kocham cyce

oh and that gap in my resume is when i was digging my own grave

the dirt under my nails is - yeah. it won't wash out. although that's actually from when i dug myself out again. i suppose success and defeat can look the same in a mirror.

Hm i wonder why i feel so disconnected? *watches from afar* *watches from afar* *watches from afar* *watches from afar* *watches from afa

It's interesting to think about orv as this like, world governed by a child. Like, of course, hsy wrote the actual world of twsa into existence, but she did so as a gift to a young kim dokja i.e. oldest dream. Everything was designed to his liking, and the very fabric of the world relies on od actually liking the story lest he like, blow up himself and the world with him. And od gets this eldritch horror component to him from this, because he's like, really not doing anything, right? Like od is effectively just a child enjoying a story, just kind of existing, but in the logic of orv having your story watched is not...that good. This is of course *the* thesis of orv, that stories keep us alive and that you're not evil for wanting to stay alive, etc, etc. but it's also interesting to think about the system of probability within this world governed by a child reading a story. Because nobody really sits down to explain probability, at least not off the top of my head, but it can be pretty easily inferred that probability is. Well. How probable something is to happen, but specifically how likely it is for a certain event to happen, under the constraints of a story from a particular genre. So it's not about what's physically possible, it's about maintaining suspension of disbelief. And, despite what it says on the tin, od is not actually omniscient, he can overlook things, he can be distracted, his attention can be purposefully called to things. So really it's about what you can get away with in this cosmic-level game of make-believe. And of course this is a system made for a reader, for kim dokja, where knowledge of tropes will make surviving through the apocalypse way easier. So how come kdj, with such a big advantage, has so much trouble getting by? A big part of this I think is because od, being od, cannot actually imagine an older version of himself. Od can't think of a world where he gets to be 28 years old, much less be even remotely happy or stable at that age. And this is also why kdj's face has to be blurred, because to od, kdj is both a self insert (like he is to us, the readers of orv) and an impossibility. Because kim dokja does not allow himself happiness, not even when he's little

Something about the whole "Eming is born of Hua Cheng's desire to live and Rouye is born of Xie Lian's desire to die," and then how Xie Lian wears funeral colours and Hua Cheng wears wedding colours. God oriented towards death and stillness and self-denial. Ghost oriented towards life and hope and happiness.