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Wondering why this video I shared of a white man with all of his skin showing and his penis prominently protruding in his underwear is not being marked mature... But a Black woman's back fat got marked mature... A Black woman's skin got marked mature the moment I shared it... HMMMMMMM.
i dont think whites understand how being white makes literally everything easier.
it effects everything.
being trans is easier when youre white.
being gay is easier when youre white.
being disabled is easier when youre white.
being a woman is easier when youre white.
being autistic is easier when youre white.
oppression is eased when you are white, as you get extra privileges, and your whiteness is seen as a positive characteristic that in some ways counter-balances your other forms of being a minority. whiteness controls everything.
you are automatically way more innocent in your own oppression as a gay, trans, disabled person because of your whiteness.
Today I went to Trans Pride in London. I wanted to go with just one or two friends because I'm really burnt out from organising atm. But I knew several trans people who wanted to go but had no one to go with, so I ended up organising a (mainly transmasc) group anyway because no one else was going to do it and I didn't want them to miss out. I had an OK time, but 90% of my energy was spent on making sure everyone else was having a good time, which is exactly what I'm burnt out from, so that was frustrating.
On the way there, one of my transmasc friends asked if I was coming climbing tomorrow. I didn't know what they were talking about, so I asked and it turned out that another transmasc mutual friend had organised a climbing session for a small group of us who used to climb together last year. Except they hadn't bothered messaging me about it because apparently they thought I would find out through other people so there was no need to contact me directly. They even explicitly mentioned that I might be coming to others, they just never told me.
This mutual friend is someone who I went really out of my way last year to incorporate into our pre-existing small climbing group. I knew that they were new in town, unemployed and lonely so I made a point of deliberately inviting them to join us and even rearranged the times of our regular climbing sessions to suit them better. They moved away a few months ago, but they've come back for a week and organised this meetup, only without messaging me.
The clincher is that everyone in the small climbing group apart from me is a cis woman or transmasc. This is a group I went out of my way to create to help specific people feel included. And the twist is how easily it lapses into an effectively AFAB-only climbing group just through these little accidents and oversights that I would never dream of doing in reverse. And that me trying to explaining how the fact that it is coincidentally the one transfem who is mysteriously "unintentionally" sidelined, is so easily brushed off by others as an overreaction by me to an accidental oversight.
I am so so tired of being the one person who goes out of my way to give a damn, to care about others' wellbeing, only to never get any of that in return because I am mentally categorised by others as something less than a full person. It is always weird to be in a group of people who, deep down, almost certainly believe that they have a more innate connection to womanhood and misogyny than me, while I'm the one actually doing the feminised labour of caring for them. And that I, like the trope of the overworked mother who is "accidentally" left out of a family activity that her husband and kids are off enjoying, can't complain about it without seeming like a petty harridan.
It is! Taking the labor and value you created and turning around and capitalizing off of it while excluding you even "accidentally" is exploitative transmisogyny.
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there was some dumbass misandry post calling transmasc feminists "attack dogs for trans women" as like a negative thing. if you're an attack dog for trans women i am wrapping you in blankets and feeding you large hamburger. i love you so much handsome feminist attack dogs
There's this category of TTRPG where the seemingly only selling point besides maybe artwork is giving players permission to jerk off to their own moral purity as manifest from buying the TTRPG.
Candela Obscura is the strawman put forward in this post, but it’s a game that actually exists:
[This was partially written by @ashweather, another member of the A.N.I.M. team.]
Let me preface this by saying that I don’t think that the makers of Candela Obscura are morally evil, or that I think less of your moral worth if you’ve played or enjoyed this game. It’s just that, at best, the game has a really obnoxious and cowardly tone and at worst has a lot of shit in it that looks really bad if you think about it for more than 5 seconds.
If you think that tabletop RPGS are art (and we do), then they can be analyzed like art. They can have unfortunate implications or reflect unexamined reactionary politics. This post is going to be taking screenshots from both the quick start guide and the full rulebook to make this point - while the text between the two is broadly similar, the quickstart guide is more overtly finger-wagging and hostile, saying the quiet part out loud.
The thing about Candela Obscura is that it takes place in a fantasy 19th-century England/USA, but it really wants to pretend that it doesn’t. It wants the aesthetics of this setting and almost every trope that comes baked into it, but also wants to act like it’s above all that. It wants to have its cake and denounce it too. It’s so pants-shittingly terrified that it or the players might say or do something “problematic” that it loops back around to being incredibly offensive.
To take just a few examples, the text is absolutely riddled with this kind of sentiment:
(What the fuck do they think an “explorer” is? Also, I think I have some bad news about 19th century doctors.)
Okay. Look. A lot of this is gesturing at principles that are unobjectionable or even useful to keep in mind when writing a setting like this. Yes, it’s ideal to have a non-Eurocentric historical understanding of technology and culture. Yes, refugees are human beings with their own valuable skills and perspectives. Yes, if you uncritically write an expy of Victorian England or late 19th-century New England, you’re gonna end up with a bunch of insane stereotypes (especially Orientalist ones) that you probably shouldn’t just blithely put to the page without thinking about them. And yes, bigotry is a bad thing, obviously.
The problem is twofold: The first is that Candela Obscura feels the need to take a patronizing tone towards its own readers, as though they were incapable of engaging critically with the setting or subject matter on their own terms. The second is that despite all of this finger-wagging, Candela Obscura absolutely does not present a setting with any critical thinking put into its basic construction. (We checked, by the way. None of what we are about to present is supposed to be in-universe propaganda. If it is intended to be, this is not made clear at all in the text itself.)
The game takes place primarily in the city of Newfaire and its surrounding environs - the Fairelands. The Fairelands are prosperous and idyllic, and all but outright stated to be “the good guys.” All of the “problematic” aspects of the societies the game is emulating are either scrubbed without thinking about the implications of scrubbing them..
(Don’t worry guys there’s no colonialism here, this version of fantastical New York was settled on a Terra Nullius where nobody lived, right over the ruins of an ancient society with a mix of Egyptian and Mesoamerican coding who practiced strange and corruptive magicks. Remember, reader, this game wants you to go out of your way to avoid reproducing any harmful stereotypes from the era.)
..or are present without any historical or structural reasons for them to be present:
(Don’t worry guys, sex work is lawful, profitable, safe, and socially acceptable! Oh yeah all the sex work happens in shady, spooky-looking crime districts that cops monitor, filled with drug-filled dens of illegal vice, though. By the way, there is no brothel listed in this district’s points of interests, or any further discussion of what sex work in Newfaire is actually like.)
There are so many examples of this that we could spill a novel’s worth of digital ink talking about it. (We just don’t have time to get into, for instance, their adventure inspired by the “radium girls” where the primary victim of the dangerous substance in question is a customer who is already dead when the adventure starts and not the workers who make the products.) Honestly though, this paragraph says more than we could in a hundred pages:
Here we find out that we are reading a TTRPG setting that has the same understanding of bigotry as the movie Crash. No institutionalized bigotry, just “bad actors who hold terrible beliefs.” Just bad apples, with no personal history or cultural roots to their ideas, who presumably sprung out of the ground one day declaring themselves Republicans. Not only do these bad actors come from nowhere, they don’t go anywhere either. They don’t belong to any social movements, they don’t get organized, they don’t push for regressive political changes, and if they ever do, they certainly never succeed at those goals.
You see, despite these bad apples, the soil they grew from is pure. And you know something else about the idyllic, almost utopian Fairelands? They’re under assault.
That’s right! Hale (which the Fairelands is a part of) is under assault from the dastardly, corruptive forces of… uh, “Otherwhere.” (Yeah, do they all have hooked noses and recessed chins too?) That’s where all of the dirty foreigners invaders come from, who want to take away the prosperity of the Fairelands!
Oh, or maybe their whole culture were all coerced into doing it by an evil rock or something, which is definitely less xenophobic. But whatever, who cares what the reasons were. The Fairelands are under attack, and as the dominant power in the world, they need to defend themselves. Against the “colonists.” With nukes chain lightning.
(That last sentence continues on “tens of thousands..” You get the picture.) So, whew, glad that’s over! Otherwhere is still really dangerous, though. They might even be developing weapons of mass destruction of their own:
You know, if Candela Obscura were a person, I have a feeling I wouldn’t want to hear its thoughts on Israel.
You might be asking, where do the PCs fit in this? Well. The PCs are members of the in-universe organization Candela Obscura. They are an enormously powerful and widespread secret society of sometimes-cops sometimes-vigilantes who fight against the corruptive forces of magick to keep humanity safe. They keep dark secrets, “perform questionable acts in the name of the common good,” and operate entirely without oversight or responsibilities to anyone other than this organization. We are assured that this organization has the best interests of the regions they operate in and of all humanity in mind.
It’s actually fine - cool, even! - that PCs are secret police/CIA agents who engage in morally dubious acts for the purported common good. Newfaire’s society being deeply flawed is fine! The Fairelands as a political entity furthering an explicit narrative of being persecuted is fine! The problem is not that any of these elements exist, the problem is that Candela Obscura is utterly allergic to examining them. The text seemingly does not understand the setting it has presented at all.
The game wants to be anti-conservative, but the only kind of story it can produce is one of heroes who are ultimately aligned with the dominant power of the world, preserving the good and righteous status quo by fighting against corruptive, foreign, magical forces. “Gay transgender women of all races can be holy knights secret police fighting to protect the good kingdom democracy from the endless hordes of the evil dark race that has threatened its borders for a thousand in recent years!”
On a first read a while back, I said Candela Obscura’s gameplay mechanics make it sound like a game more meant to create “actual-play” shows than to be actually played. On examining the text more closely, that’s more true than I even realized at the time. The reason the game has all these bits about how not to be problematic - all of these instructions for avoiding engaging with the more controversial aspects of the setting - is because it’s not really intended as a game to be played in a private environment. It’s intended as brand guidelines for putting on an actual play show. If you google Candela Obscura, the IMBD page for the actual play series appears before the store page for the rulebook.
It seems like the game really doesn’t want you to play a character outside of your own culture. And sure, as stated earlier, it is a good idea not to have a mysticized idea of other cultures, or represent them in a callous way. For a private game played at home, though, this is not really something you need to dedicate pages accounting for. Nobody outside the table has to hear a poorly-done accent or contend with a less-than-perfectly researched religious portrayal - and if there is a pervasive issue with someone being bigoted or leaning on stereotypes at the table, frankly, that is a problem that is outside the scope of a TTRPG to address.
However, if you are an actor on a show, portraying people from different cultures comes with a whole different set of (much more justified) baggage. Candela Obscura’s approach to player attitudes on the setting makes so much more sense as brand guidelines than it does as a codification of how to play a game. "Don’t have actors appear in insensitive costumes on camera." "Don’t have actors say foreign words they don’t know how to pronounce on camera." "Remember not to have your white actor do a Romani 'fortune-telling' scene on camera." "Don’t show anything that could negatively affect the perception of the brand."
We’d like to end this by contrasting this attitude with Coyote & Crow, a game made by indigenous Americans, and one that is also actually meant to be played. Coyote & Crow invites all players to (respectfully, in good faith) create characters from indigenous cultures. The creators have challenged those who avoid their game on the basis that “they don’t want to be disrespectful by playing it” because that would involve portraying a Native character - in the end, who is that helping? That attitude results in potential players who remain just as ignorant of Native American cultures and - more importantly - don’t buy or support their game!
I wish age gap discourse hadn't spiraled the way it has because I want there to be a safe space to say "Men in their 40s who date 25 year olds aren't predators, they're just fucking losers"
"College grad" is not a developmental stage, nor is it what I would describe a 25 year old as. I was 4 years out of college at 25. My mother had two children at 25. You can be a fucking congressman at 25.
There's a difference between a man who is immature and buys into misogynistic views of beauty and aging and one who is a predator. Also, many actual predators? Not losers and able to move through society pretty freely being seen as cool and the ideal, so conflating the two isn't helpful.
This is going to be my final response to any attempt at discourse. You're welcome to continue amongst yourselves.
also sometimes a 40 year old and a 25 year old just weirdly find each and it's a perfectly normal relationship - like all human relationships are complex and situational, it's so rarely an either/or thing let alone just one thing only
if a 40 year old dude only dates 25 year olds, DiCaprio style or something adjacent to it, then yeah he's a loser
if a 40 year old dude meets a 25 year old through social event or friends or whatever and they happen to hit it off and make a go of it, and this isn't some sort of reoccurring pattern for the guy, that's just a relationship with an age difference
being predatory means something specific, and man I agree w/ OP and really wish people just stopped ascribing it to any and all relationship dynamics they personally might not like
predator and groomer - two words that need to go up on the "can't use till you learn their meaning" shelf
Something I find really stressful is this seemingly endless creep of infantilisation and removal of autonomy from young people. Like, not to be all “in my dayyyy” about it, but… at 16, my friends and I were expected to be broadly responsible for our presence in the world. Most of us had jobs, we navigated public transport, looked after younger siblings. We were expected to make informed decisions about our future careers and our sexual partners. We were allowed to leave education and work full time (this was not necessarily good thing - I think increasing the school leaving age to 18 was broadly for the best). Most of us were smoking, or drinking, or both - again, not good things, but just facts - and many of us were sexually active. Many of the AFAB people I knew were on the pill. Legally, we could live independently, or get married with adult consent.
Legally (I live in the UK) we were not minors, although we inhabited an odd legal limbo until we turned 18, and we were certainly not “children”. Intellectually, socially, though, we were considered (young) adults, or at the most “older teenagers.” We were expected to read mostly adult books (rather than middle grade or YA), watch the news/read papers, watch mostly adult television.
And I do think we a bit under-protected, under-supported, and in some cases - neglected and financially exploited - and I’m not necessarily advocating that. But it did make us feel, I think, in charge of our own lives, capable and competent to make decisions.
At 16-17 my parents knew they could leave me alone overnight/for a couple of nights, and I wouldn’t starve or burn the house down. I felt comfortable getting cross country trains on my own, or booking and staying at a hotel (yes, with my boyfriend.)
Then there was this… creeping of sentiments that we were all Too Young to trouble our heads about certain things. A lot of it was good - more stringent licensing laws, raising the school leaving age, raising the minimum smoking age(!) - but some of the broader cultural stuff was… a bit patronising? Eg, the introduction of “New Adult” as a category of books aimed at 18-25 year olds, the way cartoons and books written for the 9-12 age group were being marketed as for the 12-15 age group, referring to late teens as “children,” etc etc.
Then, in 2008, there was the big financial crash and suddenly my generation were (broadly) robbed of all the usual markers of adulthood and success, meaning that we got ‘stuck’ in the lifestyles and modes our late teens/early 20s. And suddenly, all the emphasis shifted from social and legal protections for late teens/ younger adults, to legal restrictions on their freedoms/rights, and strange philosophical protections on the emotional states.
So, OF COURSE a 23 year old can’t buy a beer without carrying an ID card, and a 17 year old can’t have a crush on a 16 year old, but also, because you’re *children* you don’t need to live like adults. So the UK government got to save money by saying “18 isn’t a proper adult,” then “20 isn’t a proper adult,” and “25 isn’t a proper adult” because it meant they could refuse to give single occupancy housing benefit rates to people of those ages (I think they’ve raised it over 30 now.) Or by refusing to clamp down on exploitative temporary/zero hours contracts - because they’re just “temp jobs for young people!”, or by raising the retirement age because “60 is far too young to retire. You’re not a real adult until 35.”
And it means the discursive environment is such that you can claim that a 21 year old trans person is too young to make their own medical decisions, or a 15 year old is too young to consent to the contraceptive pill.
Meanwhile, they are not offering additional *protections* to these newly infantilised adults. 18 year olds are still encouraged to saddle themselves with enormous educational debt, or allowed to have credit cards, or expected to pay rent, or no longer receive child benefits. You still have to *work*. In fact, in the States, they’re looking to removed child employment restrictions - but that’s fine, because 20 year olds are being protected from making their own medical decisions, and adults get to say which books their teen kids are reading in school, and kids aren’t allowed to change their name or what they wear without parental consent.
We can see what these people are doing to the rights of children - so why are we being so complacent in expanding the definition of ‘child’?
Regardless - 25 is VERY CLEARLY an adult. At 25 I was married, had two kids, an overdraft, rent to pay, and experience of living in the world for 6 years. I had more in common with someone of 40 than I did with someone of 15. Hell, at*20* I had more in common with someone of 40 than someone of 15. Any sexual or relationship decisions you make at 25 are your own to make.
Of course there are likely to be power imbalances in a 15 year age gap - which is why most 25 year olds don’t date 40somethings - but not actually necessarily. And yeah, a 40 year old who only dates 20somethings is a skeeze - just like a 30 year old who routinely ingratiates themselves with rich 80 year olds is a skeeze.
But if any young people are reading this (doubt it)… your rights are much, much more important than your protections.
Yes, young people should be protected, but if someone claims they’re protecting you while denying you access to personal autonomy, financial stability, intellectual curiosity, or sexual self-determination because you’re “too young” to need, or understand those things… be very suspicious of their motives.
And if you’re legally an adult, ask yourself why you don’t feel comfortable defining yourself in those terms.
These pescatarian birds are directly exposed to PFAS contamination due to the island's position near the St. Lawrence Seaway.
Over fifty years of data show a peak in PFAS (also known as "forever chemicals") content in seabird eggs in the 90s, followed by a decrease as regulations went into effect. The most recent findings show a 70% decrease of most common PFAS.
While continued vigilance a regulation is needed, this data indicates that regulations are working to reduce PFAS concentrations in marine ecosystems.
Yes!!!! I did a review of literature on PFASs in human drinking water about half a year ago, and there is a lot of really good progress! Please celebrate this, please don't let this solution be forgotten (at least so quickly) as the ozone layer or acid rain.
We are making genuine progress! Producers are dramatically altering how much they use PFAS and how much gets released in effluent, but also there's a lot better understanding of how to remove PFAS from the environment!
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telecom service providers in india are getting orders from government to shutdown our internet. they might also mass delete the posts and videos online. i know this is not the content you followed me for but please raise voice for the people in india if you can. if you find any posts about the brutality that the police inflicted upon protesters, people seeking legal or medical attention, people needing donation for sanitary pads, food, water, masks, etc. on twitter or instagram, please share it. it's my humble request. this is our last day. they're applying emergency alerts and new rules from tomorrow but today we are standing here in rain raising our voices and we will continue to do so.
...please look up the slang word "nonse" (with an 's'), and consider whether "nonses" might make a bit more sense than "nonces" in the context of a list whose other items are "hardened gamblers", "addicts", and "sociopaths".
y'know, "hardened gamblers, addicts, sociopaths, fools" at a race, rather than "hardened gamblers, addicts, sociopaths, pedophiles".
According to a friend he might have said "nancies". Which would be better, but would also be the literal transmisogynistic slur that nonce comes from. So not great actually!
hi, i was the one who sourced the video in question, it's the teensyville video off no rolls barred; this was a callback bit from earlier in the video, where they had been specifically speaking about lewis carroll, using the term 'nonce'. there is no misunderstanding here; sam reich did, in fact, say that it is quite ironic for a man in heavy makeup to jest about nonces. it is unbelievable for so many people to try to bend over backwards to make excuses for such blatant transmisogyny
it's also particularly upsetting when put into further context!!!! the blood on the clocktower community (which is the game being played in the video) has been heavily praised by transfems in the community for the number of transfems who are prominent players. off the top of my head i can name at least 10 transfems on the botc channel's rotating cast, a far higher percentage than its tme trans roster (and i believe equivalent or close to their cisfem roster, but i don't have an exact count bc they don't keep a documented roster for their streams) not to mention other major channels in the space that feature several very notable transfems. ime its regularly noted how safe of a community has been fostered for transfem viewers and players.
i must, obligitarily, note: a higher amount of transfem cast members (or the presence of them, period) does not necessarily mean a completely safe environment for transfems, either viewers or cast members alike. but at the very least, it demonstrates a marked effort to platform and support trans women as valued community members. an effort which, notably, dropout tv has not bothered to make. nrb in specific, the channel this happened on, is one of the botc community channels striving to make this effort, with one of the key and beloved members in their botc series being mara joy (who is a trans woman, noted not to tokenize her in specific but to highlight her)!!
so, to lay it out more specifically, sam reich made this joke on a platform that is expected to be a safe space for transfem viewers. he was a guest star on a show which has far less social pull than dropout tv, was one of the only white cishet guys in the room, and took advantage of that. i cannot stress this enough: sam reich went to a community that has a general expectation of being a safe place for transfems, as a guest, likely for the purposes of promoting his latest kickstarter, and he used that platform to make a "joke" about transfems being pedophiles.
it was also directed towards a gay man, who, like… well, we all saw the clip, it's my opinion that he looks pretty genuinely uncomfortable for a moment before trying to hide it by playing it up for the camera. tbh i find it disappointing that said joke ended up in the final edit at all! but the fact that sam felt so comfortable dropping that kind of quip given the setting and the current overall climate is so frustrating and gross.
i don't know. i don't fucking know!! it's an uncomfortable joke in a vacuum and worse with context on all fronts.
the princess has to remember this is not a normal amount of knowledge about a site's moderation intricacies for a person to have she has to remember that it's actually normal for a site's userbase at large to not have to know these things
IF the mature content label says "potentially" then it was applied automatically, and every reblog will also have it applied automatically.
If it DOES NOT say "potentially" then then poster labeled it herself and it will not do that
If it DOES NOT say "potentially" and ALSO does not have the "hide" button next to it then it is the special tamamoland exclusive mature content flagging they gave me that put that on all of my posts no matter what separately from the actual content labels
blogs can also be flagged as mature which is a separate thing from content labels AND a separate thing from the special tamamoland mature flagging
you cannot manually add content labels to a post if you did not add content to the post
sexually explict content
NOT the same thing as mature content
tumblr's definition of sexually explicit content is specifically visual depictions of sex acts, genitals, and fluids like cum
this does not include non-visual depictions of anything, nor does it include nudity
importantly, none of that actually matters because who and to what it applies to is entirely arbitrary as you have seen
posts that are flagged as sexually explicit are fully hidden
they can arbitrarily terminate your account for explicit content which is itself arbitrarily applied to posts regardless of content and also does not actually require you to have any posts that are flagged as explicit and also appealing a post that is flagged as explicit can itself get your account terminated
individual reblogs of a post can be flagged as sexually explicit regardless of whether any content was added to the post, which tumblr likes to do to me
terminations
you are supposed to have a chance to correct or explain infractions before being terminated. this will never happen
if the blog name has -deactivated after it then it was done manually by the user. it may not have this if the url was at the character limit
if the blog name does NOT have deactivated then the account was terminated
if the user was TMA there is a good chance that instead of the account being terminated, she will get an extra special type of termination colloquially known as a nuke
posts can also be nuked, which removes all the media from them and deletes the post and all reblogs of it, all of which can be done individually as well. they have the ability to do this to posts instead of nuking accounts. keep that in mind. they can also do each part of the nuke independently, e.g. just hitting certain images on the post, or just deleted all reblogs
an account being nuked has all of its posts nuked. all of its posts are deleted. all reblogs of those posts are deleted. the pfp and header and such are all deleted. all media on any post it made and any reblogs of those posts is deleted. your presence is fully scrubbed from the site
any sort of termination removes all of your replies and prevents further replies on your posts
nuking does not hit posts that are in other people's drafts or queue, which is why you will still occasionally see them. the media on them will be deleted regardless, however. the post button won't always work, you will have to post them from the editor or let the queue reach it automatically
they do not tell you what content was in violation unless a specific post got nuked which gets you a url. they only actually use that option if you are harassing a transfem, though
there are no bans. ban evading is not a thing because there are no bans to be evading
sometimes they don't even bother to send you a termination email
whenever you see nazis and suicide baiting and other shit like that going on for weeks or months, just remember: tumblr staff isn't so swamped with reports that they can't nuke a random transfem within 10 minutes of account creation
appeals
you can appeal your termination if you were terminated somehow for harassing a transfem
pretty much exclusively
they reinstated the fucking kiwi farmer
the zendesk ai treats pretty much every support ticket from a terminated account as an appeal request so good luck getting to talk to a person about it
other bullshit
you can also be what's known as "shadow banned" which quietly disables most of the site's social features, such as messages. and replies. and being able to access your inbox. and showing up in people's notes. there is no indication of this other than its effects
tumblr can through some automated means terminate the accounts of every TMA person specifically that is following a specific user with like 99% accuracy. they've done this twice that i know of
the user guidelines don't actually mean anything because they end with a disclaimer that says that tumblr can arbitrarily choose when and where and how they get enforced and can take disciplinary action against accounts for any or no reason, meaning you can be nuked for literally no reason or be able to do anything you want with little or no repercussions, entirely at staff's whim
remember that time they aired an episode where Chris Grace said "Esk*mo kiss" and, in response to the backlash, they and Grace separately issued statements + edited it out of the episode? still waiting on Reich's statement about this
hint: this time it can't be played off as an honest mistake.
#am i dumb i genuinely don't understand what his comment was supposed to mean#even the... host? seemed confused
#like i genuinely don’t get it #and i am trans woman fyi
#is it really that simple and I'm just like “that can't be it”
it is that simple, yes. a rich, powerful white man essentially said, "funny to be called a pedophile by a man wearing a lot of makeup" and expected everyone to laugh at it.
it's notable that the response was confusion. they knew that what he said was objectionable, they were trying to find a way to avoid that conclusion and couldn't find one. I also had this moment of confusion.
we, all of us, have been taught to dismiss and excuse transmisogyny. we've internalized it, the confusion happens automatically. deliberate effort is required to overcome that impulse to dismiss, and even that relies on us having noticed it happening at all.
he didn't acknowledge it because he knew he didn't have to. everyone in the room let it slide, they aired it uncritically, there is no outrage about it. it's just an awkward joke.
It's kind of killing me that people are so determined to say maybe he didn't mean it, maybe he didn't connect those dots so exactly...
Is that not part of the problem? Is it NOT part of the problem that we can give plausible deniability to this because maybe the person perpetuating the bigotry didn't KNOW he was?
I don't care if he somehow didn't know what he said and his that connects to larger bigotries, several people in this room DID. Even if the dots aren't as easy to connect, there's a balk.
And even ALL that aside, yeah, the joke comes down to "interesting to be called any kind of degenerate by a man in makeup" and it is part of the larger problem of transmisogyny. No matter how you wanna try to water this down, it's still a problem.
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When you manage a fabric store in a midwest town, you see this played out in real time. Young women coming in during that first year of marriage - when their husbands go to dental college - pert, bubbling with creative plans. Then, four years on, you help them shift to the reality of balancing budget with creativity - and they learn the value of that inexpensive flatfold table that they used to badmouth - to make that 2nd & 3rd baby their own quilts. And they're exhausted. And they're scared. And they are 1000 miles away from family.
And you have your staff play with their kids while you hold them in the tiny restroom as they come completely undone because they just found out that their golden boy husband is having an affair with the someone he's been doing residency with for the past three years.
He confessed that he'd rather be with the other woman but she's of a different faith and it's more important to have kids than to be happy. And no. No he will not grant her a divorce. And he will not stop seeing the other woman - because he's a man. It's his right.
TRUE story.
Also - She was NOT THE ONLY ONE to fall to pieces in our store for similar reasons.
I loath the ideology of "tradwives". It is a false doctrine preach by Patriarchy not a divine being.
This is 100% what happened to the host mom I've been au-pairing for. And to many other moms my friends have been au-pairing for.
Married out of college, 4 kids, he spent 15 years building up his career while she took care of the house and the kids. When he was earning $600k a year suddenly he started to pull away - she wasn't as pretty anymore, the kids were loud, the house was a mess... She wasn't good enough anymore. He got himself a flat. He got her me and my precedessors to help with the kids. No, they can't divorce, that would make him pay her money for the kids and he didn't like that. Every once in a while a bill would be unpaid. My weekly checks would bounce. We lived in a $1,5mil house around DC and our gas or water was turned off more than once.
Somehow he was always out of money.
By accident she learned from a friend of a friend that he was actually seeing a young lady lawyer for a few years now. It wasn't her, it wasn't lost interest. He was just a piece of shit.
Thankfully, she had family that took no shit and they stood behind her and borrowed her money for lawyers to force the divorce now that she had proof of him cheating. She's spent tens of thousands to get there while he was resisting every step of the way - because without divorce he wouldn't have to pay her alimony, he could just throw scraps whenever he wanted and still pretend to be a good dad.
She's spent tens of thousands and two years to free herself from this man, and when she could finally go to work (thank fuck she finished college) she was earning $25k a year.
She only managed to get away with the support of her parents and family. Through the au-pair grapevine I've known other families like that. Too many. Lady down the street tried to commit suicide when same happened to her - she was from Taiwan and had no support to get free. And people around scorned her for being "dramatic" - women who held on to their places with their fingertips talked shit about her, because their own husbands would never...! Right?
This? This is the kind of shit that first wave feminists and suffragettes were fighting against. Hell, even into second-wave feminism.
This? Is why conservatives want to take away no-fault divorce--because if some dude says no to a divorce and you don't have any (IRON-TIGHT) evidence of cheating? Then you're stuck in that situation and he doesn't have to pay a drop toward you and your kids. He can go get a flat, fuck his mistress, and you will starve with your kids until you can get some kind of proof of him cheating and a judge who likes you.
Now imagine all of this horror movie shit, AND you can't open a bank account without this piece of shit opening it with you. That was what women dealt with until about the 70s when we were finally allowed to open bank accounts with a man's signature.
That is what conservatives and fundies want to take you back to. When this shit was just the fucking norm.
There are old white guys still alive who remember who damn nice it was when a woman couldn't open a bank account without a man's signature and his dad could go live a double life with a mistress with zero repercussions and oh how they slather and drool for those times. And how they have waxed poetic about these halcyon days to their desperate daddy-issues sons now eager to please and without the social skills or emotional maturity to understand the fucked up nature of it all.
I'm willing to bet there's like 2 or 3 Tradhusbands(tm) out there for every Tradwife you see, they just haven't found someone they can sink their claws into. Which should maybe terrify you. This Tradwife(tm) movement should really be considered a canary in the coal mine.
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