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PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
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@applejuicewithwater

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hey girl your pussy is awesome, where did you get it installed?
between my thighs
saw this absolute king at the Paris Miku Expo
*in a rap battle* i wonder who your mother could have been if she never had you

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this is immensely funny to me
Generational toxic masculinity.
I had a friend with non-abusive parents as a kid and whenever we were Up To Some Shit, the agreement was that she had to let me do the talking because she'd sweat guilt from every pore while I just looked at people dead in the eye and just fucking lied.
"You just lied to your mother??" what, like it's hard?
"WE TAUGHT YOU VALUES" yeah the value of not getting caught. Not sure that's what you were going for man.
not to be insensitive but some of the salem witch trials were so funny bitches like “i saw her at the devils sacrament!!!” girl… what were YOU doing at the devils sacrament 👀
If ANYTHING is a heritage post it’s this.
Confiscated pens containing cheat notes intricately carved by a student at the University of Malaga, Spain. (2022)
socks used to cheat on civil service exams, Qing Dynasty China

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STOP ITTT, a DoorDasher picking up someone’s order from my work took the bag from me and then put something into my hand, and it was macadamia nuts???? Just some loose macadamia nuts? And then he gave a smile and left?
easily the most baffling human interaction I’ve had lately. Do fae creatures come in the guise of DoorDash guys now instead of old beggar women? What just happened
yesterday I was harvesting some runner beans without a basket so i was just shoving them into my jacket pocket. Later I realized I had missed one which was still in the pocket. I should do this to my deliveries today with suspiciously large beans
PLEASE do this, spread a little mischief and whimsy with your large beans
I want to show you an actual training slide from my customer service job that I had to see yesterday.
Fińàncial Harm
I stopped having celebrity role models ever since ringo starr told me to fuck off when I was 11 that experience was very formative I can never trust another beatle
did he really
God it really did and Im so pissed because I cant even tell the story because it sounds so everyone got up and clapped
you GOTTA tell me this story maude i must know
Well I’m not really used to telling this in text form so I’ll do my best but basically when I was 11 I idolized the beatles and like collected their records and cds, read all their autobiographies, had pics of them hanging ovr my bed and shit… yeah yeah it was a more naive time. But basically since my mom knew I loved them she pulled some of her vegas strings for my birthday and got me into the premiere of the beatles cirque de soleil show. see it, think its kinda lame but too starstruck to care, we get to go to the afterparty and there he is, the man himself, Richard Starky or whateverthefuck…. so naturally I FLIP and go omg ringo youve shaped my young life please can I have a picture w you
And the dude, like. Turns around. And does the most fucking cartoon villain laugh I’ve ever heard in my life. Like, puts his hands over his stomach, takes a deep breath and makes this noise thatd Id describe as Santa Claus mixed with Bowser. And looks me right in my horrified eyes and goes, “No.”
Like, I dont know what to say at this pt. I’m 11, my self esteem was pretty damn low, its not really registering to me that one of my childhood heroes is a fucking DBZ antagonist, instead my first instinct is that I did something wrong or I’m just so damn ugly the very sight of me deeply offended Mr. Starr, so even tho Im starting to cry a bit I awkwardly laugh and apologize for the intrusion. And the dude. He just gives me the smuggest “Yeah, thought so” look ever. And gestures to the other side of the room and goes “fuck off, kid”. Then turns around and resumes his conversation about the finer points of Microsoft paint as a modern art medium or whatever topic I imagine dominates the conversations of such an influential celebrity
But like, and this is the most fake sounding part of it, Julian Lennon (johns son from his first marriage, I think hes a photographer or something) saw all this happen. And like, stands there and comforts me for like 15 minutes. I’m ugly sobbing so loudly at this point, he just like gives me a kiss on my head and says things are gonna be ok. I ask him if I did something wrong. He tells me this happens all the time, the dude just really hates kids and kinda people in general. That raised so many questions for me. Is this a regular occurence? Has he comforted other kids who have had their hearts cruelly ripped out by the menace known as ringo starr, or possibly the other slightly less assholish beatles? Like, he seemed like he was so used to it.
Yeah, I threw out all my beatles shit after that. But thanks julian lennon for stopping me from becoming a supervillain hellbent on destroying the entire nation of britain for good. What a dude. I should check out his photos.
holy shit
wait do people read first person stories and think they're the ones in the story???
Saw people talking about not liking first person, which is fair, but their reasoning was like "I would not do that" and I don't understand that mindset.
First person stories are still about a character. A character making their own decisions. First person isn't about you???? At least I thought it wasn't. What am I missing? I've always seen first person as just a more in-depth look into a character's mind and stricter POV. Not as a reader stand-in.
I see first person stories like I'm sitting down across from the narrator getting the wildest tea imaginable
Most accurate way to read a first person story
Asshole. MH.
Bonus:

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pretty good film. excellent film even. second favourite film ever maybe
So what makes a butcher knife more butch than other knives?
The knife itself isn't necessarily butch. It's named that because it's wielded by a butcher, who is more butch than the other food shop owners
Hmm, I see.
What, then, makes the butcher more butch than other food shop owners?
the knife
That's what ancient Greek philosophy is like