Stuff My Nerdy Self Likes

So imagine something like

Peter randomly gets writings on his arms, mostly of random Books. He kinda gets interested em and starts reading some of them.

(Like- in Jason's universe your soulmate's writing shows up on your skin. Jason likes to write the names of the books he wants to pick up on his hand for convenience maybe)

And Jason starts hearing like, freaking Renai circulation or something alike, in the middle of busting a drug deal and almost slips from his spot in the roof-

(In Peter's universe, soulmates hear the song stuck in each other's head. And the kid he babysat just kept playing that damned song and now that's stuck in his head in a loop.)

Both of them had always thought that they didn't have a soulmate. And yeah.

I think it'd be pretty funny if like, Venom and Plastic Man beefed on who could make better clothing and with poor peter just stuck in-between the two.

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Peter made one mistake.

One.

The Justice League needed someone undercover at a gala, Peter was broke as hell, running on three hours of sleep, so when Venom puffed up proudly with a booming

WE CAN DO FORMAL.

Peter had said, “...Sure.”

Big mistake.

Because Venom immediately flowed over him into an insanely sharp black suit. Tailored fit. And Honestly? It was nice

Unfortunately tho, Plastic Man was standing right there

He looked Peter up and down, narrowed his eyes, and went, “Oh, so that’s what we’re doing.”

Then shifted into the most offensively chic white suit Peter had ever seen.

And thus began the world’s pettiest fashion war between two shapeshifters with the emotional maturity of middle schoolers.

This continued well beyond the mission.

Every gala. Every briefing. Every patrol.

They kept trying to outdo each other at every possible opportunity.

And Peter? Peter was just the unwilling mannequin caught in the middle.

Which is how Peter eventually found himself in the middle of an active alien invasion, standing on a battlefield while Venom kept changing Peter’s suit to one-up Plastic Man, who was aggressively color-swapping his own, turning the whole thing into some deeply cursed version of the Aurora dress scene from sleeping beauty

Now Scarecrow attacks, and Peter gets hit with fear toxin properly for the first time. Maybe it is because he has dealt with Mysterio before, or his metabolism, or his spider sense, or maybe a combination of all of them, but the toxin does not work on him like it does on others.

The Bats are low-key panicking. This is Spider-Man. Containing him if he goes feral is going to be hard. Protecting others from him while also protecting Peter from himself seems almost impossible. They tense.

But somehow Peter is in control. They defeat Scarecrow and secure him, but everyone is on edge because Peter is different. He is extremely quiet. Every movement seems calculated.

After the battle, he gets onto the roof of a nearby building and sits there, still as a gargoyle. It is so jarring to see Peter like this.

Jason is the first to move.

Some follow at a distance. Others stay on comms, ready in case things go south.

When Jason gets close enough, it is obvious.

Peter is looking at something. Or someone. He is straining, like he is forcefully keeping every muscle in his body under control.

“Peter?” Jason calls, careful. “Hey. It’s not real.”

“I know.”

His voice is steady. Grounded.

But he does not look away.

“Peter.”

“I know,” he repeats, softer this time. “They would… they would never blame me for any of it. They would never be this mean.”

There is a hollow sort of humor in the small laugh that follows.

“It’s just… I haven’t seen them in a while, you know?” he adds quietly. “There is nothing of them here. Not even a grave. I…”

He cuts himself off, a sharp, involuntary shudder running through him.

Then, much more softly,

“Just give me a minute. I just… want to look.”

Jason feels something in his chest crack open.

Behind him, someone inhales sharply. Dick, Tim, it does not matter. They all feel it.

Que peter busting out w his (forgettable but canon) enhanced speed (think it tops out at like 250-300???) And fucjing. FLOORS it

But he can't, like, stop properly and he just. Slams into either a wall OR a super or smth

OR OR he is able to stop, but it literally melts his shoes and rips up his feet horrendously

Tims like "wtf peter!?! You didnt say you had super speed!?"

And peter, with his feet actively bleeding and smelling like burnt rubber from the friction of stopping, first priority is correcting tim

"Well, super speed is a bit of a stretch. Enhanced is more accurate because, like, the flash way is faster than me, yknow?"

Duke stares. "You... are aware hes literally the exception?"

Jason: Its because Dick was the golden boy and now Bruce is vainly searching for someone he loves as much as him.

Tim: Maybe he was just using that decade as a trial run to see how a side kick adjusted to becoming a fully fledged vigilante? And once Dick proved the concept he went all in?

Dick, punching the shit outta two face: oh shit B, I never told you I like boys. And girls

Two face: wtf

Batman: Harvey are you.....homophobic?

Two face: WHAT!? No dude, but why did that pop into Robin's head while he was beating the shit outta me???

Dick: shrugs

Batman: Whatever, Robin I support you unconditionally

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Jason, having just revealed that he is back from the dead, and is , in fact, red hood

Jason: Also I'm gay

Dick: wow. Shocker.

Jason: shut up you fag

Batman: Hood, don't call Nightwing that slur.

Jason: who tf do you think U are?? My dad??

Batman: I'm just glad ur back and I support you.

Jason: hell no old man- (his back from the dead rant/speech continues)

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Tim, seconds after crashing the bat mobile

Tim: I'm bi.

Batman: I support you, but what does this have to do with you crashing the bat mobile?

Tim: if you punish me your homophobic.

Dick: dam he got you there B

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Damian, turning to Bruce while they're patrolling on rooftops

Damian: Father, I like boys and I'm dating Jon Kent

Batman: Alright I suppo- JON KENT!?!?

Damian: yes.

Batman: I-ive let you have sleepovers with your BOYFRIEND????? OH UR SO GROUNDED

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Cass, hanging upside down as batgirl

Cass: I like girls

Batman: I support you

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Steph, yelling from the other side of an alley

Steph: B! IM BI

Batman: Cool.

Steph: Really? That's it?

------

Peter: Actually, my body can move without me.

Jason: ...Excuse me?

Peter: Yeah. My soul doesn't need to be in my body for it to keep moving.

Tim: Okay, no. Nuh uh. What does that sentence mean???

Peter: Which part?

Jason: THE PART WHERE YOU APPARENTLY DIE AND KEEP WALKING AROUND???

Peter: Oh my God, dramatic much? I don't die. I just got shoved out of my body—

Dick: What?

Peter: —but the other kept it running.

Silence.

Jason: The... other?

Tim: There is another... guy?

Peter: Well, actually, it might be a female? But no, more like... a presence.

Jason: There is a PRESENCE inside you.

Peter: Yeah! The Spider!

Bruce slowly lowers the newspaper he has absolutely not been listening behind.

Bruce: The Spider.

Peter: Mhm. I mean, there’s a reason I went with Spider-Man, you know? Unlike some people who are just straight-up furries. *side-eyes Bruce*

Steph makes a strangled choking noise trying not to laugh.

Jason: Peter. Define “The Spider.”

Peter: You know. The instinct. My conscious subconscious. The thing that pilots my body when I’m not home.

Dick: When you are not— *deep breath* Peter, has this “Spider” ever controlled your body without permission?

Peter: No? Technically, it only comes out when I can’t give permission? *laughs*

Everyone stares at him.

Peter: Okay, wow. Tough crowd. *checks his phone* Oh crap, gotta go.

Jason: Nope. You can’t just waltz out of this conversation.

Peter: Jeez. Why is this such a big deal?? You literally came back from the dead. *points to Dick* He has a prophecy about him. *points to Tim* And that one is missing a spleen!

Bruce, Dick, Jason, and Steph: *turn to Tim simultaneously* You are missing a spleen?????

Tim: Uhhhh, hey! I told you that in confidence! He is getting away! PETER!

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Inspired by Peter and Jason fucking with the Batfam by telling them Peter was in a cult in the fic Existential Crisis Mode.

Peter: hey, can we run my DNA? Ive always wondered what my spider to human ratio is ever since the bite of '87

Tim, not looking away from the batcomputer: oh, we already ran that

Peter: what?? when???

Tim, finally looking up wiht raised eyebrows: ...uh, when we... took you in...?

Peter: but I don't remember there being any bloodwork done when you guys adopted me?

Tim, staring at Peter evidently amused:

Dick walking in with a smoothie: what's going on, guys?

Peter, shrugging: asking Tim if we can test how much of me is all spidery, but he's saying you guys ran that when I was adopted.

Dick, sharing a look with Tim: Peter...

Peter, looking at him weird: Dick you're such a millennial. ellipses are so out of date

Tim, the hypocrite: facts

Dick, rolling his eyes: anyways, Peter, buddy, you're not adopted