I hate being my particular flavor of neurodivergence where I have like. Crazy ambition and energy and I want to do literally everything and it makes me insanely restless but mentally im trapped in place unable to do like anything because I
1. Don't have the time
2. Don't have the mental energy for it
3. Would actually hate sitting down to do one thing because it means I can't do any of the other things I want to do which makes no sense because with that mindset now I'm not doing any of any things because I'd be sitting there doing one thing and I can't STAND doing one thing for long periods of time which is weird because I also hyperfocus like crazy sometimes?
And it upsets me greatly because I can sit there with 3 computer windows open and perceive everything going on just fine but the moment I'm on one window I'm totally gone and I can't do anything. I assume it's an ADHD thing where bouncing between all these things and having a ton of things open makes my brain happy or something but goddd.
I'd like to be able to sit down, play music, and research one of my interests like I want to because all I wanna do lately is consume knowledge and organize it in a neat little post for fun but I. Cannot. If I do my usual setup and play something to watch like a show that typically helps me focus on other things I'm doing, when it comes to research it just makes it harder, same with music and I'm like ??
It's kinda crazy when people ask me about my interests and I tell them my interests and they go oh tell me more and I have to sit there like damn. Because. I don't actually know anything. I know enough about my media-based interests 'cause while I'm watching or reading things I can analyze and retain information easily enough, but when it comes to anything else it's OVER. Which sucks because boy do I enjoy yapping to anyone who will listen.
