Amber The Werewolf’s Blog

I fucking *hate* that I feel pressured to conform to conventional femininity. I want to feel pretty when I dress how I want. Yet it feels like I’m not doing enough when my makeup isn’t perfect or how I don’t shave my body hair at all. I want to feel good when I dress how I like, but when it feels like the world is judging me, I feel bad. I don’t want to reject femininity entirely because I love makeup, dresses, doing my nails, and other conventionally feminine things, but sometimes it feels more like a cage than free expression.

I really want to feel pretty. I do sometimes, but other times my scars, skin, and body shape make me feel unattractive. It doesn’t help that I often find myself in masculine outfits that were thrown together without any care. I’m supposed to be the confident one, yet I also feel bad about my body at times.

I went to the thrift store with my dad today and I got five patterns for various skirts and dresses. I’m so excited to make them! Clothes that fit perfectly look and feel so good. And also I can make them how I want as far as color, weight, and texture go. I’m so glad I know how to sew.

I’d like to dye our body’s hair the color of my hair. However, our host wants to keep our hair natural. Dyeing it black would also be annoying because of it staining towels, damaging my hair, and having to wash it in cold water. My hair is short though so if I don’t like it, it won’t take long to grow out. Our host tells me no every time I suggest it. It’s not that big of a deal, but it reminds me how I don’t have as much agency over my body than I would as a singlet.

I got myself some new clothes today! Unfortunately I didn’t find much I really really liked at the goodwill. My sister doesn’t like the four things I got. I hope more feminine clothing will make me feel even better.

Had a really weird experience just now. I was listening to Werewolf Gimmick by The Mountain Goats and I started shifting sort of. It felt like I needed to transform. I got waves of something trying to push its way out and it coursed through my body. Of course my human body can’t physically transform, but it wanted to so so bad. These waves weren’t exactly painful, but deeply uncomfortable because there was no release of the fur coming through and my tendons lengthening or tightening and my snout growing out. My I was breathing heavily and my whole body was tense. I felt like if I just pushed a little harder I could transform, but I’ll never be able to physically shift.

I really want some good werewolf books to read. I’ll still poke around my school library and see what they have, but that’s not too reliable for good books. I’d like some books from the perspective of the werewolf. I don’t care if it’s a struggling with the beast within story or an embracing the beast within story. Or perhaps something else? I just want a good read that has someone like me.

I fronted all day today. It was fun, but exhausting. I’ll add to this later when I’m not so tired