please take my white ass to anor londo

In a statement that mourned “the extinguishing of one of the league’s oldest and most infernal lights,” the Washington Wizards announced Tuesday that the organization’s founding wizard, Osric the Baleful, had died at age 682, bringing to an end a centuries-long career in necromancy, prophecy, and NBA ownership.

Osric’s 1997 acquisition of the team then known as the Bullets is said to have taken place after an omen from the entrails of a hanged usurer convinced him that possession of a middling sports franchise would grant him an inexhaustible river of mortal anguish on which to float into eternity. Osric emerged from his crypt during a lightning storm and presented the team’s owners with a yellowed parchment granting him “full dominion over basketball in the District of Columbia, together with all courts, revenues, and towering gamesmen, who are hereby subject to permanent indentureship.” Before the owners could protest, the wizard had already turned them into wooden pestles.

Saying they have “no earthly clue” exactly when it’s okay to enter and exit, all of the drivers currently in the roundabout at Springdale and 8th Street admitted Monday that they’re pretty much “just winging it” whenever they pass through. “Who has the right of way? What does a yield sign really mean? I haven’t needed to know since my driver’s ed test. Why are there two lanes? Should I stop to let this guy in? Wait, no way, that seems dangerous. Who’s honking at me? Is that coming from behind me or from the approaching car on my left?” said driver Alan Sommer, 42, one of countless aimless motorists flicking their blinkers on and off, gesturing at other drivers, halting suddenly after their car is halfway into traffic, and otherwise performing whatever dangerous and unpredictable action felt right to them.

me, internal: watch out! you say ‘beat off’ here to mean completing a playthrough of ‘off’, the 2008 rpg video game by mortis ghost. however, the phrase ‘beat off’ is also euphemism for masturbation! without context, it would appear you were talking about masturbating!

me: whoa….id better be more careful!