卢馨之

Considering just noting a few things down during my morning commute as a daily practice

so much of my PhD has been trying to adopt routines, being diligent about it for a few weeks (occasionally months) and then letting it slide

I suppose that’s ok - being more fluid and reactive rather than overly strict with myself is a good thing

I think writing is a part of trying to put the thoughts down and see them as separate from you. when they’re just floating in your head you’re stewing in them - you and your thoughts an amorphous being - hard to draw the line

It’s also a record of time. That’s how I saw things then. How I knew to voice them. But writing is a continuous translation of the self - the thoughts aren’t the same when on paper. Concretized by squiggly characters… words… sentences.

In any case I should do more of it. I’ve been suffering by not writing. Writing only in an academic way (badly). Writing that gets so edited an overwritten sometimes it’s hard to see my original voice.

I’ve been thinking about so many things these past month or so. Really stewing in it when it comes to my relationships, career, sense of self. I feel lighter now after many good conversations with friends - they really help me. I think most of all they help me with self doubt which is at the root of most issues. Talking with my friends reaffirms how brilliant they all are and by conjunction restores my belief in my own brilliance to have fostered and maintained these friendships.

Sometimes it’s really frustrating how my brain is so occupied by career questions. I’m ok with having this existential crisis but it is pretty looong. getting a little tired. I know to some degree my career choices won’t need to dictate the person I am but also… how can it not. And this drives me up the walls - I’m paranoid I’ll become what I detest.

have felt this way for a long time now i dont remember when it began. i've been meeting almost everything with paranoia and feeling like each step involves so much work - a bit overwhelming.

i am plagued by thinking i'm not good enough of a person and feel so much guilt with everything.

i know so much of what i do is out of love and i feel it - the love i give and receive. i'm constantly anxious less "pure" forces are polluting this love though and feel like i need to be hypervigilant.

conversations and illness recently have made me feel so confused - i feel like so many people have trust and a buoyancy that I don't.

also i keep telling myself this will pass. it's just a phase. but i feel like i've been in this a while now.

I want to replicate good in the world and provide refuge in a world that is too hard too scared and too proud