Ladylibras

I have this giant hole in my chest a emptiness that's rattle my soul. Having that emptiness feel me up with so much darkness. My darkness isn't evil. It'd sadness loneliness and unforgivness and so much pain. I hear my thoughts telling me to let it go and to not think about it. But that's all I have now is racing thoughts and a empty heart. Living in a place where you feel unloved, there is no trust and no understanding. Living in a place where there is mental abuse and an acceptance of it on a weekly notice. Living in fear of ever bringing people you care about around you because they will give you those judgmental eyes. Eye that I see often when I look in the mirror, Sadness, pain, hurt and simpathy. But then it's the eyes of judgmental and disgusting and fear. Let's just say I hate confusion

Pam sat in the living room with her mother as her sister and her boyfriend fought in the other room. A boyfriend who she bag to stay with us. A boyfriend she just met three months ago. A boy who calls her names. " mom are you going to do anything" said pam with rage. "Nope she's grown" said her mother putting a cigarette to her mouth. Pam smacked her lips and stormed to the bed room. "Hey!!!! Open the door" screamed pam. The door swung open and pam sister walked out with a bloody nose and lip. "Oh My God" said pam. "I got this pam OK it's fine" said her sister closing the door. Pam felt her darkness escape her. She jammed her foot into the door and pushed through. "Pam stop" screamed her sister. But Pam wasn't in control anymore. "So Brandon you like hitting females huh" Screamed pam. She step up real close to his face even tho he was a foot taller than her. "Get the fuck out my face" he said trying to get past her. "Naw .you have the nerves to put your hands on a female and especially in her mama house" "I said get out my face" he yelled. "Naw hit me you little bitch" screamed pam. She pushed him and he grabbed her sending her across the room. He charged at her but her sister jumped in front of him. "Stop Brandon" "Naw fuck that" screamed Brandon. He pushed past her sister and Pam jumped up and clawed at his face. He then grabbed a handful of Pams hair and punched her in the face. Pam felt blood rushing in her mouth. She then felt herself get knock to the ground with hard force. She looked up and her older cousin and her 18 year old younger brother come rushing into the fight. Pam struggle to her feet as the both jumped him. Pam then stood up and saw that Brandon was bald up on the ground. She ran to the mirror and saw her lip was split and her jaw was purple. The rage she felt did not go away. In fact amplified. She turned around and started to kick Brandon as her cousin and brother was doing. She then felt someone grabbed her hair and pulled her to the ground. "Get off of him" screamed her sister. Pam stood up and with all force and punched her sister straight in the nose. She fell backwards and fell out the room and into the kitchen. Pam looked around the kitchen and her mother and her Little sister was just watching. Her mother ran into the dinner room and called 911. Pam ran back into the room trying to brake up the brawl between all three man. Pam grabbed her little brother by the waste and carried him out the room. "I bet you not go hit them again you fucking fagget" screamed her brother. Her cousin walked out and looked at Pam and at her sister. Her sister was holding her nose as blood was pouring down her face. "Mom just called the police we need to leave yall now" yalled pam. pam looked at her little sister and she nodded her head with respect. Pam cousin ran out the house and the little brother followed. Pam looked at her mother and back at her sister who now was trying to wake her boyfriend out of his temporary comma. "Get out Pam now, look what you done" screamed her mother. Pam looked at her mother and just shook her head. Pam still field with rage took a step towards her mother. "This is your fault, you spent all your life in abusive relationship that you turned your own child into a victim" her mother gasped at her and took a step back. "GET OUT MY HOUSE" screamed her mother. Pam grabbed her jacket off the couch and left. Pam walked into the rain as she tried to calm down. Hating everything. Hating the fact her mother sat there as her children get abused. Hating the fact that she had to stop it and hating the fact that she was to blame. Pam was so in rage that she punched a nearby tree. She looked at her hand and her knuckles was bleeding. She then walked to her friends Crystal's house. She pulled out her phone and called her. "Hello" "Yeah I'm down stairs open the door" "OK " Pam pushed her dreaded out of her face. Waiting patiently by the door. She then saw crystal through the door and forced smile that fake smile. Crystal smiled and opened the door and frozen when she saw pams face. "What happened to you" said crisal. She grabbed pams jacket and pulled her inside the house. Pam felt the burning of tears in her eyes. "Nothing happened" whispered pam. She leaned against the wall and closed her eyes. "Bull shit what happens!!!" Yelled crystals. She grabbed pam face between her hands and made her look at her."tell me" Pam just sat there in silence as her rage disappeared and was replaced with full sadness. "What is love" whispered pam in a shaking voice. "What" "I don't know love " said pam as her tears fell down her face. Crystal pulled her into a hug. As the tears filled up her own eyes. "What happened pam please don't block me out please" said crystal through tears. "No one loves me" whispered pam through tears. "I do pam you know that. Please tell me what happened" said crystal. Pam then felt a burning sensation on lower back." I need to use your bathroom" Whispered pam. Crystal looked at her and grabbed her hand. "Come on" whispered crystal. Pam followed her and they both went into the bathroom togather. "Look at your face" said crystal as she softly touch her jaw and her lip. Pam pulled away from her touched and turned her back to the mirror. She slowly raised her shirt up and saw a big bruise on back. "Pam please tell me who did this to you" said crystal pulling her face to her. Pam just shook her head and pulled crystal into a full hug. "Just hug me and don't ask no question ok" said Pam. Crystal then cried for her best friend. A friend who been there for her since they been little, a friend who been treated like a outsider all her life. A friend who don't know love. "Pam I really do love you ok" she pulled away from and kissed her wanting her to feel her love for her was strong.

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Have you ever pretended. pretended that your feelings are real, pretending that you have real emotions, but in reality you have no care in the world. You walk around pretending to care, pretending to laugh at that joke, pretending to understand, pretending to enjoy it, pretending to have fun, pretending to know what you going through, pretending to love, pretending to have hope of one day you want have to pretend anymore. But what will happen when you stop pretending....................

People say the earth breaths, we breath the earth. But day by day we get sick and it goes in the air. We smoke and it goes to the trees. We dump chemical waste and it goes to the waters. The earth is sick now. It's holding back, it's holding back a couch so huge that it will clean it's self from its sickness. just like we do. and think......what's making it sick. Just like a germ. We can only kill 99.9 of it. When the earth coughs it's mighty caugh we will be gone and only the 99.9 will survive. And the new story of Adam and eve will be born.

The hate I feel for my family is effecting my actions. I use to know how to Control it but now it have spread. I can't cover it up no more. It's to strong. I can't cry it away it's to mad. I need to do something quick before it turns me into a monster.

My cat ran away last night. I'm terribly sad.

I'm sorry my mind isn't like yours I'm sorry I don't think like you I'm sorry that I make you feel weird I'm sorry that I make you look at me the way you do I'm sorry I might feel gloomy to you I'm sorry for being sorry I'm sorry that I'm not like you I'm sorry that I can't socialize with others the way you can I'm sorry that I don't smile as much as you do I'm sorry that I'm not normal but if you accept me as iam please promise me we will be friends forever

Ever been so bored it depresses you

I walked into the rain not caring about Nothing or anything. I walked silently as the rain grow louder and harder. thunder crackled loud above me. I then stopped at the cross light at the corner. I stared at the light as it turned red, green, yellow, to red again. The streets was empty not a car in site. It was only me the rain and the street light. “Hey” said a vary soft voice. I looked behind me and it was a girl. No older than sixteen. Holding a blue umbrella. She had long black hair and gorgeous brown eyes like her skin. “You ok you been standing here for a minute now, are you ok” I smiled and nodded. “Do you live around here” she asked. I looked at her again and nodded.“ You waiting for someone” she asked. “ I nodded once more. ” oh ok “ "Do you want to share my umbrella” she asked moving close by me. I just stood there and stared at the light. “ if you don’t mind me asking are you waiting for someone” I looked at her and smiled. “look my house is right there you can wait on my porch if you want, are they picking you up right here right? ” I looked at her and nodded. “ I mean its the least I can do I don’t like to see nobody standing in a rain alone.” she grabbed my hand and led me to her house. Her hand was warm and gentle. “You can sit on the porch swing” I looked at her then sat down on the swing. It gently swayed back and forth just a moment before it stopped. “I know you. You moved down the street right” she said joining me on the swing. “ My sister says you crazy cause you don’t never talk is that true” I looked at her and back at the rain.“ Well my sister is a bitch she dont know anything ” she said. She watched me for a moment before she spoke again. “ I don’t think you crazy. I think you’re just sad. You can see it all over your face” I looked at her and back at the rain again. “ are you sad” she asked. I closed my eyes wanting to tell her. To tell someone, anyone the truth. She dug in her purse and pulled out a strawberrie parttart.“ You want one” she offered. I looked at it in her hand and took without a word. “ I love parttarts” I watched her as she took a bite out of her parttart. I then looked at my own and bit it. We both sat in silence as the rain fell. That when I felt it. A sharp pain shot through my chest. Knocking the air from my lungs. I knew what was happening. i was going to die. “ oh my god are you ok ” she yelled.

I built myself into this dark metal cage. Wanting to reach out. The bars are so thick and strong my arms can never reach my wants. There are days when I be so close in touching my wants, but the bars grow stronger each time I try. So I stop. I want my wants. So i try again reaching and stretching to reach my wants but the bars stops me again. I don't want to give into the darkness. I sometimes can hear the cage telling me it's safe to be here. It's ok not to have those things. It's ok to be alone. I will protect you, It whispers. It tells me the things that I don't want to hear and i sometimes believe it. I fall under the cage dark spell. Holding me and suffocating me and beating me to a point of numbness. I know in my heart that I can reach my wants. But the dark cage is to strong and it's holding me back. The things it tells me.! sounds so right that I hate it. I hate that it tells me these things. I want to be free from the dark cage. I want to not fear it anymore. I want to be free so bad. How can you free yourself from something that's so strong and have been there for you all your life.