aelur

Im an immigrant from a third world country

I am descended from immigrants and refugees

If you believe

The white replacement theory

That europe is getting over run by muslims or otherwise have an issue with islam that is not ecumenical

That islam is the biggest threat to western civilization and not the rich cunts that run our countries

I am not a safe space for you. First and foremost I will think you're an ignorant cunt, because specifically the time my husband and I choose to reenact was the time Europe was for the most part dirty backwaters full of people who didnt bathe regularly ruled primarily by an elite that didnt know how to read. Compare to the muslim world where universities already existed, technological innovations led to population explosions in conquered land (i.e. spain), public infrastructure from roman times was maintained and improved (aqueducts, baths,etc) and science was championed.

so generally depending on the region and groups my experience has been that people prefer not to discuss politics in reenactment for obvious reasons, because it can get ugly and sometimes it can lead to creating spaces that are way too... policed.

so yeah the reality is that a lot of people that i come across and call friends or brothers are older folk or folks my age who are super conservative, or conservative or conservative in some ways and progressive and others. it's difficult because we're talking folks who come from wildly different cultural backgrounds and ethnic groups - and yes, not every white person in europe is the same!

we've got the poles who lived through communist poland and remember the hunger and the relatives sent to forced labor camps by the russians, we've got the poles born after the fall of communism, we've got west germans and east germans born and raised in the DDR days, we've got the scandinavians and their general progressive policies but crazy high taxation, the irish who got family killed in the troubles, english folks who remember margaret thatcher's milk snatching ways, alsatian frenchies, parisian frenchies, weird country side frenchies, basque and catalunyans, boring spaniards, etc....

i met women who are hoping for abortion laws to be passed in poland, ex-military men who have a "traditional family" and are dealing with CPTSD, ex-military men with CPTSD who are super pro-queer but don't like muslims, polish folks who are super pro queerness but don't like trans, or don't think women should be fighting.

and the whole point is that having an a-political space generates a place for everyone to come together and influence each other's political views without forcing consensus. which is nice to see how other people think, and not be in a bubble, but

the space is not really a-political. there's a sort of expectation of conformity - don't be too muslim, don't be too gay, don't be trans at all. sadly the sole trans woman I know that came out as trans after joining the viking world was also a bit of a dickhead and did a bunch of people dirty, and so the transphobia came hand in hand with dislike because they just betrayed a friend. but i was told she was told not to come around events because yeah, not welcome, and one wonders how much of that was due to the betrayal and how much by the fact they were now presenting as a woman.

not to mention that in poland women were not able to publicly take to the field fighting until four years ago. a lot of polish groups to this day don't accept female fighters. the "elite" brotherhood of certain orgs still don't accept female fighters - granted, to be completely honest I don't think there's currently that many elite level female fighters in the european circuits in viking reenactment, but there has been in the past, and it was just a case of boys wanting a boys club.

for those who don't know, the costs of a spouse visa application are about 2 thousand pounds for the application alone, and another 3.5 thousand pounds total for NHS surcharges. which mind you, as he works, he is contributing towards anyway as it comes out of his salary. on top of that, you must make a minimum income of 29K a year

and say you're really lucky like me and can afford all of this bullshit. the visa is only for TWO AND A HALF YEARS. which, because britain is a fucking shithole where far right dickheads like farage keep convincing people to look away from his billionaire mates privatising the NHS because the problem are immigrants, means that you have to pay another 5 thousand pounds after the two and a half years to keep living here with your spouse. and now, they want to basically make it so that it takes you 10 years rather than 5 to apply for indefinite leave to remain, so.... they expect us to pay 20 THOUSAND FUCKING POUNDS FOR THE FUCKING PRIVILEGE OF LIVING WITH OUR FUCKING FAMILY

I say burnout but honestly I’m not always fully convinced of my own mental state. Perhaps I have this underlying belief that it should mean that I’m completely catatonic, and that my ability to continue to drag myself forward is somehow an argument against it. But I keep telling myself, it didn’t use to be like this. Everything I do nowadays, even if I’m travelling, cuddling with my husband, painting… it all feels slightly distant, like there’s a blanket of sadness over it that I can’t shake off. I’m never fully happy - just not anxious. And when things go wrong, my mood instantly worsens, and what should be a minor annoyance I should shake off becomes something that completely ruins my day. And I hate it. And in turn, I hate myself for feeling that way.

Last year I had the stress of organising my wedding. Of ensuring my family was there after flying halfway across the world from Argentina to Poland. Then passing my driving test, which for anyone outside the UK should know it’s a massive undertaking at the moment as there are 3 month waiting lists and a fail rate of 50%, and costs in the thousands of pounds. Then the added anxiety of being a new driver - and not having any family with me to ease me through the transition, just me trying to figure out cars on my own, in a foreign country. Then having to go through the visa process so that I can live with my husband in the UK and all the anger I had to bite down at how unfair the process is. Then adjusting to living with someone else, and a cat. A bathroom renovation. My husband also dealing with his own mental health issues.

None of these things are in themselves hugely disruptive, but they’re sort of like weights that I keep putting on my shoulders, and although I can shake off most of it, there’s always something left, and so it becomes more and more difficult to take on any more things.

My brain itself feels sluggish, I find it harder to concentrate, harder to get out of bed, harder to get out of my house to meet people. Yesterday we ended up at a local food festival and I had to spend 3 hours on the couch yesterday to recover from it. It’s not physical - I work out 4 times a week, go training on Sundays. I’ve been doing my best to stay off social media and doomscrolling and although I am detoxing by watching movies on DVD or listening to my CDs, or reading books, it doesn’t feel like an instant fix (although I do think it’s helping me not feel worse)

In a week I will go back to work. Another source of anxiety and stress is the fundamental disruption of AI and the existential crisis for a lot of us that have grown up in a different world where computers where fun and exciting. I’m going through the mourning of feeling like all that excitement for the future I used to have is gone in an age where technology is truly costing us the planet, and where technofeudalism is making truly evil people more powerful than ever.

I’m sort of like a prisoner in a golden cage - I have savings, a house paid off. I’m merely staying to take as many paychecks from these dickheads as I can, because I know nothing I work on is of any real value. But I’m not made of stone; part of me still wants to do “her best” and suffers because this is completely impossible where no one can agree what good looks like, and you’re meant to define it but if you do it wrong you get fired.