Writing Blog

I am a very curious person. I believe that to love someone is to be curious about them. i love askign random questions. i am the sort of person who always starts the deep talk sesh in a party when everybody is gone and the people who matter are there, all lounging around the hall listening to the music playing. a perfect combination of buzzed and high. everybody feeling comfortable enough to be vulnerable.

anyways here are list of questions i like to ask

What's a movie that you are embarassed to admit that you love?

which song do you always feel like you end up going back to?

which quote lives in your head rent free?

whats the earliest memory you have?

do you remember the first best friend you ever had? what were they like?

what's your most favoritest memory growing up?

tell me about your first love/ first crush

what's the most embarassing/ stupidest thing you have done in love?

whats something you still struggle with? what's somethign you are still learning to forgive yourself for?

which goodbye happened way before you were ready for it?

who are you the most closest to in your family?

whats the biggest dream you ever had? the one you are too scared to say out loud?

what makes you feel like the most you?

when did you feel the most alone?

when were you the most proud of yourself?

like seriously i havent had a crush since first year of college. it feels like i am a teenager all over again excessively texting my best friend when my crush even simply looks at me by accident. and my best friend fueling itno my delulu claiming he's so into me.

but it's so fun and thrilling and exciting having a crush in your adulthood. adulthood is so serious and so boring and so is office you gotta be so polite and formal. and adulthood is just overthinking things and being polite and not taking space and not being too much where as being kid was all about taking place. going to yoru best friends house cause you can. living there. having your heart on your sleeve. loving eveyrbody and everything. the innocence of it all. the firsts. it was so cool and exciting.

and thats exactly why having a crush on someone literally after eyars feels so exciting. its like the inner kid in me has came alive. i act so foolish and awkward around that guy. i barely speak a word to him. overthink all our tiny conversations. discuss and debate it with my best friend. it's literally so fun.

When I was a kid, I did everything right. Roz pooja with my mom. Vrat on major days. I looked like a believer. But I wasn’t. I didn’t believe in God. I believed in my mother.

I loved her. I wanted to be close to her. Faith was her world, so I stepped into it thinking maybe God was the bridge between us. For a lonely child, God was never first. Her mother was.

Then we shifted to another state, and everything broke at once. My mother got busier. Life changed too fast. I hated my father for forcing that change. I hated that nothing stayed the way it was. Most of all, I hated how far away my mother suddenly felt.

The farther I grew from her, the farther I grew from God.

She never noticed. But her faith never slipped. She could skip meals, skip rest, skip me. Pooja was non-negotiable. Subah 5 baje uthna hi hai. Agar na ho toh irritation. Slowly it began to feel like bhakti was her first priority and everyone else came second. I came second.

So I rebelled. Quietly. Completely.

In a ten-year-old’s mind, the logic was simple. God stole my mother. If God is so great, how is it okay that he takes a child’s mother away. Aisi bhakti ka kya fayda jo apno ko hi apno se alag kar de. If he knows everything, he must know my pain. Then why doesn’t he turn her toward me. Why doesn’t he make her see me.

That never happened. And my faith kept dissolving.

I started questioning her belief. What does it give her. Is it fear. Is it comfort. Is it loneliness. Is it habit passed down from my nani. Is it blind faith. I never found an answer, but the questions pushed me further away from God.

I didn’t want fear-based devotion. I didn’t want a transactional God either. Bhagwan please pass kara dena. Bhagwan please yeh kar do. That never sat right with me.

So I stayed distant. I didn’t read. I didn’t learn. I didn’t care.

Then I grew up. And God returned. Not through temples, but through people.

My friends.

None of us were particularly spiritual when we met. First year was fun and chaos. Second year, something shifted. All of us, independently, wanted to do better. Mentally. Emotionally. Spiritually. They admitted they believed in God and wanted to reconnect properly. We started watching the Mahabharat, not for bhakti but to understand our history.

That’s when I truly paid attention for the first time.

And the wounded child in me immediately called her mother. Excited. Almost desperate. Telling her I was finally walking the path she had always wanted me to take.

Our history is vast. Complex. Beautiful. I’m still learning, slowly. I still have questions. I still don’t believe the way many people do.

But I know this.

Om chanting calms me. Bhajans give me a peace I can’t logically explain. I don’t reject spirituality. I just want faith for the right reasons. Not fear. Not guilt. Not obligation. Not abandonment.

So I ask you. Honestly.

What makes you believe?

but that being said, i don't ever want to have kids of my own. and i know i am too young to think about such things as my parents always say in that inconsiderate tone suggesting they have shrugged off everything i have said about this topic in belief that its my boorish, rebelious naive youth that makes me say things like these. and maybe, just maybe, eben though i am so sure about this like i have never been before, but maybe yeah i'll change my mind when the time comes but that doesn't mean you invalidate me in this very moment.

my mother still kids around(pun intended) that this is exactly how i'll play with your kid or do this or that. and yes thats cute on paper but i don't want kids.

i feel like the world is going absolutely crazy. every single day, it gets a bit harder to be good. everything is so expensive. i am not even sure if i'll be able to float my own boat yet alone a future husband or a kid or two. and fuck expansivity. it's much more than that, if i have a daughter it would be completely against what i stand for, to stop her to do whatever she wants, to let her make her own decision for me but yet i feel like i would be scaredy cat of a mother. i'd be so scared for letting her be out alone in night remembering all the times i was harassed. cause i might be a liberal but that doesnt mean men are disgusting creatures. and if i have a son, it would break my heart to accidentally raise an entitled bastard who thinks everybody's beneath him. and fuck gender of the baby. i would never want to even let my kid sacrifice whatever they dream of because i have no money. it would crush me but in this economy? i am afraid even making them go to kindergarten is going to be so expensive,

and chalo lets leave the expense thing aside as a reason too. but what about familial trauma? everybody who has kids they hope to raise their kids better than their parents raised them and on paper thats such a beautiful thought. but you know what it does? it neglects what the child needs. say i felt neglected growing up and i swore to make my kid feel seen or heard but that's what i am assuming my kid needs cause thats where my childhood lacked but what if i fail in some different region and i would never even know? i dont want to pass on the family trauma.

leaving the fear of this, what about the fact that i believe its completely selfish to want to have kids. give me one non-selfish reason to have kids. its very much in our desi mentality that bacche buddhe gharwalo ko sambhalenge and its seeped into us very early in life. and yes i agree with that. very logical thinking. but it shouldn't be a responsibility, like a baggage on the kid, like thats just expected from them. like we kids are some sort of guaranteed investment to them, they feed us, raise us and give us shit in exchange of us doing the same to them in their old age but we get the short end of the stick since there is no guarantee they would be good parents or they would do their job right but its a compulsion from our ends that we have to do the same. but like we didn't even ask to be born? how did we become your guaranteed caretakers then? and the absolute joke is that kids inherently want to take care of their parents. the parents who don't treat them as their own personal slaves. the parents who don't make you feel shitty. we already love you enough to want to take care of you. parent- kid child is inherently a very beautiful bond without the compulsions.

and chalo leaving all of my reasons behind what world am i bringing them into? jaha rapes pe rapes hote hai but no one takes a stand. does nothing about it. the rapist gets freed cause oh my god we can't ruin this innocent man's live = cmon you asked for it. jaha per har cheez per tax hai? jaha per bhut jaldi paani per bhi tax lagne wla hai? basic commodities are sold to us undr capitalism. jaha itna corruption hai pucho mat jaha ek country dusri country per war krti hai and hum memes bana kar aage badh jate hai apni life mai cause its not effecting us? jaha rich and influential get away with everything but for middle class life gets hard every second day? what hope will they have for their life? we gen zs already live knowing deep down the world is going to come to an end and we have gathered is idgaf attitude as a coping mechanism. toh apne aage wali peedhi ko kya hi hope de?

nobody talks enough about this. shaadi krlo bacche paida krlo end of story. but no.

not the end of the story.

we throw it around. we say no ill love you or this item or this person or this famous character the same my whole life. a lot of things we dont follow up because ofcourse we grow up, thing scange, our attitude our likes and dislikes all changes with time.

it wasn't childish or naive thinking for me. it wasn't spur of the moment thing for me. it wasn't like everybody says it so i'll say it too.

every time we talked about winnie and pig, i really did consider us as close to the characters of the show. i saw myself as winnie and you as pig. when we would quote the 'forever' friendship quote from the show, i meant it with all of my heart.

and yes i know always and forever doesn't exist and maybe, just maybe we can't really love people always and forever but i believed in it as much as i could. i believed it to be real and i'd say it out loud with as much sincerity and willingness to follow it through as i could muster. when we would joke about being as best friends as the girls in the diamond castle i meant it. i did play out the fantasy of us living in the diamond castle word.

when we stayed up all night all giggly and excited about our coming futures and imagining ourselves to be successful and rich and we planned that dream vacation? it wasn't all jokes to me. i had already seen us travelling to paris, new york london. i had already imagined us having the times of our lives. reality be damned.

Even when we joked about marrying each other if we weren’t married by thirty, I believed that too. I don’t understand why platonic love is never seen as enough. Why does only romantic love get to be called fulfilling? Why is the idea of living with your best friend treated like a joke, when they would be the best roommate in the world?

Yeah, sometimes people do choose love over their dreams, and maybe they don’t regret it. But why is choosing your dreams always painted as the “wrong” choice? Dreams are what give you purpose, what make you feel alive! You fall in love, get married, and then what? You just give up everything you’ve worked for and do something you hate for the rest of your life?

And the worst part is this expectation that your partner should just drop everything for you. Like, no. Real love should be about supporting each other, not making someone sacrifice the thing that drives them.

Why does luther get the ape body? His default was super strength man not the ape body.

And why does five not get to be his old self again?

and lila's superman eyes!?

ahhh I miss klaus with his powers.

how does lila has a family?