Melodramatic

me @ my female ancestors: girl help 

I usually hate seeing people being stiffed for their labor but I think it’s very funny ICE agents have not been getting their $50k sign on bonus, many are still waiting for their healthcare benefits to kick in and some are complaining they haven’t been getting their paychecks. You sold your soul to the Exploiting and Abusing People Agency and they started exploiting you too? Wow. Crazy.

you’re not evil girl you’re just lonely and no one has cared for you in a while and its making you crazy can you go get a fucking chai latte or something

Manscaped just pinned me down sheared my nuts and released me back into my enclosure like a barnyard sheep

so when Spider-man crawls up and down walls like a bug people praise him and call him a superhero, but when I, Count Dracula,

Line cooks and the weed man do more for the human race every day than any CEO has ever done in their entire life

I do not remember liking this, but clearly past me has good taste

i just want to sit in front of the ocean for a little while