cryogenic-coyote

you cannot advertise to me in a way that matters

what just happened?

Why the hell did I start laughing half way through this?

O____o what the fuck

sometimes there’s a lot of things wrong with tumblr

u ok internet

this is kind of really fucking terrifying

IS THERE ANY FCUKING WAY TO GET AUDIO CLIPS FROM TUMBLR ON MY PHONE. ACTUALLY. IM BROKE AND I WANT TO FALL ASLEEP TO THIS

I. What. A pickle shifts uneasily.

…I don’t think I’ll be eating any hamburgers for a while.

PLEASE handle this relic with CARE, tumblr users. Wear nitrite gloves and only take it out of its case in a climate controlled environment.

LAST DALLAS MOWER EXPO OF THE DECADE

We’re only a month away from Halloween so I’m gonna start telling these jokes and if someone asks me why I’m going to say that they’re Halloween themed jokes. If they say it’s not close to Halloween yet I’m gonna say that it’s always Halloween

i enter the shower. hours pass. i emerge from the shower, having mixed all of my soaps and scrubs and lotions and conditioners and shampoos and body washes together in the tub in precise alchemical quantities. i smell like 314 different herbs and spices. my hair will not need washing for the next 500 days. my skin has developed protective chitinous scales. i step out of the tub and immediately slip and fall on a stray puddle of mane 'n tail and sprain my pussy

I am a huge fan of retiring to my quarters

In this economy you'll be lucky to retire to your nickels

there are two competing sects on this website - one that uses the word "spicy" to mean "neurodivergent" and one that uses the word "spicy" to mean "sexual content." i do not like either of them

I use spicy to describe food

my food is mentally ill and I’m putting my dick in it

Twilight

unmute for the love of god please it's amazing

to think I would have just swiped past on mute, therefore not hearing pure unadulterated joy

I always love seeing this comic because it interprets Tumblr as a gigantic theater ruled by absolute chaos where sometimes somebody just stands up on their chair and shouts and we all pay attention