been something that I must say. I did not think I would come to envisage in this life time let alone live through it. It would seem that, that which was foretold has come to pass. But just as any foretelling - changes occur for nothing is set in stone.
Such are the laws of free will both collectively and personally, on our journey here on earth. It is that free will that enables us as creators to re-create anything we so feel into existence. (Not to be mistaken for destiny. You see we all at points in our lives find ourselves in a place that seems to have aligned perfectly. This is Destiny, it is then in this time with this life changing event presented to us by some form of synchronistic events. (individual or collectively) that free will then plays her part. It is here in this time that you get to chose, do you repeat or do you go inward and create a new outcome. A new path and a new way forward.
This free will is extended to all and has no sell-by date. As human beings we too must extend this courtesy to all those around us for to do otherwise is to cheat both ourselves and that person of the space to choose. Thus changing the natural course of what is to be. It is one thing to open a door and quite another to push someone through it. We truly have no right to do this and if we do try to be meddlesome, them we must pay our dues for our meddlesome ways.
This year has taught me much in ways I did not anticipate or thought possible. And as ever I remain the pupil wide eyed and always curious and questioning all. For I will never presume to think I know – to me this is limiting my growth and my ability to learn ever more in my expansion as a being of unimaginable potential. I have observed many things this year both in myself and in those around me. Both close to home and afar,. In each observation, I am reminded that my observations are In some part also a reflection of me. In as much as I feel within me that I have worked to accomplish much self-reflection and healing in my life. I do know that this self-reflective work in my journey back to me (source, God, Home, The Light) has much work still to complete. If I were to let my self-delusion and ego have say, I am sure the message would be that of completed work. I used to hear myself say (I am too old for this – I have worked too hard to have to put up with this – I am beyond this now) And now I giggle to myself because it is me who presented such lessons or reflections to me once more. Because I had not yet learned or transmuted what was needed that I may end this repetition. It truly is not until faced with a reflection where one can look at it with peace and balance in our heart and being that we move it out of our reflective mirror. If it no longer causes a reaction in you – then you have transcended the lesson. There is great power in this and great humility as you become closer to your inner self.
True self reflection I have come to witness is not for the faint hearted and is in itself an immensely powerful and humbling journey. I see many proclaim to have done this – and yet when triggered the self-reflective work is no where to be seen. It is easy to preach about self-reflection when we are looking into the eyes of those who merely project, as a defence mechanism in order that they do not have to face the deep-set unconscious pain buried beneath layers of self-made fabrications and gremlins. In order to cope with the onslaught of an initial trauma or pain at the instant that it was created. This pain than left to breed like an illness, an infestation within the subconscious and unconscious energetic threads of the emotional realm within the person. No different to a parasite it will breed within you and when faced with the threat of being eliminated it will fight against you to survive. So now you are not only having to re visit a pain within you, you are also having to fight the gremlin you created and fed for all these years, or even life times. Talk about hard work.
But unless we do, we will inevitably repeat the same patterns and then ask ourselves why we keep having to put up with the same old story.
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The Tree in me
It is important to know that everything has its own time and within that time its place in the world.
One cannot plant a seed and expect a tree to grow over night. A tree takes time and if it is forced through an unnatural process, then this tree will be sick and it will be empty and void of anything that is real. A tree takes time to grow for a reason. It must sink its roots deep into the earth so that it may connect to all and understand itself and the earth and all there-in. It must suffer the seasons and watch and endure the pain of the seasons and changes these bring as it grows in order that it can age in its own wisdom, In it’s own time and in so reach out and up unto the heavens for guidance. Allowing the light to flow down into the base and roots the tree through the extended branches reaching out into the heavens. Thus imparting the collective wisdom and love out into the world through the trees roots. It provides for those who care to look, who care to reach and to reflect. Nourishment from the tree, wisdom, love, shelter, air, light, strength, faith, authenticity, connection and the trees own reflective individuation. All of which could never be were it not for the endurance and time given to the tree that it may grow.
Time is a sphere for which there is no beginning and there is no end. it is a continuum of expansion though each elemental gift given to you. Both in the physical and non physical. How you wish to expand is of your own volition. Never underestimate the power of time and place for to force that which is not yet yours will ultimately result in a ruinous and often devastating conclusion setting you back and in so doing. You will have to repeat the lesson. If we truly wish to expand and grow then there are no shortcuts. You cannot cut away the tree trunk to get to the branches. If you are not where you want to be, have not yet found what you feel you are looking for or have not achieved what you desire. Then you are not ready and you have not done what is necessary to get you there.
Have imperturbability - a state of calm unruffled self-assurance and self belief that you will not only get there, but that even when all seems to be dark and endless. When the road seems to wind back upon itself time and time again, you will get there unvanquished.
love your self enough to set your self free.
Mortal God
Where forth in me on this journey do I travel thus I seek another path, another way. I seek something forth which the world I here by live in doth not express to me. Here in lies my pain and my undoing that I may save my very soul and find my God that lies deep within me. Fear not for I walk this path in search of that which I am that with taunts my very dreams and my every waking breath. Taunts my heart and my mind for this world doth lie in dis-ease with itself in disillusion to the truth that lies deep within a man’s soul. Deep down where he dares not look for to see that his light will truly change the very fabric of his being and if so willing and strong enough he will return home. He will find his God he will find his centre, he will find between the threads of light within lies something which as a mortal man he cannot comprehend fully unto himself. But hence forth I must push beyond those boundaries of my mortal essence that I may once again return to my maker. That I may in turn impart unto the world a seed that with open heart may be received within the hearts of the many should they wish to follow me home.
When I was a kid I used to think that Adults had all the answers and that they were all knowing benevolent beings that were there to guide the small people. I did not understand that Adults were just children half conscience to their actions and all that goes on within them no different to that of a child. They had just lived longer and knew more useless stuff. Adults were worse than children as they were subjectively vomiting their fears onto all those around them and claiming the wounded sheep for their ignorance. It was as if, looking back that they were lost and looking for something that wasn’t there. In my personal understanding as a child. Adults were not subject to fear, segregation, evil thoughts of one another or little people no matter the colour or size. Adults to me I believed had done the work and as such were there to pass on the knowledge. They were beings of Gods light who did not possess anger, jealousy, hatred, sexual dis-ease, greed, selfishness and so on. For reasons I know not, I felt deep down in me that they were to be light/love givers. I found out very quickly despite my resistance to accept it that they were and are not such beings. And that If I was going to learn anything it would be I who would need to teach them. Not the other way round for they had lost sight of themselves and the love within them. I could never understand how an grown being could hurt a child. How a grown being could rape a child, how a grown being could subject a child to such cruelty as to put that child in an anguished internal flux of pain and suffering and misunderstanding and confusion. I could not understand how an elder who talked of God and Angels and right and wrong, of respect and place could over step all these within themselves and towards all those around them too. What did this mean? who were these elders because they were not the ones I knew. they were not the ones I had been with and also why was I here with them because they don’t seem to like me? It took me may years to learn the truth of things because for me, my knowing that there was good and innocence in all kept being tested to the edge of my acceptance. To the edge of what I dared to accept. If I am a pure soul who knows of only love and that love is the key to the universe and that there is no other force in the world stronger. Then they cannot be bad and they must be good, Right? If though my own abuses and witnessing of abuse I remained within my centre knowing that we must not harm each other. then surly they will see this too? I knew then that I wanted to help them to see that love and healing was the only truth. I remember one day in my pain and sorrow for the pain and torture I was facing I was crying. I think I was 10. I had been bullied at school for having a facial abnormality in my skin which I many years later found out is called Melanoma. My family were as always cold to me and my constant bulling at school. They would call me albino and kick me, tease me, hit me. I was different. I already had no self confidence because of the abuse at home. I was a walking target for other abused kids. This was very common in my time. While I sat on my bed I was crying but not out of sorry or out of self pity. I remember crying at the knowledge I held within me and what I knew and could see when I closed my eyes. I was aware of a light that was very much alive and more alive and powerful than anything in existence. I knew that I was a beacon of this light and that I was here to shine this light so intensely that it would heal many. I was acutely aware that I am love. I am the embodiment of Gods love and it doesn’t flow though me I was this love. that it resonated from my heart but all of me was this force of powerful healing love. I cried because I could feel it pulsating within me. I could see it when I closed my eyes. I remember thinking that I love God but I did not understand who Jesus was and why people called him the one true god. I could not understand how people could say that he was the all merciful saviour and all forgiving and yet he was the punisher who sent people to hell. What was this hell? what did hell mean? Was it a place? Why would God say he loves you and then send you there? To me this was a reflection of my parents as they too did the same. Who could I trust, who could I talk to because it was clear to me that in talking to anyone, you were punished. I was told that I was loved and yet I was constantly picked on and abused out of the 5 children. I was the only one. I was constantly told that I was not wanted and that there was something wrong with me. This to me was like this God, this Jesus who said he loved his children but send them to hell. To me I could not understand the limitation of love. I could not understand why there was a condition and what seemed to me to be a feeling of - If I feel like It I will love you and if I don’t then you are no good to me. So as a child I tried my hardest to keep out of the way . This wasn’t always easy when you were the subject of blame and all manner of things made up. I remember lying in my bed and listening to my mum talk to my step father about the events of the children for the day. I remember this would always terrify me because she would make stuff up. Fabricate the extremity of things only I had done in order that I got a good “handling ” the next day. And these “handlings” were in the name of God. They would involve anything from being taken by the arm and yanked like a rag doll from the room to the shower in the flat. With all my clothes on and thrown into the ice cold shower where I was to repent for the actions of my disgusting child ways. I remember I was 6 as my tiny sister was not long born. I feared showers insanely until I did my best to over come them at the age of 15. Still to this day I prefer a bath. After this shower incident I was made to stand on one leg and recount why I was being punished and explain why it was necessary to punish me so. Then I would also have to write out the lords prier or the Hale Mary 50 to 100 times. I remember thinking…. why can I not be loved like my sister. Why am I recounting this to you? because I believe that it is important for us to stand in front of the pain of the past. All to often in life we get confused. Life has so much going on and is very demanding in all the directions that it pulls us in. We can make life very difficult for our selves in the affliction’s of the moments we find ourselves in. All to often we don’t just have one thing to manage or deal with but multiple things that become a tornado of mixed up situations and feelings. It is not until we put these things into perspective and order that we are able to correctly deal with them. And by doing so we prevent ourselves from harming those around us. We project 98% of the time onto each other from an inner level and we are for the most part unconscious from when or where these projections came. They are not you they are the wounded you defending yourself and reacting in an attempt to deny the situation unto your inner self and feelings our of fear.
The door way to your soul
Time is as always running away with itself and as always, I constantly feel as if I should be doing more with my time. Perhaps it is not so much the doing that I fixate on but rather the sense that I should be productively adding value to life. What that in actuality is I am yet to discover for myself.
I have a library of information in my mind and yet it is all a maize and I do not know from where to start or how to articulate it to you. Where does one begin? Where would be a good place to start?
There are so many facets to life and unimaginable truths and untruths that I could talk about but again where do I starts. This is something that has plagued me for some time and yet I still do not have the answers. Also, I must warn you I am very easily distracted. I cannot hold my attention for very long. In fact the only time that I can actually hold my attention and get lost in my practice is when I am painting. I do of course wish to start somewhere. I feel that it is important and must be done.
I see more and more everyday people claiming that they are spiritual. But I have to wonder what this now so loosely word actually means to you. What do you constitute as being spiritual? Its like a few years ago I noticed many people loosely using the term “good karma” in a context which had nothing to do with the actual meaning of karma. What they were really trying to portray was Zen or Feng Shui. I have to say that I personally don’t like to label myself as anything for to do that is to limit the self. If you give yourself a name or a label, then you can only be a sum of that thing or name. But you are not nor can you ever be the sum of one thing or name. For as a being of infinite light you have no beginning and you have no end. You simply are infinite.
I watch daily the interactions of people with both themselves and each other and I wonder to myself. If you dared to look inside, really look inside. Do you know what you will discover? The simple but harsh truth is that most are not willing to look inside for fear of what they may discover not only because it will be a painful revelation but because it would require one to surrender ones ego and submit in humility to the darker shadows of the inner mind and the shadow self. To the places buried and forgotten. The places we dare not look for there we will find the real monsters, the real gate keepers to our happiness and growth. The wardens of the diamond in the wrath - You.
It is not for the faint hearted and many have lost themselves in the search for themselves for to go where no man has gone is to travel alone. Although you are never truly alone, not ever. But in this quest, you must be willing to leave behind your masked self and come face to face with your inner child.
No one person who have ever discovered the true self has done so by having been born into the perfect family with the perfect life and the perfect setting. Inner growth is not given to the lucky. It is earned through for some, the most atrocious and harsh of life experiences. For many who awaken this harsh unfolding of life mixed with awakening is relentless in its pursuit to unmask the masked man. But in tyranny, anguish, loss, pain and bitter hardship we are ripped open and laid bare. That the light of the higher being that is within us may come forward and brig forth a new man unto the world we live today.
Lessons learned in 2018
2018 has certainly been a year of learning for me. No different to any other year, we learn every single day. But what do we notice?
2018 was indeed a year of great pain and letting go and also some very tough decisions I feel I had to make for me. And make them I did even if they caused me some deep pain and suffering.
One of the greatest lessons I learned last year was that we are 100% responsible for EVERYTHING in our lives. We cannot blame circumstances for the decisions that we made that brought us to where we are if where we are is not where we want to be. It is so easy to place blame, it is so easy to feel sorry for our self and say. “well he hurt me, how dare he. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for him” I know this because I said this. And I have said something similar to this many times in my life.
There is a fundamental difference between the decision you make for your self out of free will, within the boundaries and possibilities of what is presented to you. Then attaching your decision to an experience that you had and then blaming your situation on that experience. I think you have to examine your decisions honestly without blaming your self or others. You have to ask yourself, what do I want for me? What is important to me? Where do I visualise myself, how do I visualise myself as being happy?
A lot of us are addicted to our patterns. We are addicted to the lies we tell ourselves so that we don’t have to face the truth – yourself. Do you constantly seek approval from every facet/person of your life, do you constantly pull your self down, criticise others, look for stimulation in any capacity, tell yourself your not good enough or that - that is not for you because you don’t feel you deserve it? Do you constantly live in a state of fear always worried something bad could happen? Do you constantly live inside your mind and thus in your emotional state? This is endless suffering that is created by you.
Most of us are not able to see that we asked for the lesson and therefore we do not see the lesson because we are so focused on defending ourselves and our ego against the experience.
I have come to understand that I have been just as this and as such I have limited myself and the life I could have if I had the self-discipline to focus, concentrate, separate and also love myself enough to be disciplined enough to work for what I want. Rather than have the mind concept that “ I had a bad experience there for I can and that is why I did” or the best one – “I had no choice” No this is not the right attitude, this is self-sabotage through self-pity. This is not self-love. It is fear and egoic constructed manipulation to justify ones actions. This does not in any way mean that we do not make the space within to come to terms with the experience that we had. But we do not attach ourselves to that experience and allow it to control us through self-pity and irrational self-programmed behaviour. A reaction rather than an action towards healing and resolution.
I believe that we are able to come through something and still have the ability and discipline within to take a step back, allow oneself to feel the hurt and pain, and the chaos that it may have brought into your life without also ading to the pain by making decisions based on the pain rather than separating your self from it and making a decision based on love.
Love to all, please share your stories too. I would love to hear them.
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What I am I am not.
I have come to know that our life is not our own. In the recent events of my life I have come to know that I - do not know. That I do not have the answers and the ones that I thought I trusted and knew. I actually don’t understand and nor do I actually know.
We are told so many things and there are so many out there teaching us. Trying to guide us towards a better life, a pure life, self-awareness and enlightenment. But it is their truth and their life, their lessons to which they through them selves have come to know within themselves. This is a followed truth and not your own truth. This is another source outside of you. This is more searching and more doing, it is more looking outside of you for the answers. Read this book, watch this video, join this group, follow this teacher or guru. Fundamentally this is still all just a following through a process of constructive distractive doing. (This in no way implies anyone is wrong or that they are the absolute law in truth in what they say or do) We must always question and seek within.
I am learning that I do not know, that I cannot know and I have come to a point within me at which I can say, ‘I don’t know’ I have come to a place of surrender from within. I have realised that I am in fact not of my own, that my life is not my own. I have come to realise more than at any point in my life that I have an ego construct that I myself have created as something that must exist and survive in order to become. To become something, to be something, to achieve something and to acquire something. But, if I am not then what am I trying to acquire, if my life is not my own and I am not then what is it I am trying to construct. I have come to the realisation that to become is a selfish and endless journey away from oneself. To try to shape the ego in order to become something, or to try to become something to please the ego is a shapeless dance of self-duality.
I have come to feel and sense that I have chosen a different life in this physical life journey, and that the life that I have relentlessly tried to make into what I wish it to be for me, is not my own. I have come to realise that surrender is the only way to walk the path. I have come to understand faith. Faith is letting go and completely surrendering the full totality of the self and yet understanding that All in its chaos is exactly as it is meant to be.
I know now that I don’t know who I am, and that I am not singular and separate but connected to all. I know now that I am not one thing or one being. In accepting that I am not a singular I realise that I am everything and through that I am connected to everything because I am that which is all. I have come to call it - pint 0.
In letting go and in full surrender you become what you have always been. You become connected to all in the collective and expansive ever existing growing and loving Christ consciousness. You finally understand what is when we say - I Am.
‘I Am that I Am, for ALL that I AM I AM and this I know I AM’. A mantra I came up with years ago and finally understand.
I can now see that this life I have chosen to undertake in this embodiment, is not the one that I had with my mind constructed and fought to bring into existence through my old way of thinking. I now realise that my life is not mine, and that I cannot construct it within the mind of which I had because that construct does not fit within the divine plan that is to be allowed by letting go and having faith. Resistance to the divine will is the difficult pain that you feel as you are faced with breaking your layered mirrors and constructs of the egoic self in its quest to survive. I finally see that it is not my will but thy higher will be done and I am a part of that will. I am not my own but part of the plan.
In letting go completely you are not giving up, you are not throwing in the towel. You are in fact empowering yourself as you finally become all things as you re-connect with out limitation of the mind and the ego construct to all that is. And In so doing you become all and all becomes possible.
My realisation comes to me at a time where I have become tired of myself and my own constant chasing. I have become tired of my own fear and mind constantly trying to hold on and to be something and create something. Constantly deciding for me that it is right and that it knows better, that it knows what to do and that to do as it says will be my salvation. In all this doing and constant searching and constant trying to be. I have come to know that it is just more construction. More ego disguised as trying to live a better life all the while creating more mirrored walls in the maize, I have formulated around myself, who quietly sits in the centre.
When we let go completely, we realise that we are not just a meat sack walking the earth, neither are we just this person, this colour, this man or woman with the self-imposed expectations of what this is meant to symbolise or be based on external conditioning. How we should live, look, what we should have and what we think we need to be happy. We realise that what we are IS wrapped up in layers upon layers of identities that don’t exist.
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#Finding the Self
I think it is safe to say that we all feel that the world is changing at a fast rate and that what was can no longer endure. All of us weather we are ‘awake’ or not can feel a force that is taking shape and that there is something not right with the world as we know her today. In fact, she has not been right for a very long time.
Collectively this is affecting all of us in one way or another. I have become increasingly aware that there is a great deal of spiritual leaders coming forth to teach and a great abundance of information being brought forward should you care to look. I have also picked up on the magnitude of misleading information and other streams of occultism and religion-based theories disguised as ‘a spiritual awakening’.
We are all consciously searching or unconsciously searching for something. In essence we are all looking for a connection to something, or to be connected to something. As human beings we have the programmed self-belief that we are alone and disconnected to everything and everyone. (you are you and I am me) (she is that, he is that, they are there and I am here) We also want someone else to guide us, tell us what we need to do, how to do it and who we auto be and how we should be. We do not want to do the work ourselves for that would require a level of commitment and self-awakening, realisation, activation and sacrifice that would require your heart and become your life’s work.
The journey that you will undertake is not something that can be brought into a literal metaphysical explanation nor can it ever be used as a way to teach someone of the steps to the self. (a reflective guide at most) I say this because each and every one of us have a very unique path that has been crafted specifically for each of us who have chosen to come home. By home I do not mean earth, but to reconnect to the collective consciousness that is Christ consciousness to which all things are connected. All paths how ever long and winding return to the same garden.
When stepping into your journey or where ever you may be within your journey, never stop asking questions and never stop searching within for the answers. You will feel them within you. Not your mind but within your centre. Every experience you will ever have will be yours alone and your journey to source will be your own in its entirety. No two people have the same eyes and no two people will ever have the same journey. The recipe for your journey has so many personalised ingredients brought together from this life and the hundreds if not thousands of lifetimes you have had on and off our little green planet. We all have something to pass onto each other weather that is to reflect something to you, so that you may heal a past wound or if only to plant a seed that will grow within you and in time change your life as you know it.
Pay attention to the events that unfold around you, pay attention to your thoughts and feelings and pay attention to the people in your life. Everything in your life is a clue and a reflection to what is going on inside of you and what it is you need to learn or un-learn upon your journey.
Always know that you are perfect and the journey is not something to be attained or won. It is not something to work towards. This is ego, who wants to label what IT IS. IT is not, for it simply - is.
love to all.