Wolfboy Draws

vampire: *pausing mid-bite* why… does it matter?

Like that's where humans encounter them, which is where we get the stereotype of dragons always attacking livestock and villages, but actually your average dragon is much happier on mountain peaks hunting its natural prey and staying far away from human settlements.

Now your problem dragons happen when somebody buys a baby dragon as a pet— not always deliberately, some unscrupulous salespeople will try to pass them off to kids as salamanders or 'teacup dragons' (not a real thing, a baby dragon will always get bigger)— and then releases it into the wild when it gets too large or too difficult to handle.

They think it's a kindness, but a dragon who has been hand raised in captivity will not have developed a healthy fear of humans or the hunting skills it needs to go after something like a gazelle or a gryphon.

In the absence of a human caretaker, they will usually just wander down to the nearest human settlement and settle there. Many of them will fill their caves with stolen human objects, trying to replicate the familiar scent of their babyhood. They target livestock, they occasionally start going after damsels, and then somebody has to call in a knight to solve the problem the hard way.

However, with a donation of just two silver coins every new moon, you can help these beautiful, misunderstood creatures.

We at the Lowland Dragon Sanctuary work tirelessly to educate people on why dragons don't make good pets and on how to coexist safely with wild dragons. We also provide a shelter for dragons who have been rescued from captivity, like Ruby, our famous 'ambassador dragon' who was rescued from an Overlord in the Darklands who was trying to use her as a guard dog.

Looks inside

O-okay, let’s get into this, shall we?

*grumbling* Would you rather work for Lex Luthor or the Joker- *shouting* Lex Luthor, by like, a fucking mile!

Yes, yes, working for Lex Luthor is basically like being an Amazon employee that makes weapons of mass destruction, which is bad. Lex is like Donald Trump mixed with Mark Zuckerberg mixed with Jeffrey fucking Bezos, it’s not a great mix. He does not treat his henchmen well. Their lives still suck, and they are probably monitored on how long they take piss breaks for.

But let’s analyze what working for Lex Luthor is like versus the fucking Joker. With Lex you probably get a dental plan, a health plan, a paycheck, and the guy that you’re fighting really cares about human life. Superman will hit you just long enough to knock you out, so you’re not a treat, so he can stop the problem.

If you work for the Joker, your payment is you’re not fucking dead. You say one wrong thing? Bang. You don’t laugh at his jokes? Bang! You do laugh at his jokes? Bang! You think Joker gives a fuck about a henchman?

Who’s Lex Luthor’s right-hand-man? It’s a woman, you sexist, her name is Mercy, she’s awesome. Who’s Joker’s right-hand-man? Bob? Nah, he’s dead. Harley? Tried to kill her multiple times. Slappy? Who the fuck is Slappy?

The best case scenario of working for the Joker is that you fight the fucking Batman! And that presents its own fucking list of problems. If you stop Superman as a Lex Luthor henchman, Lex’ll be pissed, but he’ll be at least happy that Superman was caught. If you stop Batman as a Joker henchman, you better have a fucking coffin picked out yesterday.

This isn’t a fun hypothetical question, this is a screening technique that the doctors at Arkham use to determine your mental health! There is a right and a wrong answer to this question, and the correct one is Lex fucking Luthor. Thank you for coming to my fucking Ted Talk, have a nice day.