Nilher Forever

Malevola would Not have two penises

She’s only half a demon if anyone’s getting two penises it’s Phenomaman but yall keep giving him tentacle dick and he shouldn’t have tentacle dick it should be Waterboy made into a Hybrid having tentacle dick

Or Maybe Sonar considering he could have a human dick and a bat dick that (and forgive me if I word this wrong) stays the same ratio in comparison to his hybrid body size and shifts size when he’s mega bat

If If If Malevola had a dick she would either have

Micropenis

Clit Dick

Or personal headcanon is that the demon side of her produces extra testosterone and she has a T Dick

I also think that she would be god like with her hands and she just needs to trim her nails before she has fun and they grow back the next morning (think how people get depicted when they’re finding out they’re werewolves in some instances)

I think Flambae would wear lotions instead of cologne and/or perfume bc they’re flammable but he still wants to be able to enjoy having smells like that you know? In Cafe AU it’d be bc he’s allergic to cologne and/perfume

Waterboy has this natural petrichor smell but with the very slightest hint of clothing that’s about to go moldy from being wet for too long (think laundry that’s been sitting in the washer for a whole day) If he collects colognes it’s those little samples you get in magazines and he enjoys them with his grandma

Sonar would collect as an investment much like stocks he gets expensive shit and has an entire mini fridge or two dedicated to them (he uses them only on very special occasions but on the daily he uses an aerosol can that’s either from bath and body works or axe)

Golem is in it for the love of the game, the smell doesn’t really stick onto him without making him muddy but he has a bunch of the papers that the shops use to let you test them and that’s how he enjoys them. I think he’d sell like traveler sized ones that were decanted (that’s a big word for Elmo) just so he feels less bad about splurging when he can’t even enjoy it like a normal person. Or maybe he invests in (or gets gifted) jewelry made with lava stone bc lava stone absorbs it and diffuses as it wears off

Robert has one cologne in his possession and it’s one his dad used. The cologne has since been discontinued and the bottle is already out of what can be sprayed but he still has the bottle bc on days where he wishes he was just a kid getting baby sat by Chase waiting for him to come back for a mission he takes it out of the fridge (tip given by sonar) and sniffs on it and tries memorizing it and tries to imagine what it would feel like to get hugged by that smell.

Like don’t get me wrong I do enjoy Dispatch a lot but imo Cult of the lamb has everything you could ever want in a game 🤷 they just know what their fan base wants

As fun as it would be having powered people making your coffees and running out your food I think ☝🏼 I think that this universe would have no powers (or at the very least the powered ZTeamers like Flambae, Visi, Prism etc wouldn’t be powered so they never turned into villains/reformed into hero’s bc again they’re basically delinquents in this AU) but still have hybrids exist so Sonar would still be part bat, and Malevola would still be part demon and Golem would be smaller bc even though he’s a construct he has no need to get bigger for the sake of work/fucking shit up in general so he’s liek 6 foot something at most (sorry I live in the United States)

Punch up is still short as shit but he’s like 4 foot 5 inches I’d think? Idk but tall enough to be able to reach all the ingredients and put the blenders on the base without needing a stool or else that man would be slow asf

Malevola would Look shorter than she actually is only bc she can’t safely wear high heels at work that or she’d find the work around of those weird high heel converse????? No I’d rather her not wear heels in any capacity (incase you didn’t know she canonically wear high heels and it actually pisses me off 😭)

But yeah don’t expect them in their uniform or in fashionable casual clothes these fuckers are in a weird shade of blue t shirt maybe a hoodie of the same shade with their bland ass name tag and jeans with nasty ass gym shoes and a stupid baseball hat or beanie in a navy blue and whatever accessories they’re allowed to wear (watches, earrings that don’t dangle too low, no rings at all, necklaces, maybe a bracelet or two)

No fancy hair dos either everyone with long hair has it in a ponytail or shoved in a clip

Think of The Amazing Digital Circus where they work at Spudys but take away the aprons and make their t shirt an obnoxious shade of light blue

Flambae’s niece signs up for Girl Scouts and it’s time to start selling cookies! To help her get her numbers up and reach her goals he borderline harasses everyone he sees through SDN: Robert, the ZTeam, Blonde Blazer and Chase. Hell he’ll even ask some of the SDN subscribers after he’s finished the calls he’s sent on!

“You want some Girl Scout cookies? I know someone I could hook you up, you know how difficult it is finding the good shit in stock in this area”

“No I don’t-“ “YOU WILL BUY MY NIECES GIRL SCOUT COOKIES OR ELSE“ 🔥 🔥🔥🔥

“Only if you can strike me a deal” “Each box is only $5 each I don’t know how much better it can get than that”

“Which ones do you like?” “Oh the uh the thin mints and the purple box”

“The purple box?”

“The Samoas” 🙄😒

Golem is the only one who buys enough to not only help her reach her goal but surpass them

Just like the betting randomly happening on call the ZTeam randomly starts telling Flambae how many of what boxes they want

“2 thin mints and a Samoas”

“Lemon ups, thin mints and Tagalongs just one box of each please”

“I need 5 boxes of thin mints”

“Shit hold on I wanna get some for my mom and my sisters family as well let me text them”

“Hold on what’s going on here why are you ordering cookies”

“Oh yeah Flambaes niece is a Girl Scout he helps her sell them”

“Yeah Bob Bob you want?”

I like sticking to canon as close as possible bc it’s that way for a reason However I think Golem is successful in the relationship aspect of life, like to the point that he got married at 19 at court but he doesn’t think it’s important to talk about an he keeps accidentally calling her his girlfriend instead of his wife so when people find out it’s a huge shock. She also rarely pops in so some people don’t even know she exists.

Malevola for some reason is an ordained minister and Golem almost asked her to officiate but she has to pay for paperwork to be sent in so she couldn’t do it. (Plus if you’re here,,,,, and I’m here,,,,,, who’s flying this bus)

Doesn’t stop Golem from being a MILF chaser though and making jokes about wanting to be with his coworkers moms (another reason it’s a shock that he’s already married) he’s not actually interested in them he just thinks it’s funny seeing his coworkers reactions lmao

They have a Minecraft realm that everyone got invited to but only a few actually contribute to

I think Sonar and Malevola are roommates but have the longest commute of the entire store so they insist that they need the same days and hours so they can commute together (makes scheduling harder than it needs to be) when they got hired it was a “sold together do not separate” situation

Waterboy/Herm is a little bit 🤏🏼 of a nepo baby, he got an interview bc someone with power who already worked with the company for awhile is friends with his grandma (at a little hangout she just went “hey do you have work for my grandson” and it went from there) the friend does not regret the decision though bc Herm has more than proven himself to be a solid member of the team, especially to the point that he got taught and “promoted” to being a barista (he applied wanting to be a barista but they asked if he’d be willing to start as a dishwasher and eventually get trained which he obviously said yes to) he’s consistent he comes in 20 minutes before his shift and clocks in and gets ready to work and often stay back late if needed (he’s not doing it to milk the clock he likes helping out the little details with managers bc he feels bad about them staying late)

To include the villains I feel like maybe Shroud would be one of the owners of the company that takes bad reviews to heart even if it’s a single mediocre experience during an amazing busy asf day and I see Toxic as being really shitty rude customer that can get Shroud on the phone

One of the really shitty things that Toxic has done is walk in with a bag of vomit and asking to return it bc it was food he had ordered from there three days ago and he swears it gave him food poisoning (there was absolutely nothing that could’ve given him food poisoning especially to that extent), Robert handles it well gets him a refund, and makes the Toxic dispose of it himself and makes sure he’s out the door without a fuss.

Sprinkling Galen in here I think he’d probably be the company’s director of finance (or idk something where he can be involved lmao)

They have a Polaroid camera to be able to have the photos of peoples pets on the bulletin board, the ZTeam likes to goof off and take funny pictures of each other and write funny things on them too. One of them gets used as a reaction photo in the group chat and it never fails to make someone laugh, it also gets put on a white board they use to write down important things and they end up drawing around it, for the persons birthday they even draw a little hat some balloons and a cake.

Sonar using Shit Talk is to de-escalate an angry customer in the incident that he got something wrong Or if it’s a busy day and they’re upset about the wait

Flambae On Fire gets triggered if there’s waves of a somewhat constant rush, cancels out if a remake needs to be made in any capacity (someone dropped it, it was rang in wrong, it was accidentally made wrong)

Invisigal/Courtney is black for the sole reason that she does what my black coworker did which is going to the bank with a manager (I’m thinking Blonde Blazer for the AU) and telling one of the bank employees (also a black woman) that they lock her up in the back of the store so no one can see her (this is obviously a blatant lie but Blazer is MORTIFIED to the point that everyone loses privileges of being able to go and she warns every manager that Courtney specifically is not allowed to be brought to the bank) this is the Normal Dispatch Universe equivalent of being banned from Granny’s

People tend to to hide behind barista station (I tend to shorthand to bar bc it’s easier to say and type just a heads up) bc the customers can’t see you as well so you can easily get away with being on your phone or chatting or slacking off in general.Plus bar is such a shorthanded position that they don’t like taking the only person working the station Off of it to help cover a different especially one they can get stuck on. Whenever this happens and Robert witnesses it he likes to put in an order for himself, a pup cup for Beef and something for Chase and instead of putting a sign, pager number or name he puts “get back 2 work :)” and that sends the message across without bringing too much attention to the issue (depending on who’s on bar this could be really funny the person working it)

Robert keeps twinkies and sodas in stock for himself and the other employees to enjoy, on a terribly busy day that tests everyone if he’s the opening manager (which is fairly rare but sometimes needed) after his shift is over he’ll ask what the closing ZTeamers want so they can enjoy snacks and drinks while they’re closing. During hot summers he’ll also surprise them with ice creams Blazer used to bring in a box of ice cream Twix and snickers bars but Robert brings in Italian ice cups that everyone likes better (and also hold better in the freezer if the team wants to save some for the next day).

Roberts Cafe AU flinching equivalent is when they’re testing the fire alarms. If you’re a barista you Don’t wanna jump while you’re steaming milk you’re just asking to get burned. When he’s going to grab a Twinkie to enjoy while it’s slow, the fire alarms go off he jumps bc even though he and everyone else was warned it’s still a loud blaring alarm meant to get your attention and get you to leave the building. He gets teased bc they do it at least once a year, if you’re in the business for long enough wouldn’t you learn not to flinch? (The right answer is no especially if you’re anxious that you might accidentally burn yourself)

Royd is the maintenance guy for the entire chain (it’s inconvenient to go all the way to their location but it’s close enough that it’s doable, plus there’s only 4 total locations for now so the workload isn’t terrible)

When Flambae gets stupid orders he turns to Robert on FOH expo and asks him if he wants one “Hey Bob Bob do you want a Peppermint Mocha but without the peppermint?” “….so just a mocha?” “Well look at the ticket that fucking Melissa just put in and tell me if that’s what I meant, fucking peppermint mocha with no peppermint fucking ass”

Something he also tends to do “this fool ordered it wrong so I’m gonna make it the way they ordered And make it the way they want it but put out what they ordered so they can understand what dumbassery they just pulled but not waste my time by still having to remake it later”(thankfully the customers in the area are just dumb and not scheming bc they do genuinely order it wrong and they’re not trying to cheat the system by ordering a hot drink but asking for it iced in the notes)

When Sonar takes a beautiful busty customer order he writes “you have great tits 💕” on the cup along with his the handle of one of his socials

His handwriting is this weird calligraphic cursive that hardly anyone can understand (the order system uses tickets not anything handwritten)

Several Z-team members double cup the drink so the message gets temporarily hidden, at first Robert would pour the drink out into a new cup but then he put his foot down and told Sonar he would have to remake every drink he did that to lest he made HR come down to talk to him.

Robert gets brought back as a team lead that gets promoted manager pretty quickly he used to be a really good barista at a different cafe but ended up having to take a small medical leave bc of an injury of sorts that really affected his hands (could be tendinitis that went untreated, could be he slashed his palm and needed stitches plus physical therapy idk I’m undecided at the moment) he’s cross trained to every single station he just mains on barista

The Z-team is a group of closers on their last warning that no other manager or supervisor of the sort wants to deal with (the only people that Can deal with them are Blazer and Chase but they’re too busy with other things to keep the store running lie making schedules and taking inventory for orders)

Blonde Blazer is a Senior manager she can fire she can hire she makes all the calls about rules and changes in the shop, Chase is a General manager that gave in a good word to get Robert on board

Waterboy is a dishwasher that makes an amazing barista once he’s gotten trained

Phenomaman is an assistant manager that got demoted to barista bc he couldn’t handle the pressure and kept forgetting things, even moreso after his breakup with Blazer he need a refresher for cross training

Sonar is good on register when he’s front of house (FOH) and on smoothies when he’s back of house (BOH)

Malevola is a good Runner but she’s also trained on FOH expo and register

Invisigal came in for smoothies BOH but worked her way to FOH to be a runner and register

Golem is the youngest team lead he’s trained on every station and is even allowed to be the only supervisor for openings or closings

Coupé is an amazing barista but she can help knock out a line on register and she can give back up on FOH expo and do a quick spot on smoothies if someone needs a bathroom break an no one else is available

Punch Up is Godly on smoothie station BOH but he can also be a runner and he’s trained for all the stations in BOH, he can spot reg and bar for bathroom breaks

Flambae is only a barista he knows reg but will only cover breaks and he knows enough about FOH expo to be able to support or cover breaks there as well, he’s the only full time barista

Prism is amazing at register, she can cover breaks for runner and bar

Oh also Beef is a therapy dog and the Cafe has a bulletin board with Polaroids of people’s pets (mostly dogs) filling the entire board

A little explanation of positions:

Register is charisma and intelligence based, you can be good at talking to customers but you have to understand the Point of Sale system (POS system) or you’re gonna piss everyone off

Barista is mobility and vigor with intelligence , you gotta move right, fast and you have to be able to keep up a good pace with good quality drinks and you gotta work around people asking for dumb shit like a cappuccino with no foam

Runner is hard to choose but combat, vigor and mobility fit the most you gotta move fast but you also need to be able to carry a good amount of things to the tables, and there’s a lot of shit that you’re in charge of making sure is right on the floor for closing

Smoothies is heavy on combat and vigor is similar to barista but with more heavy lifting

Expo is intelligence and vigor with Charisma bc you’re the one making sure orders were made right and sending things off to the right place it gets overwhelming bc you’re getting stuff from register, from barista, from smoothie station and from BOH/kitchen to either give to runners or set out as one of two types of pick up orders (one place in house to take away, one place online to pick up as take away) and you’re one of the first people to go to when something goes wrong for an order (ex: changed order from for here to take away or vice versa, salad with side of pita was not brought out with said pita, register forgot pastries)

Team lead, assistant manager, general manager and senior manager have all stats rounded out in a sense but at different levels