These Are The Ghosts

My loves. ❤️

Welcome to my world Messi.

Best part of moving in with your boyfriend besides the obvious: amalgamated record collections. <3

New studio view. For those keeping count this is my 4th studio in just over a year. No more moving!! #happiness

It's been raining for days which is just as well as I'm packing for our move on Tuesday. I'm going to miss this window view. #rain #window #nofilter

My boyfriends kitty has finally bonded to me. I love this big dude. #catsofinstagram #rescuekitty

Why yes that is me taking a selfie in a grocery store. Housebound no more! #agoraphobia #dbt #mentalhealth #fuckyeah

Tonight's date involved cereal and Lego. This might be love.

Graduated from my 9th @DBTpath class last night! Feeling skillful. #bpd #recovery @mindfulcorgi

I am starting to believe these meetings aren't by chance. #synchronicity #ormaybefate #happiness

Oh So Retro feedback from a blog. I'm chuffed. #ohsoretro #etsy #handmade #maker http://ohsoretro.net

My suicidal ideation is back. It started last week after I accidentally took a Buspar that I thought that was Klonopin, which is probably just coincidental and it's more like the fact that I was so anxious that I had to  take a benzo that is causing the distress. I'm constantly feeling triggered when I talk to the man I'm seeing which is causing me to act weird which is causing him to feel weird. I don't feel good enough for him. I don't feel stable enough or sane enough to deserve to be in a relationship. Why is it always fine until the day I decide yes I like this person, this is good and safe and I can be myself and this person won't judge me. Is that too much to expect of another person? Am I asking too much? Or am I asking the wrong people? After the last one I said "I'm not doing this again" and now I'm doing it again and really, this has to stop. I can't depend on another person to make me better. No one is going to save me. I am enough. I am good enough. I don't need validation. I can make myself feel better. I can take care of myself. I do not need to think that either someone loves me and takes care of me or else I will die. (How's that for black and white thinking? Gold medal for sure.)

Every day is another chance to get better. Every day is another chance to practice mindfulness, and go for walks, and be in wise mind, and try again. Every day I choose recovery is a good day, no matter how difficult that day is. I am here and I am fighting and that is all that's asked of me in this moment.