“Every year thousands of artists get involved with Inkoctober, where for 31 days of October you ink a drawing each day. I decided to go off the usual prompt and focus on mental illnesses and disorders” ½

Embroidered Bird Brooches by Paulina Bartnik on Etsy

On Wednesday 25-year-old Fyre Festival founder Billy McFarland – who is being sued for $100M over his catastrophic schadenfreudefest – gathered his long-unpaid employees on a conference call this week to tell them that “After conferring with our counsel and all financial people, unfortunately we are not able to proceed with payroll. We’re not firing anyone, we’re just letting you know that there will be no payroll in the short term.”

But, McFarland added, “I understand that this is not an ideal situation for everybody, and this will likely cause a lot of you to resign, which we totally get and understand. That said, if you want to stick with us, we’d love to have you and we’d love to work together and hunker down and get back to a place where everything resumes to business as usual as usual.”

McFarland’s refusal to actually fire his employees – who, again, he will not pay – means that they are not eligible for unemployment insurance. When employees who had been paid in cash for months asked him if there was even any record of their employment, McFarland promised to email them proof of employment by close of day.

He did not send that email.

“sharks do not attack humans in the way movies constantly portray them. sharks are curious, inquisitive animals and many bites come from sharks who “test bite” humans in order to see what they are/if they’re a threat, but that one initial bite can be fatal. while sharks are not monsters bent on hunting and targeting humans, human who hand feed them and treat them like any other animal causes more human-shark incidents (sharks can become used to humans feeding them and thus bite at a human to find fish). sharks are not blood thirsty maneaters, but they are an extremely powerful animal that deserves respect and should be admired from a distance.”

but hey, what are white girls gonna do except sneak out at night and through the woods to go have sex with their boyfriends?

what could go wrong??

and I do literally mean through the woods. our driveway is a quarter of a mile long through actual wooded area, and she wasn’t smart enough to grab a flashlight. but she could sort of see the headlights of her boyfriend’s car at the very end so it wasn’t so bad going down to be picked up

except when she got dropped off, she had to make the trip back up the driveway, through the dark scary woods, with no light whatsoever, at like 3 am or some other Gonna Get White Girl Murdered time

and she was high as fuuuuuuuuuuck

so she’s creeping her way back up the driveway, trying to move slow or else she’ll fall off the ground and get lost in the sky forever. really fucking high

then she steps on a frog

because we also have a 3 acre “pond” like our property isn’t fucking creepy enough already and my first-time-to-ever-be-high sister stepped on a FROG and apparently it both squished and belched, and keep in mind that with no light whatsoever she doesn’t know what the fuck just happened AT ALL

I wake up to a series of frantic text messages

hlp he lp HEL

dont’ tell momd and dad

i jsut murdered somtheing

also, just for context, this is also the sister that pierced her own ears and gave herself a stick’n’poke tattoo with a lighter and my mom’s sewing needle because she “got restless” and picked a fight with a girl two grades above, half a foot taller, and probably a hundred pounds heavier AND WON

(it doesn’t matter if you’re smol if you get ‘em on the ground and get on top)

anyway

so waking up to an “I just murdered something” text from her was … actually kind of inevitable. siblings are either ride or die or no officer I’ve never seen that person before, and that night, I decided I was ride or die

so then I take MY dumb white girl ass out into the woods in the middle of the night, but at least I’m smart enough to take a flashlight. sister had already texted me she was “onthe driveways” but again, that’s a quarter mile journey

finally I arrive at the scene of the crime

sister: sitting in the gravel, crying, makeup a Mess

frog: laying still beside her, looking like a slightly smaller Jabba the Hut

she points at the frog and sobs that it’s a heart. obviously a frog. a fucking BIG ASS frog, but still. I’m relieved, but also super pissed, because I drug myself out of bed, snuck out too, and dangled my sumptuous human body in front of all the Forest Monsters on my way down here and there isn’t even a fucking body

just a frog, which I pick up to show her is not a heart, and turns out to only be stunned! not dead! still very much alive and full of pee!!

so it pisses all over me and slimes out of my hand, escaping into the night

If someone is trying to build a huge fuckoff concrete thing - say, for instance, a giant wall - they’re going to need an obscene quantity of concrete, and that’s all going to have to be transported there from the nearest mixing plant. This means they’ll have multiple trucks coming by to decant concrete in consecutive pours while the workers place it and vibrate it to ensure it all intermixes and sets properly, forming a monolithic mass. If one pour is allowed to set before the next one is added, you get a big, ugly, possibly structurally unsound gap between the two called a “cold joint.” A bad enough cold joint can completely fuck your whole project because the next engineer or inspector who sets foot on that site is going to take one look at that motherfucker and immediately embark on a quest for blood vengeance. You will literally have to cut that whole section of wall out, slap some dowels in the nearest structurally sound bits, and re-form and pour the offending segment from scratch, which represents a fortune in cost overruns and will make everyone involved very upset. This is an especially bad problem in hot climates, because the concrete curing process is exothermic - that stuff sets much faster when it’s really hot out, and its 28-day compressive strength tends to be poorer as well.

The post is based on a Super Bowl commercial, which itself was based on a Reddit post that’s never been verified as true. 

There is no actual pizza code with toppings and shit that dispatchers are trained in. If you come across someone who has heard of the commercial, they might understand. If you come across someone who’s never heard of it, they might think it’s a prank call and hang up on you.

A piece of actual advice to help you in this situation is to dial 911, then hang up without speaking, then turn the phone off. 911 will attempt to call you back, and when they’re unable to reach you, they’ll dispatch a unit to your location under the assumption that you need help and your call was interrupted. This will work 100% of the time, whereas the pizza trick will only work if the dispatcher has heard of the commercial/urban legend.

PLEASE STOP SPREADING THIS YOU’RE GIVING THIS ACTUAL 911 DISPATCHER A HEART ATTACK!

WE GET HUNDREDS OF BUTT-DIALS AND HANGUP CALLS EVERY DAY!!

If it’s coming from a cell phone WE DON’T EVEN TRY TO CALL YOU BACK!!

If you do this YOU! *bang* WILL! *bang* DIE! *bang

GIVE US AN ADDRESS!!!! GIVE US AN ADDRESS AND A TOWNSHIP OR BOROUGH AND A NEARBY CROSS-STREET OR INTERSECTION! LET’S SEE AN EXAMPLE!

911: 911, where is your emergency?

You: I’m at 123 Main Street in Townville, and the nearest cross-street is Oak Street! *hangs up because axe-murderer is coming after them*

BAM. YOU JUST GOT HELP DISPATCHED. DISPATCHER HAS NO FRICKIN’ CLUE WHAT’S GOING ON BUT YOU GAVE AN ADDRESS AND THAT’S GOOD FOR AT LEAST ONE OFFICER. LET’S SEE ANOTHER EXAMPLE!

911: 911, where is your emergency?

You: *hangs up immediately to run from the axe-murderer and turns off your phone because you listened to some dumbass tumblr post*

DEAD.

YOU ARE DEAD. 

NO HELP IS COMING.

GIVE 911 AN ADDRESS.

WE ARE NOT MAGIC GENIES WHO LOOK INTO OUR CRYSTAL BALLS TO PSYCHICALLY KNOW WHAT YOU REALLY WANT. HALF THE PEOPLE WORKING HERE JUST GOT OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL, AND MOST ARE PLAYING GAMES ON THEIR PHONE IN BETWEEN CALLS. WE’RE BASICALLY JUST HIGHER-CLASS TELEMARKETERS. WE ARE NOT “”””””EXPERTS””””””. WE TYPE IN THE ADDRESS AND THE NATURE OF THE EVENT AND PRESS ENTER. 

PS cell phone tracking isn’t a precise thing in ANY event. If you turn off your CELL PHONE, which isn’t ATTACHED TO A LOCATION, how can anyone be sent to your location? Dispatchers don’t have access to your cell phone data, guys, they can’t find out quickly if at all where you are by ~*~tracing the call~*~. Later on when you’re found dead or when someone files a missing persons thing if police get a warrant for your cell data they’ll be able to find out what tower your 911 call transmitted from but…there’s an obvious flaw in this as a tactic for NOT GETTING HURT.