wien

because this was what i thought love was. because this way the only way that i thought i could be useful, that i could make you feel better. you only loved me because you could reflect yourself in my eyes and i would still love you. you only loved me because i could take your hate and turn in into flowers and give them back to you.

questioning if i did something, if it’s my fault,

if the slight change in their tone

means abandonment.

if their message is shorter than the usual,

if they didn’t say good night tonight,

if they cancelled the plans,

or if they never want to see me again.

how do i tell them apart?

these are all the same thing.

comes the disappointment, hate for this annoying human,

that my mom birthed,

which traits i’ve inherited.

i know it’s a never ending loop

of exhaustion.

no matter the good, the reassurance,

or the multiple times they told me ‘i love you’.

doesn’t make up for the times they didn’t,

the times i’ve cried myself to sleep,

thinking they hate me.

so i’ll only ask one last time,

when does it end?

i’m tired.