fragile soft machines

my health anxiety is so much better except for the part where when i am actually ill i continue to obsess over how if i just didn’t go anywhere or do anything i probably could’ve avoided it. and actually the better the rest gets the worse this is because acting normal means i have more “evidence” to beat myself over the head with. obviously i am an idiot and a fool for not sitting in a box eating toast all day in order to evade food poisoning

i have cried at 0 parts of medical transition thus far, including the part where i gained back the ability to live a normal life without being in pain, but discovering that i am getting the most tiny pathetic patch of actual neckbeard hairs has made me absolutely hysterical. which is some kind of data point that i don’t know how to categorize

becoming increasingly aware of how many of the residents of this building are twinks going about in little hats and button-downs. i feel like i’ve been released into some sort of specialized wildlife refuge

those who have jokingly asked me if i might try to run a half marathon and got a grumpy “no way that would be possible” in response are potentially allowed to laugh at me… i’m really quite curious about whether i could do it before surgery. the timing seems possible given where i’m at rn. and it would be something fun for my bday weekend/on robert jordan’s bday no less