Birdie

I want to add that I don’t make a habit of this now that I am a law abiding adult, but recently I accidentally did this again. Having been used to having my run of hospitals and walking basically anywhere as a child, I was visiting a friend in the hospital just before covid and I was legitimately exhausted and carrying a coffee cup cuz it was like 5:30am or something dumb, and I went to leave and get to the bottom floor and i’m like “this is not the lobby” and I walked around for a bit and people kept holding doors for me so I traveled through many corridors, and nothing looked familiar, and then I realized every single door was a key card swipe and everyone had mag-stripe badges with varying security levels and I realized I had gotton onto a staff elevator with the staff, who had swiped their card to go down into a high-security area of the building, and people had just been letting me through all these security doors.

So then I had to out myself and be like “Um I accidentally broke into you high-security wing, please show me the door, I’m literally just trying to leave this hospital” and I had to get like searched and stuff. 

And what was funny was that while I was blissfully walking around assuming I belonged, No one questioned ANYTHING and in fact, were violating protocols left and right to let me through, but the VERY SECOND I realized I was not where I was supposed to be and let that show on my face, like three people in the hall confronted me. 

So the take away is, be confident that you belong, look exhausted and like you don’t want to be there, and carry a cup of coffee. It will open pretty much all doors.

I finally attracted the notice of someone who was meant to be part of this restoration project when I came back up from the hole. He quickly came over to ask me, in Italian, what I’m sure were the very normal questions of “Who are you?”, “What are you doing here??”, etc.

Problem: I do not speak Italian.

My brain’s solution: Quick, what language do we speak that’s close?! 

And that is how I wandered up out of a hole in a Roman ruin without warning and began speaking ancient Latin to an archaeologist.

This man’s face went through 15 different absolutely floored expressions in ten seconds, like you could physically see him going through the thought process of “Have I encountered a ghost from ancient Rome? No, ghosts aren’t real. But if ghosts not real, how Latin??? Fellow researcher??? Supposed to be here???”

“Do you know why I pulled you over?” is a trap. It means there’s a good chance the officer doesn’t actually have a good reason to ticket you, and is trying to get you to waive your 5th Amendment rights and incriminate yourself. If you make a guess, that’s a confession of guilt.

like miss ma'am, one of us controls your knife-toes, and it ain't me

and EXTREMELY funny to imagine him doing something like physically grabbing svetlana's hand when she's grabbing some nuts out of a little bowl at a bar and going, "no, bad," while svetlana is?? i beg your FINEST fucking pardon??? before ilya's mind catches up and he goes, "oh, nevermind" because it's not poison for svetas, just shanes. brain just went Loved One Eating Forbidden Food and had him moving before he thought it through.

but even funnier to imagine it happening with his new team. and they're still getting to know each other so the freedom to touch component isn't there yet, but they're just like. getting coffee or something one morning in a city they're in for a game, and they go to take a bite of a protein bar they got, and ilya (who is texting shane which is why brain is Allergy Mode and also hasn't had any caffeine yet) barely glances up before he goes, "no, poison. bad for you." and this new person WHO BARELY KNOWS ILYA ATP is just ??? what??? what are you talking about??? was there a recall or something?? and then ilya has to go, "oh, no. fine for you. go ahead."

and ilya is then like. on the FLOOR. dazed and just "??? jesus christ??? you could do that the WHOLE time???" while shane is just scrambling to get out of bed and stop his mom from coming any further into the house in case anything incriminating has been left out accidentally

I fucking love when people give in-universe reasons for omegaverse shenanigans being a relatively new phenomenon and not just a fact of life. And this is probably my favorite out of all of them. Insane choice, and I want to kiss the author sloppy style about it.

Even in the house it was LOUD.  Probably the loudest thing I have ever experienced but at a normal, predictable interval.  You would begin to time your sentences with little pauses with the rest of the lighthouse crew so you would talk like this while making your………..HORN…………. tea and then carry on talking because you knew when it would go off.  It rattled the walls and the dishes in our cabinet.

At least one girl had died there. They kept photos of her everywhere “in honor of her sacrifice” because she had decided to take the winter watch alone and died in a storm where bounders the size of mini vans had been lifted out of the ocean and left scattered across the island, to say nothing of the ice chunks.  People weren’t allowed to be alone on the watch after that.

One day a dead moose washed up on shore and it took my entire crew all day but we managed to rig up a line to hang it up to dry because we thought having a moose skeleton in the house would really spice the living room up a bit.  It did.  Weird shit happens when six of you are left alone, like ALONE ALONE, no cell reception, no wifi, just a radio to contact the real world and not a lot of reason to do that.  People don’t go on lighthouse jobs if they want to stay connected, I’ve found.

Second of all!!! In one of your fics you have like an almost throw away line where Hayden mentions he’s had to stop the other Voyageurs/Metros players from fucking with Shane’s food and like. Now my mind is rife with the ✨possibilities✨ of that scenario. Like. One of them adds peanuts or something to something Shane thinks is safe as a prank and Hayden doesn’t catch it and suddenly Shane is in anaphylaxis and everyone is freaking the fuck out. The next time Ilya plays Montreal that one player gets laid the FUCK out for some reason.

combo-ing with @pitrosa just because both of y'all were getting to the same DELICIOUS possibility of a wild amount of angst.

like the idea of someone fucking with shane's food at a party at jackie and hayden's place not because they know shane is allergic but because they're shitty and i 100% buy some bigoted asshole seeing it as a way shane is just trying to be special and other. so they knowingly do something like stir in some peanut butter or mix in some coconut oil. literally just something they see easily available in this one minute window in the kitchen they have when they're just being an asshole.

and even beyond just the nightmare of now shane has a reaction and this is one more thing that the team didn't know about previously and can spin into "so you didn't trust us?" IGNORING WHAT JUST FUCKING HAPPENED HERE, the fact that like. now shane isn't safe eating at events. or even fucking. being at events, tbh. like GOD the isolation of your team is cold to you now and you don't know which one of them fucked with you and you don't know that one or more of them won't do it again to hurt you. and it's not like any of them are going to fess up and own it because bigots are cowards and ALSO (even though shane wouldn't do it, i don't think) this is now like. pressing charges level.

and it's ONE MORE FUCKING THING that shane was afraid of!! and then it happened to him!!! what a fucking HEINOUS contribution to his anxiety getting worse while also feeling so isolated because even if hayden and jackie are equally PISSED and still invite you over when it's just y'all and you KNOW the food is safe. what the fuck are you even supposed to do here?

and stuff with jj is SO complicated with the ilya of it all, but jj is shane's friend and i don't think?? was bad about him coming out?? (just being with ilya and not telling jj about that??) (if i remember correctly??) so we also have jj now angry on shane's behalf. and yeah, maybe he might be hurt that shane didn't tell him, but your friend having to go to the hospital has a way of kind of lining priorities up.

but like. you can only hide anaphylaxis so fucking much.

so the worst of it happens out of sight with jackie helping shane into one of the guest rooms on the first floor while hayden goes to grab his jacket for him.

and also the double whammy FURY in the aftermath of now someone has hurt hayden's best friend in his home AND scared the hell out of his children because they had to watch uncle shane get so sick and are now upset because he had to leave the house in an ambulance with mommy. and the distribution of labor in that choice was jackie also being pissed and knowing, "either i'm going in this ambulance, or i'm catching a fucking charge today." and hayden being left to try and work out what the fuck just went down here because he's equally furious but at least has some level of knowing all of the guys here, but now he's trying to get updates on shane, calm the kids down and promise them uncle shane is okay and yeah they can maybe visit him later if he feels up to it, and also work out who the fuck decided they wanted to die today.

GOD 100% I think hayden and jackie would be like YEP THAT'S DONE with hosting, but now??? soooo??? where is hosting going to happen?? ain't going to be shane's house.

and now showing up at someone's house when they host is a fucking STATEMENT, especially if it's someone who is especially notably Not Cool with shane.

and the way shane would still be taking the blame for this!! both from the shitty ones on the team and also feeling like it's his fault!! because the team is literally splintering around him and what the FUCK is he supposed to do about it!!

YOU STOP THAT

like NO of course he doesn't want this kid's career nuked because he was stupid and ended up being a patsy for fucking with shane-

-but also. he did do it.

like yeah the kid hero worshipped him in a way that was a little overwhelming but also?? kind of a relief?? when it felt like so much of the team was icing him out?? and yet when it came down to shane or the rest of the team, the rookie sided with the rest of the team to fuck with him. and he didn't KNOW it was serious, but he also didn't know it WASN'T.

and shane being so fucking angry that he knows he's supposed to forgive the kid here, but why does he ALWAYS have to be the one forgiving? why does he just have to take it on the chin and keep going and keep his head up and don't snap and don't not smile when you're supposed to and don't ever let that mask slip, young man, because it won't take much for those cheers to turn to jeers-

vladi you have to STOP speaking because you are putting broken glass in the sandbox 😭😭😭

the idea of shane who is already having A Bad Fucking Time but now feeling SO fucking guilty and using what sway he has to put spin on this through The Power Of Yuna so the kid is never going to get back on montreal obviously, but A Team will take him because he IS a good player and shane issued a statement to the equivalent of, "I appreciate the pro-active response of my team," and GOD this would fucking suck to have to read over for approval because WHAT fucking response, "but I wanted to clear up a misundestanding of an unfortunate accident blah blah blah" that's as vague as possible but absolves the rookie of any active malice and plays it off as "stupid kid did a thing without realizing it would have consequences, but i get it," which helps the kid out but also makes shane look understanding and gracious and magnanimous. he got positioned as an asshole who came down hard on a rookie for no reason, so this press release does then make it, "hey, misunderstandings happened. i didn't mean for anything to happen here."

but also just. fucks him over further. montreal looks like they were a good team that just got a little overzealous in protecting shane hollander because of COURSE you would do that for shane hollander (and god the irony is thick enough to almost SMOTHER him), and meanwhile: NOTHING IS BETTER. NOTHING IS FIXED. THE VIBES ARE STILL FUCKING RANCID. SHANE STILL CAN'T FUCKING EAT AROUND HIS TEAM BECAUSE MAYBE SAFE BUT MAYBE NOT. ESPECIALLY IF HE'S ALREADY PLAYED IT OFF ONCE AS, "misunderstanding, things happen, that's life." BUT HE'S A GOOD SPORT, EVERYONE. HE'S A TEAM FUCKING PLAYER. HE IS SHANE HOLLANDER, BEST SPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT OF THEM ALL.

AND HE IS FUCKING DROWNING IN IT.

and making this worse is that the rookie is SO fucking thankful. like his hockey HERO saved his ass here after he was stupid and could have killed him. shane has never been more of a legend to him. and the kid wants to come up to him at every game they play against each other and say thank you again which is. so not fucking helpful. for trying to Repress The Shit Out Of The All Of This. and what is shane supposed to do! tell him to fuck off??? no! can't do that! this rookie was part of a nuke designed to blow shane's life apart, but he didn't mean it and shane is SUCH a good fucking sport and that's hockey and if you're just good enough and gracious enough and work hard enough, then everyone will let you have a place, right?

#heated rivalry#I will never shut up and this is a threat >:)#But it's truly like. Shane was the one who got hurt and now every fucking thing he does is just being#The Bigger Person™ and Keeping It Together™ and Smooting Things Over™ and Calming Everyone Down™.#Like paradoxically because he was the one hurt in the situation it's now his responsibility to manage the consequences of that situation#for everyone. He's the one with the near death experience and he's also the one not allowed to feel things about that near death experience#Because his reaction is being scrutinized and will determine how EVERYONE handles this. And if he wants a good outcome i.e. keeping his job#and not blowing up the team dynamic to a truly nuclear degree...he has to downplay it. It wasn't that serious. We were all having a laugh.#Of course rookie should still play management is overreacting. No I don't feel unsafe in the locker room why would you ask that hahaha.#And at the same time he watches EVERYONE ELSE AROUND HIM get the luxury of freaking out and leaning on their partners. Ilya turning into#a white-hot ball of rage. The team closing ranks. Hayden and Jackie and JJ on their righteous crusade. The rookie breaking down in front#of him and being carried off by his boyfriend. And if SHANE allows himself even a fraction of these reactions. Or if he even indulges#in the sin of breaking down in public and having HIS boyfriend carry him off to comfort him about it. He loses something he can't give up.#Like it truly is a fucking lose-lose for Shane Hollander and the worst part is he truly doesn't have a choice in the matter.#Like there's this thing that happens when a victim of bullying speaks out about their experience where there's a big outcry and people#are like WE HAVE TO CHANGE THINGS and often the bullies themselves speak out and go WE DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS THAT SERIOUS#WE WANT TO DO BETTER. Where you'd think this would lead to meaningful change but in reality what happens is they sit the victim down and go#“so :). Tell us what to do exactly :). So you'll forgive us :). And we're absolved :).” And then anything the victim says that isn't#YOU STOPPED BULLYING ME THIS IS ALL I EVER WANTED is proof that they just want attention. And after that sit down happens the victim isn't#allowed to have negative feelings or any kind of resentment towards the bullies anymore bc What do you mean we fixed the situation :)#and in fact the victim is often expected to kind of act as “proof” that the bullies are good people because hey look if I was a bad person#I wouldn't be friends with the guy I used to bully haha! Tell them how great I am or I'm sticking your head in the toilet again haha!#Anyways this is basically the dynamic between Shane and the team after the incident I think. Like management fired the rookie and forced#them all to sit through some training or other so now Everything Is Resolved OR ELSE. And if Shane DIDN'T try to get the rookie reinstated#and if he DIDN'T try to stick it out with the locker room and if he EVER brought it up again. Well. That's where public opinion#turns against you. Thankfully my man has Ilya & Hayden & JJ to remind him that there is a secret third option: Just Fucking Leave.#Not that Shane would out of his own free will but that's truly the only thing you can do in that kind of situation. Get out of there.#Vladi speaks

the way this ALSO then fucks him over with even being able to address homophobia on the team. like he was already trying to muscle through it, but now!! can't bring it up even if he fucking wanted to!!!! sorry, champ, you got your one (1) "hey, this sucks" card and you used it!! even though nothing changed!!! and if you try to speak out now, management is going to shut you the FUCK up because they can't risk something else happening when this ended so neatly and nicely! they look good now! they look supportive! no chance in HELL they're risking that now for a little thing like "hey, vibe's weird"!

and! if you go public about it! not that you would even fucking WANT TO! but if you tried! good chance the public wouldn't be with you! because now you would just sound whiny! like you missed being in the spotlight and had to come up with something else!

#Hayden he CAN'T he just has to be more careful - and then Ruby breaks into tears Uncle Shane you can train a dog to tell you#if you can eat something? Uncle Shane maybe you can get a dog and then you'll be safe again and you won't have to die? (bc Ruby of course i#not handling her first confrontation with mortality well and genuinely believes Shane might come in contact with something and keel over#on the street at any time) And maybe then she and Jade and Arthur and Amber can come over to his house again if the dog sniffs them#really well and makes sure she didn't accidentally touch a peanut? (all of the Pike kids have noticed Uncle Ilya is coming over alone most#of the time now and there haven't been any dinners at the Hollanov Household since the incident - though that one is coincidence).#Anyways the next week a working line German Shepherd puppy moves into Shane's appartment. Puppy showed great promise at first litter#evaluations and both parents are bomb sniffing dogs. Puppy immediately starts training and as German Shepherds do becomes SO serious#about his job. Like learns to sniff out multiple allergens and has a trained signal (paw to knee) for contamination but if he feels Shane i#getting rid of The Bad Smell fast enough he WILL start growling at the offending item. Six months into training Shane and doggo are on thei#daily morning 5 k run (working line dogs...) and suddenly dog who normally has IMPECCABLE leash manners fully starts pulling Shane off the#path with all his considerable strength. Shane is like ??????!!! turns out the guy sitting on the bench 20 m ahead was eating trail mix#containing multiple allergens. Shane feels. A lot safer going places after that.

#Also Dog of course as German Shepherds do feels Extremely strongly about The Rules and Good Behavior and thus views Anya and her antics #Also Dog of course as German Shepherds do feels Extremely strongly about The Rules and Good Behavior and thus views Anya and her antics#with a sort of stressed bafflement at first (Shane said sit why aren't you sitting???!!!) and aloofness once Hollanov more in together and#thus the dogs now live together too (Shane said sit and she's not sitting... couldn't be THIS good boy...). Ilya of course tries to#introduce some fun into dogs life because Shane look at him always so serious he has to be on vacation SOMETIMES!! Maybe at least at the#cottage yes there are no allergens at the cottage AND nobody but your parents visits he can be on vacation at the cottage at least!!!#Only Ilya's methods for introducing fun into dogs life are tailored to Absurdly Treat Motivated Counter Surfer Unholy Terror For A Little#Cheese Anya and dog is simply Above Such Nonsense (read: toy motivated) and as such couldn't care less about whatever special treat you hav#in your hand No Thank You he is Getting His Leash it is Mandatory Daily Exercise Time. But once Ilya finds the perfect squeaky toy it's#OVER for Mr Serious (it's a loon) (because of course it is) (have some dog content as apology for putting glass in the sand box)#Also I think he has a cheesy Russian name like Sputnik or Belka and it is genuinely a coincidence that's literally his kennel name but Shan#can't help feeling that it's right that the dog training to keep him safe is named in the same language as the man who's been doing that#for years already :)#Vladi speaks#Reblogging again because TUMBLR ATE HALF OF MY TAGS!!!

@shakespearerants

I WOULD DIE FOR SPUTNIK

i also love the idea of this near-puppy being SO deadly fucking serious about his job. he is "MR. PRESIDENT GET DOWN" levels of Focused on doing his tasks. if shane isn't listening to tap tap tap tap tap tap at his knee, nikky WILL just bap it right out of his hands. daddy, that is BAD. PUT IT DOWN.

also the idea of sputnik meeting anya who is a little chaos creature (affectionate) and just

at this dog who does not only not tell daddy about The Bad Foods, but also??? STEALS FOOD??? she investigated daddy's plate TO TRY AND STEAL SOME???

sputnik's fuzzy little mind is BLOWN. baby came from a working! family! this behavior is BEYOND THE PALE.

and i'm cackling about the idea of this near-puppy just YELLING at anya because no!! the rules!! you are not doing The Rules!!!! nikky is POINTEDLY doing a PERFECT sit. you want a shake paw? he'll give you the best shake paw this town has ever seen. goodest boy is a DELIGHT on the leash meanwhile wild child sister is a little MONSTER who is also papa's little princess so her correction is tragically limited lmao.

AND SPUTNIK HAVING A VACATION EACH YEAR. I AM SO FULL OF LOVE AND LIGHT. nikky with his loon toy on his patio bed chilling in the sunshine and squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak until anya comes over to lovingly bother him into a game of bitey face.

and baby fucking LOVES the water. he will dive after his toy into the water as many times as you'll sit there and throw it for him. he is a water! baby! having the time of his LIFE.

but also SUCH a polite boy going back to the house. has to get rinsed off of the lakewater and always stands so well at the door with SUCH good manners to get his paws wiped off before he goes inside. world's best little rule maker AND follower.

meanwhile if that sliding door is juuuuuust big enough for anya's to squeeze through while someone is handing a towel over??? enjoy the mud monster beelining RIGHT for the couch lmao.

also the idea of anya putting together food=tap on knee=reward??? but not really knowing what connection there is there meaning that anya teaches herself "slap the SHIT out of people's knees" as a trick NO ONE WANTS HER TO BE DOING.

GOD the idea of sputnik the goodest boy who loves his job SO much that he'll answer to anything if it sounds like Work Voice (as opposed to anya, who decides on a case-by-case basis if she'll answer to her one (1) name lmao). running list of things sputnik is regularly called and answers to both at home and at work

sputnik

spud

potato

tater

tater tot

sputnicholas

nikki

sputnikolai

kolyenka

kolyan

kolenka

kolya

coleslaw

cabbage

houndzy

AND SPUTNIK AND HIS EMPLOYEE BADGE. I SCREAM. the idea of The Goodest Boy in his harness with his badge clipped on who stays RIGHT by shane unless he's on the ice (doesn't come into arenas during games, but will hang out in the offices "supervising" support staff and always comes to practices), and then he hangs out with wiebe, and there's an ongoing bit that sputnik makes the calls during practice games on fouls or disputed plays. a regular joke is wiebe putting the mic on his headset near sputnik's nose so over the speakers you just hear loud *sniff sniff sniff sniff SNIFF sniff* and then "alright, you heard him, boys. run it back."

and i feel like shane is still SO fucking resistant to sputnik going places with him at first. like this is a visible signal of I Have Needs, and that is AWFUL. he HATES IT. HORRIBLE. but it IS nice to have the reassurance of being able to have sputnik sign off on safe or not safe, and he's SUCH a good, polite boy who is so quiet and is so good at not making himself a spectacle. so shane slowly starts bringing him to practice with him and then to outdoor restaurants where they can sit on the patio because then nikki could ostensibly just be a pet dog who came along for dinner. and then one day a kid with a service dog comes up to him at a meet and greet and tells him how he saw that shane hollander has a service dog because ilya posted a clip of sputnik doing the "no! bad!" paw to show off how smart he is on his instagram and it's so cool! they both have service dogs!

and it's like...shane still never wanted to be A Role Model with everything that comes along with it, but it does make him feel different when there's a kid in front of him who is like "i think my service dog is cool because YOU have a service dog and YOU'RE cool." and like. okay. maybe he'll post sputnik a little more. and yeah, sure, maybe sputnik can go along to the next irina foundation thing.

and sputnik is a STAR at camp. the kids all get a kick out of nikki saying if food is good or bad. it becomes like. A Daily Ritual. at first shane is kind of embarassed because of all things, children, you want to watch THIS?? but fine. okay. whatever. shane doesn't understand kids but the threat of no sputnik judgement at lunch did get everyone quiet and focused. so now every day at lunch everyone sits down and heads are craning around and there is a drumroll while shane presents his lunch to sputnik, and there is a cheer like someone won a goal when sputnik says it's good. and sometimes they sneak in an allergen as practice for nikki, and the kids lose their MINDS about it when sputnik does the "no, bad" paw. it ends up being a reward prize of whoever showed the best sportsmanship the day before gets to get their lunch cleared by sputnik, too.

???? NO??????

ilya initiates the flirting and shane immediately hits the "ilya nooooo 🥰 we have people coming over 🥰 they'll be here in thirty minutes 🥰 noooooo 🥰," and ilya immediately pulls back and goes, "okay."

and shane is just 🤨 excuse me 🤨 what are you doing? 🤨

and ilya just you said no, dorogoy. and you are right. there is no time. people are coming over so soon.