Aria Ulani✨

Day 124 Plans have been thought out. I think I'm ready; ready to put it all to an end. Finally. Hopefully it goes accordingly. There's no turning back. - A.U. Goodnight world.

I’ve been silent because I just want it all to be over now.

Day 54 I have not slept for 3 days straight. I had my first meal in 3 days a couple of hours ago. I am so empty it hurts. Nothing feels the same anymore. Things have changed. For the worse. Is it me who is not lovable? I guess I am the problem. - A.U.

Day 53 Things are so... difficult right now. Nothing terrible has happened. Everything has been okay. But inside of me is nothing but pain. So much pain. I randomly break into tears and sob until I physically can't any longer. I was up til 6am crying and listening to music and asking myself why I was so hurt. I'm just so sore. - A.U.

Day 48 When I used to hear people say "love hurts" I used to think how can something so beautiful possibly hurt? But it does. Oh god it really does. Especially when you are not together. The last few days I've been crying a lot. Purely because of missing him. I had such horrible, physical pains in my chest. I just wanted to rip my heart out. But yesterday I took a quick turn for the better. I looked myself in the mirror and told myself there was no reason to be hurt. Yes, he may be more than 300 miles away. But soon enough we'll be merely inches apart. Yes, I may not get to see him as often as I'd like. But what we have together is so goddamn beautiful, its worth waiting. Its worth the few days of pain. Because at the end, we're going to have all we've ever wanted; each other. And it's going to be magical. And I'm happy. And I can't wait. - A.U. ✨

Day 44 I feel sad. All I can do is cry right now. I look at everything I have in life, and I couldn’t be more thankful. So why is it that I cry each night and feel so empty? - A.U.

Day 41 I'll find peace again... all in good time. I just have to remain patient. - A.U.

Day 40 I don't make anyone happy... :( - A.U.

Day 39 I feel hopeless. Lost again. Empty as ever. My mind has gone numb. My heart has gone slow. I feel slumped & low. I can't trust myself. Yet I can't escape myself. I am my own worst enemy. I am my own biggest threat. I don't know how I got out of this the last time I felt it. I know I'll get out again, but it might come with consequences and regrets... - A.U.

Day 38 My shadow represents how dull I feel inside tonight. - A.U

Music is beautiful. - A.U.✨

I feel empty again. I’m just sitting here staring at my Pacman ghost lamp trying to find something inside me, anything. But nah, not tonight.

Day 34 I have been so bad at keeping up with this lately, but hopefully that's going to change from today. Things have been getting harder for me, with being back at Uni. I went back to Student Support to get their help with getting another GP appointment. On the plus side, I managed to get another dose of my medication which is gooood news! I also decided to volunteer at a few places so I'm waiting to hear back. And I ALSO decided to start playing netball at uni because I used to play it in primary and grammar school! And I have missed it. So I guess I'm slowly getting back on track, trying to get as many distractions as I can! And hopefully I can keep it up! I went to see La La Land at the cinema on Tuesday and it was suuuch a lovely movie. The cinema was so pretty as well; it was very theatrical in the ticket area (which the picture shows). I absolutely adored the archaicness of it. My new semester has started off okay. My classes are fun, especially law which I am absolutely in love with, god knows why. But yah, fingers crossed a day 35 comes up! - A.U.

Day 27 Last few days have been a bit hectic as I went to Bolton to see family. Not really been in the mood to post much either. It was great to get some time with my baby cousins. I enjoyed their company a lot. I got to meet the newest edition to our extended family. He was born 3months early and it was extremely touch and go with whether he was going to survive or not. Thankfully he did. He was in hospital for the first 2 months. He is now developing well, slowly but surely and at 5 months he looks like a little 2 month old baby. I love him to bits and I could talk to him and watch him laugh and trying to talk back all day. He really is such a beam of light. It rekindled my love for children and helped me decide that I want to do a teaching degree after a few years work in my current degree. Hopefully it works out well. I am a lot happier now than the last post although it has most definitely been up and down. I'm getting there 😊 - A.U ✨

Day 22 Today I treated myself to a new ring, some clothes and a cool new lamp (I'll post a pic of it tomorrow). I know it might sound ridiculous, I'm not an overly materialistic person, but when I buy things for myself with money I have earned, I feel good. With everything I live through everyday, the little struggles every morning and night. Why shouldn't I buy myself a few nice things that will make me feel good about myself when I wear/use them? I feel like everyone deserves to treat themselves to small things every now and then. It may just be some people's way of getting a glimpse of happiness. Tomorrow (day 23) night I leave for Manchester to pay a visit to my lovely cousins. They are children aged 7 and 5 and a new baby at just around 3 months old. As I've mentioned in a previous post, I absolutely adore children, especially my own family so I am beyond excited to get to spend a few days with them. It will also be nice to get away from home and have some lovely company for a few days. It might just be what I need for now.

Day 21 I wish I could live a life as a Pokémon Trainer. A life like Ash Ketchum; to get to leave home and travel different regions with the companionship of a few fellow Pokémon to discover newer Pokémon. To meet new people of all different backgrounds. To visit new places with different cultures. To run into Team Rocket every now and then and laugh at their terrible attempts to abduct my Pokémon. I just want to be away from the life I live now, to live a life that could make me feel happiness. A life that could keep me busy and open my mind. I guess in many ways it would be possible had I not had such strict parents. Oh, and also, money. I just want out of this life I live now. The life of guilt for being unwell. The life of having one horrendous night completely destroy myself, my relationships and my future. Just let me leave this world and join the world of the Pokémon Trainer.