Good Judgement Comes From Experience

I did something bad at work and spent most of the week waiting to find out if I was going to lose my job over it. My girlfriend and another close friend, within the same hour no less, started a statement with “you just need to…”. I’m already past the end of my rope, and that just pissed me off. I have ADHD. If I could “just” we wouldn’t be having this fucking conversation.

To those of you with ADHD, this is probably a very familiar song. Sing along, if you’d like. For those you who don’t know it, give it a listen. This is the angry version of the song. I know there are other nicer versions you can go find if that’s more your style.

Flashback to first grade: “you *just* need to sit still!” Bitch, I have ADHD *and* RLS. I don’t get to choose when I sit still. You sure as fuck don’t and it’s not a moral failing when I can’t always do it on demand. If I could *just* we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

All through grade school: “you *just* need to sit down and do your homework.” I walk in the door at home and you’re lucky if I remember that I even have homework. If I could *just* we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

Eleventh grade English teacher: “you *just* need to apply yourself!” Yeah, I probably should. Using a magic word doesn’t make it happen, and it’s not like this is a lifestyle choice. If I could *just* we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

College: “why can’t you *just* sit down and do it?” Fuck if I know, you tell me. I try. I bribe myself. I berate myself. I sit there like a good little boy and the words don’t come. The book doesn’t open. The effort doesn’t come. If I could *just* we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

When I go through bouts of depression: “can’t you *just* get out of bed and take a shower?” Bitch, no, that’s what the fucking problem is. If I could *just* we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

For the last several years I have barely cooked at home. “Why can’t you *just* make something simple?” If I could *just* we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

Yes, I know my life and yours would be easier if I were *just* someone else. If I were *just* something else. If I were *just* different from how I am. That’s what everyone has been telling me for almost a half century, whether they realize it or not. Telling me that all I need is this one weird trick to being a normal human being absolutely does not fucking help. Tell the drowning man “you *just* need to swim”. It does the same good to him as it does to me. If I could *just* we wouldn’t be having this conversation.