there's no perfect time, so why not today?

a "like" on a post is like a little kiss on the cheek

ⓘ Tip If you feel unfulfilled by how you spent your time today, you can stay up late to try to combat the sense of dissatisfaction. This will ensure that you feel even worse tomorrow.

cell phone doesn't like water because it is a combination of the other three elements. it is a rock (earth) that we fill with lightning (fire) that can control radio waves (air). if it contained water too, it would be too perfect; it would be like a god. to prevent this, the universe kills the would be uniter-of-the-elements. it's basic science.

Hey op google what LCD stands for

i took an oath in third grade to never do drugs

tip: if you wake up on time and then lie in bed unmoving for 20 minutes you will no longer be on time

they should invent a body that feels normal to be inside of

you may think misogyny is good because it is made up of miso, which is delicious, and gyny, which is woman. and girl miso sounds great. but 👆 it is not girl miso

will you ever forgive me

jesus christ did i fucking kill them im sorry

you may think homicide is good because it is made up of homo, which is gay, and cider, which is delicious. And gay cider sounds great. but 👆 it is not gay cider

have yall heard about the 17lb cannibal cat named Baby Jesus

THEY ARE

goes on shark tank empty handed and says good evening sharks. none of us are leaving this room alive

Is there a polite way to tell a student to take it easy on the thesaurus? 

alleviate your compulsion to lunge for the tome