~Tobi~

it’s december 1 where’s the christmas tail kitten bring him to me

people who take hot baths are practically begging to end up in a witch's stew.

I absolutely am.

everything should cost one dollar, ten dollars, or one hundred dollars. a drinky drink is one dollar. a t shirt is ten dollars. rent is one hundred. i might be convinced to allow one thousand dollars for some very big purchases like a house. i get it, you're running a business. i'm not unreasonable.

Altogether, I really like the way americans say "can I help you?" as a polite general one-size-fits-all stand-in for "who the fuck are you/what the fuck are you doing here/how the fuck did you get in here/what the fuck are you staring at/what is your fucking problem." Such a polite way of going "bitch what the fuck."

“if women want equality then they should be drafted” what if — just hear me out — what if nobody should be drafted. not even *looks behind my shoulder* not even men.

"Sex is what makes us human" is stupid. Almost every species fucks. Humans are the only species that jumps motorcycles over school buses that are on fire. Some other things too probably

I've noticed that people have started spreading the 1992 Good Omens script around. Please don't. If you've got it up, please take it down. There's a mess of serious and real legalities involved, and I don't want to have to start being a dick and asking for copyright takedowns and all of that, and I don't want to have to regret letting it out into the world. Just take it down, unshare, delete links. Thank you.

can't stop thinking about the concept of angels having a customer service mode. an angel walks into a bar all blazing with glory, wings outspread and flaming sword in hand and goes "BE NOT AFRAI - sorry, sorry, i forgot i'm off the clock" and none of the patrons even look up from their drinks. the bartender just says "long day?" sympathetically and starts pouring their usual into a glass.

I’m in an online class and my professor goes “some of you were asking about my dog. His name is chichi, he is my Aztec warrior.” And holds up a very small very proud looking chihuahua.

I love how its getting closer to that time of year again and ppl starting to reblog my boy again

My worst horror house experience was when I couldn’t find the (rather obvious) exit and the guy chasing me with a chainsaw stopped, sighed and pointed me to the exit, saying “please scream as loud as you can when you run out there” and just left. I disappointed the horror house chainsaw dude and I will never get over that

Guy: They are all my friends.. (motioning to hanging corpses; then grabs a noose) Will you be my friend?  Me: Sure totally, you made me a friendship necklace? Oh my god your so sweet?  Guy: … Yes.. Please, let me.. I cant I cant just go (laughing).  – Got to walk a second time through–  Same guy: My friends -wailing-  Me: I came back I just really wanted to be friends so bad Guy: (laughing more) Please, Im not allowed to laugh. 

I went to a haunted corn maze once. Someone ran at me with a chainsaw. I just stared at him. He hung his head and walked away. I left.

The Real Horror Is The People We Dissapointed Along The Way

IM CRYING

World Heritage Post

I was walking through this one time and a lady had her arm bent backwards and without thinking I blurted out “is your arm hyper-mobile or is that a prosthetic?” And she seemed confused for a minute and then shouted “MY ARM”

You know a folk punk song is about to go hard if there’s a little nerd at the start going “one, two, three, four” on the worst mic known to man

Oh wow there are a lot of people angry on this post… because they think…. That I think…I am too good for chicken nuggets pasta…. And not that I am making fun of my husband…. For making 100 pounds of food…. For 2 people…. Right before we went on vacation…. You absolute freaks.

Hotel Transylvania

I'm sobbing oh my god

Wait why does Dracula refer Joanne as *his* daughter?

if your child marries someone, that partner becomes your daughter-in-law or son-in-law. 

This is like an archeological dig site but the philosophers are still alive and talking