SOMEWHERE BETWEEN THE END AND WHERE WE FIRST BEGAN

So often there is a disconnect between the way my heart feels and the way my head thinks. In fact, the two don’t agree on much. Like two squabbling siblings, they just don’t get along, but are forced to as they inhabit the same place.

Growing up, and to this day, I’ve always had a struggle of believing that I am unworthy of being loved. My heart struggles daily as I often feel that nobody could love me, or that I even deserve to be loved. Yet my mind tries to correct this depressing feeling. I push people away as I expect that given enough time, after they get to know me, they will decide I am not worth it. It seems no matter what I think and how often I convince myself otherwise, my default is to go back to feeling unloveable.

I’ve been in love before. A few times. While each those relationships has ended, my head has gotten over many of them and I know it would never work out, yet when I see them or think about them my heart hurts again. It’s like my head has the message but my heart hasn’t caught on yet.

I don’t know why there is such a disconnect between the two. Without getting into the head and heart dichotomy of a person’s identity being a false distinction created from romanticism, there does seem to be duelling thoughts bouncing around in my head/heart. We often use this heart/head distinction to denote the different process by which we make decisions, through a combination of logic and emotion. Which means this is all about the tension between logic and emotion in our decision making process.

In almost every conversation I’ve had about Poker,  two arguments continue to surface: “Good Christians always tell the truth in everything they do, so Poker can’t be played by Christians as it is a game of lying and deceit” and “When you play poker you are taking other people’s money, taking advantage of people, and making your living off of someone else.”

Before I get into these I wanted to apologize for the huge break in this “series”, but I graduation with my masters, was in Honduras for a vacation, and have been busy working and figuring out life since then. I guess I’m apologizing for having a life. Plus I think this is the most legitimate argument against Christians being at the table, so it has taken a bit more thought to wrestle through. Here is the 4th and last post in this series on my thoughts on Christianity and poker.

As I see it there are two sides to this argument: Poker involves lying and deceit, and poker involves exploiting others.

LYING AND DECEIT

I feel this argument stems from an improper understanding of the game, or of ethics in general. Many people hear the terms “steal the blinds” and “bluff someone off the best hand” and, without even understanding what those terms mean, dismiss poker of a game for thieves and swindlers. First and foremost, you can play poker and not verbally lie. You have the option to never speak at all in the game, which is where we get the term poker face, when players sit perfectly still to not give away any information. If your opponent asks you if you’re holding aces, you don’t have to answer him, and thus do not need to ever say anything untrue.

However, Poker does involve a level of “tricking” your opponent, to make him think you are stronger or weaker than you are. This comes often through bluffing or unconventional patterns of play. The goal is to make your opponent think you have a different hand then you do have in order to get them to call with a weaker hand or to fold with a better one. This is certainly a tool you need to have in poker, but it’s not the only tool. Simply put, it is part of the game, but I think it is a part of every game. Should Christians do a pump fake in Basketball? A Deke in Hockey? Set a trap in Chess? Run a fake play in Football? Not tell the batter what pitch you’re going to deliver in Baseball? Deception is part of ALL these games.

EXPLOITING

A few years ago I was sitting at a table and a gentleman sat in the seat next to me. It was clear that he was incredibly drunk and not of a state of mind to be playing poker competently. I will admit there are many players who dream of such a player, someone they can take advantage of to make money, however my experience has been that most people at the table are decent human beings who wish to play a fair game against their opponents. Within a few minutes of play one of the players at our table went to the pit boss and told him that this gentleman was too drunk to continue play (something I didn’t know at the time you could do, but have since done it a few times). The pit boss came over to assess the situation and then promptly escorted the gentleman away from the table. 

For there to be winner in poker, there has to be a loser. This is the reality of any competition. Do I want to be playing against degenerate gamblers who are playing with money they should be using for rent? No. However, and though I don’t know the intricate details of everyone I have ever played with, I don’t think I have ever encountered someone in such a situation. Most of the people who I have ever played poker with have stable and well paying jobs, playing within their means and looking for entertainment, a chance to make some money, and to put their skills against other players. It’s a hobby for them, an evening out of entertainment. While there certainly are people who gamble and those who have an addiction, that doesn’t mean everyone involved is such. Not everyone at the bar is a drunkard, and not everyone at the casino is a degenerate. 

CONCLUSION

The game really started to heat up, and it was only 10 o’clock. I’d been at the casino for 3 hours at the $1/$2 table and had built up a sizeable stack. There were mostly locals at this table and I could tell they all played with each other often as it was a friendly game with lots of laughter. I was involved in a pot with an elderly Chinese gentleman and as the river hit I held in my excitement as I had the stone cold nuts (the best possible hand). He bet. I raised. He re-raised. I pushed all in, hoping that he would call my bet. Instead of just calling, he looked at the ring on my finger and told me he liked it. I figured he was going about some odd way of fishing for information, but I said thanks and told him it was a graduation present from my parents. He said that he’d like to make a side bet for the ring that he had me beat. I told him that it was a gift from my parents and meant a lot of me, so I didn’t want to bet it as it had sentimental value. He ignored this and put his bike up for the ring, tossing the keys to the bike lock into the centre of the table. I looked to the dealer for help as I had never experienced anything like this in a casino run game. He said this happens often and it was fine as long as every player was ok with it. Apparently I was the only one who cared and most people were just interested if I would take the bet. The Chinese gentleman urged me again to take the bet, but I told him I didn’t want to take away his bike. He assured me he barely used it, and that he had others. Reluctantly I asked again if he was sure he wanted to take this bet. He was sure he had me beat. So I accepted and we put all our chips, the bike lock key, and the ring into the pot. He turned over the 2nd best straight, and I the higher one. I collected my chips, put my ring back on, but passed the key back to him as I didn’t feel right taking his bike. He refused to take it as he added more chips onto the table, saying a bet was a bet and I had won it fair and square. As I ended the night, riding home on my new bike, I kept thinking how that was one of the oddest games I ever played in and it certainly qualified as one of my most interesting poker stories.

I talked about it in my last post, but poker definitely has the potential danger of becoming an idol in someone’s life. It is easy for it to consume you where it becomes your entire world. This is why it is not an activity I universally endorse for all Christians to do as some people can control themselves and not give into certain temptations. While I cannot deny that it can be a problem in one’s life, the risk inherent with poker is inherent in every job, hobby, or activity. Here are some of the dangers and potential pitfalls I can see:

Poker as an obsession - If you are constantly thinking about poker when you are at work, with your family, or out with friends, then it has become an obsession. At that point it is a problem as it is controlling you. This is especially true if you neglect the important parts of your life so you can play more. If any hobby, or even any job, is causing you to neglect important things in your life then you should reflect on striking a more appropriate balance, possibly even cutting that cancerous part out. While skipping work to go play poker is wrong, in my mind it is just as “sinful” as never spending time with your family as you are working at your job so much. Obsession is obsession and both are signs of an imbalance. Life is about balance and not letting things control us.

Poker when you can’t afford it - Playing poker when you can’t afford it is a dangerous path. Obviously it can lead to debt, but also because playing with scared money that you can’t afford to lose will change the way you play, usually for the worse. Like any hobby and activity, you need to learn to budget your poker activity. Putting your rent money on the table is just as bad as buying that over priced Raptors ticket you can’t afford. Hopefully, poker should also not be a negative cash flow in your life as every poker player should constantly strive not to be a losing player. Nobody can afford to keep losing. If you never win at poker then you're just throwing your money away and should work on your skills at a lower stake game (or play money if you’re already at the lower stakes). This, like I said during my story, also needs to include bankroll management into your approach to poker. Proper bankroll management includes playing within your means and playing profitable games that you can win at.

Poker just for money - I would hope that everyone gets some satisfaction from their job, and certainly from their hobbies (or else why are you doing it). Poker is a people game, and should be enjoyable. Even poker as a profession, grinding it out on the felt, should not just be solely about making the most money possible without enjoying it, having fun, or getting to know people. If you are playing poker just to make it big, then money has become your idol and your main pursuit in life.

THE BIBLE ON MONEY The bible presents us with a clear danger in being enslaved and of letting anything control you (1 Cor 6:12). There is a particular danger of money doing this in our lives (1 Tim 6:10, Hebrews 13:5) In fact, Jesus talks more about money then anything else except for the Kingdom of God, which means we should pay attention. A particular one that stands out in my mind is Matthew 6:24 where Jesus says we cannot serve two masters; we cannot pursue both God and money. The issue seems pretty clear to me: God should be our focus, not worldly desires like money.

Anything that gets in the way of your relationship with God should be avoided and cut out of your life. Poker, especially if it reflects a deeper idolization of money, might be one of those things that should be avoided. However, playing poker is not inherently wrong because of this temptation as the danger is present in everything where money is involved. It is all about how you approach it and where your priorities lie. Poker should not be your pursuit and what controls you. Money should not be your pursuit and what controls you. Fame and Success should not be your pursuit and what controls you. God should be.

POKER AS A PROFESSION I want to insert a side note on poker as a career. I think poker can be a legitimate profession for a Christian to pursue (again likening it to that of a stock broker). If it is your calling and where you can best serve the kingdom of God, I see nothing in scripture suggesting it can’t be a tent making approach to life (as long as idolizing money or letting it control you isn’t an issue). I have sat at many different tables throughout my life and have found it fascinating the reactions I get when I tell people what I am studying or what I do for a living. Often, after mentioning church or theology, people open up and want to tell me all their thoughts about God. Trust me, many of them do not pull any punches on what they think about the church, Christianity, or God. I've found that there are many players who frequent poker rooms who have no contact with the church or Christians. What a prime opportunity to witness and share one's faith.

The sun shone in my eyes as I sat in my grandma’s kitchen drinking a cup of tea. I got up out of my seat to shut the curtains, once again asking my nan who was peeling carrots at the sink if I could help her prep the food for dinner that night. She told me I could help by keeping her company, so I did just that. The radio was on and, as she walked around the kitchen and I continued to sip my tea, we talked about life. You wouldn’t know by how proficiently she moved around the kitchen that she was in her 80s, but she sure could move. In the background on radio we could hear a radio contest happening where they would play a sound and people could call in to identify what the sound was, winning a prize if they were correct. The sound played on the radio and without missing a beat my grandma says “that’s an automatic card shuffler”. Shocked that she knew what it was I told her to call in and she could win a prize, to which her response was “No, I would never want people to know that I play cards”. She explained that when she gets together with her friends every week to play cards they use an automatic card shuffler, but she could never have people finding out that she plays cards as playing cards is sinful (why she holds that stance and continues to play is a whole separate issue). My grandma believes that any card playing is gambling and thus should be avoided by all Christians.

When the bible doesn’t speak directly to something then it is up to Christians to discern based on Biblical principles, weighing the issue against the whole of scripture. Jesus never gave a sermon on poker. Paul never writes a letter to an early church warning about the pitfalls of gambling. Unfortunately we are left to figure this one out on our own. So the question remains: Is gambling wrong and is poker gambling?

IS GAMBLING WRONG? First, a working definition of gambling: Gambling is an act by which one party consciously risks money in hopes of gaining more money through chance. I think that should serve as a decent definition by which to proceed in the discussion. 

My initial response to if it is wrong for Christians to gamble is like many things, relative to the situation and the each person. You will never hear me universally promote gambling for every person as there certainly are dangers involved. First, while the Bible doesn’t really warn us of gambling, the Bible IS clear as to our attitude towards money (1 Tim 6:10, Matthew 6:24). There are plenty of warnings throughout scripture about loving God above the pursuit of things like money, making sure not to succumb to greed or make money an idol (I’ll address this issue in a future post). Secondly, gambling carries with it an addictive nature. When you are gambling and win there is a “rush”, a release of endorphins into your system that can create a very addictive feeling as you constantly want to chase that “high”. This is one of the biggest potential dangers of gambling, the risk of becoming addicted. However, you can become addicted to ANYTHING where endorphins are released. This is very similar to alcohol: while having a beer or glass of wine with your meal isn’t necessarily wrong, anyone who drinks is susceptible to developing an addiction and it can become a problem if it is not kept in check. If you struggle with alcoholism then don’t drink. If you struggle with a sex addiction then don’t go hanging out in the dark with your girlfriend/boyfriend. If you struggle with developing a gambling addiction then avoid casinos. This is true with EVERY sin, know where your pitfalls are and avoid setting yourself up for failure. Seems pretty simple to me. Is gambling an acceptable activity for every person, no, but that doesn’t mean we should condemn it for all based on its possible negative consequences. Again, it is up to the individual to speak as to if it is ok for them.

So lets say that you can gamble responsibly, is it still wrong? Well, what separates gambling from any other hobby? What is the difference between the person who sits down at the BlackJack table with $100 and the golfer who spends $100 to play a round of golf, or the person who scrapbooks spending $100 on supplies, or the photographer who buys a $100 lens, or the musician who spends $100 on a new guitar pedal, or the basketball fan who pays $100 to go see the Raptors lose, or the video gamer who buys a couple games for $100. I could go on. Gambling, if done safely, can be a fun hobby for people to enjoy. Why is one hobby considered morally wrong over the others? I have friends who spend thousands of dollars on hockey gear, and yet I’m looked down on for going to the casino with $200? Lets try to be consistent here in our criticism. While there CAN be danger in gambling as it can become an addiction or can get in the way of one’s relationship with God, any hobby possesses that same danger. It is entirely relative to how you approach your hobby, trying to make sure it doesn’t become an issue in your life.

IS POKER GAMBLING? Even though I think gambling as a hobby is ok for some Christians, I still don’t even consider poker to be gambling. Ok, let me be clear: Poker CAN be gambling, but it all depends on how you play. If you go and sit at a table completely relying on luck and throwing your money in whenever, then it is gambling as you’re relying on chance to win you money. However, and this is where people who don’t play the game don’t get it, poker is often a game of skill. Professional poker players do not constantly make money because they are the luckiest people around, it’s because they have the skill and discipline to play the game.

As I stated at the end of my poker story, I play with a system and a strategy. I’m usually a very tight aggressive person, what I consider to be the most effective strategy to consistently turning a profit for poker. When I sit at a table I am observing what all the other players are doing, establishing their patterns and how they play. I figure out who is tight and who is aggressive, who is weak and who is strong, who is a calling station and who will fold their draws. Taking all this into consideration I constantly measure my competition when I make my moves and use different strategies in order to win. I bet when I am strong and fold when they are strong, make moves when I notice they are weak, isolate players in order to protect my hand and push other players off draws, plant fake tells and hide my real ones, and calculate the odds when I chasing draws to see if they’re worth it. Poker, when approached in this fashion, is as much a game of luck as a game of chess. When I play poker it is not a game of chance.

This is what separates poker from other table games in a casino, because you are not playing the house, you are playing other players. The best casino odds will be 51% in favour of the house, which is where the expression “the house always wins” comes from. In the end, casinos are like every other business and interested in turning a profit, so they won’t keep games that they lose money on. Poker is different as you are playing against other players (I’ll address this argument in a future post as well), so there is no house advantage. Given infinity the casino would take all the money from their rake, but they have no interest in who wins or loses at the table. It’s not a game of chance, but a game of skill where you applying both odds calculating and reading people in order to make money.

CONCLUSION

I equate being a poker player with being a stock broker.

When you make a living trading stocks you use your skills to determine where to place your money so you can get the best return (if they’re a good stock broker). There is risk involved. There are wins and losses. There is a high danger of money becoming an issue and an idol. There is even a danger of becoming addicted and chasing that next big trade. There are varrying approaches to trading, having some people who rely on their skill and others who blindly invest. Simply put, trading stocks is a job of skill, playing the determined odds, and taking calculated risks…

All of this is true of poker.

"Poker"  The word seems to make Christians shudder. Poker player has become synonymous with the term sinner. Many think it is a game from the devil, and pure evil.

I’ve been doing quite a bit of reflection over the past few years on if I, as a Christian, can play poker. It is something that I love and yet playing has occasionally left me with feelings of guilt, like I'm hiding some dirty dark secret that I would not want anyone to find out.

Can Christians play poker? Can we shuffle up-and-deal and still follow Christ? Is playing disobeying God? Is it a sin? What does the Bible say?

Over the years I have heard many different opinions, with many on both sides presenting arguments that have been devoid of much thought, research, or biblical understanding. I decided I wanted to look into it myself, and I would write about what I found. Over the next few posts I will be looking at the “top arguments” others have given me as to why poker and Christianity are like oil and water; they cannot mix. The three that stand out and come up often are:

1. Poker is gambling and Christians shouldn’t gamble as it is a sin.

2. Poker leads to a love of money and that can become an idol.

3. Poker involves some deception and you are making your money off of someone else.

First, Let me tell you my poker story. I was first introduced to poker in 2003, learning the game from watching poker on TV. I, like many, was starstruck watching the amateur poker player Chris Moneymaker win the World Series Of Poker. Soon after witnessing Moneymaker take down the WSOP full of pros I started playing online for play money, just to learn the game. My first real poker experience didn’t come until some friends from high school invited me to play in their home game. I easily justified the $10 game as it was cheaper than a movie ticket and my friends and I actually got to spend time together talking. That and there was the chance of winning some money. I knew the odds from playing online and quickly picked up playing in real life with my friends.

I didn’t really play much throughout my first few university years, just the occasional home game with the same high school friends. I was too busy to play regularly as I was on the varsity swimming team. It wasn’t until I attended bible college that I started playing more. Yes, bible college. Bible College Poker In the first year of my undergrad I had a friend named Joe. Joe was the rebel in our dorm and he loved to play poker. He would often win our $5 dorm games that we had on the weekends after curfew. During second semester reading week Joe asked me if I would like to go to the casino in Regina with him. I told him I didn’t have any money and I didn’t think I was good enough to play in a real casino. He then clued me in on why he was asking: since he was from France he wasn’t able to drive in Canada, so he needed someone to drive him to the casino or he couldn’t go. He then offered me a deal I couldn’t turn down: he would give me $100 to play, if I lost it was no big deal, but if I won I kept all the profit. Nervous as a virgin on their wedding night, I sat down at that table for the first time dreaming of what playing at a real casino would be like. In my mind I was playing in the world series of poker and this free roll of $100 was a million dollars. I shook with every bet and didn't understand the casino rules, having only played in house games. But I walked away that night with over $600, pocketing $500 after I gave Joe his money back. He asked if I would like to come back the next night. It was reading week and I had nothing else to do, and I had just made an easy $500 in one night, so of course I wanted to return. We drove to Regina every night that week. I made just under $3000, not bad for one week worth of work.

I was hooked. I jumped at any chance to drive Joe to the Casino to play. We would drive the hour trip to Regina talking about poker, play from 7pm-4am, and then discuss poker strategy on the hour trip back. We were honing our skills, constantly learning and expanding our poker experience and knowledge, and I was a quick learner. The best, and probably most addictive part about it was that it was easy money for us. By the end of the semester we had found a few others who wanted to come with us. We now had 5 or 6 of us that would frequent the casino in Regina to play poker; a secret bible college poker team.

That summer I was living in Edmonton and I went to the casino there as often as I could. I was working in a restaurant by day, and then working the tables by night. My $22/hour full time position at the restaurant was still making me less than what I was making playing cards. I had no friends in Edmonton, the people I worked with were heavy into drugs and the party scene which I wanted to avoid, and I didn’t want to sit in my room by myself when I wasn’t working at the restaurant. This lead to a perfect storm where I would fill my hours at the tables in the company of strangers, and I once again was making a lot of money doing it. Soon I became a regular at the casino, and that company of strangers started to become acquaintances and eventually friends as I got to know the players and the staff.

My second year of bible college had much less poker at the casino, with only a couple of visits throughout the year. Joe had moved back to France, I had a much busier semester, and I was starting to wrestle with feelings of guilt for playing poker (even if it was paying my tuition). My love of the game was satisfied by joining a league that was made up of other students, professors, and staff of the college. It was a fun league where we didn’t play for money, just wanting to get together and play for the love of the game. Almost everyone called it “men’s fellowship” as if poker, even poker for fun and not money, was a dirty word. This was my also my first year seriously playing online poker to make some money, turning a $200 online deposit into thousands. It wasn’t that I was playing every night, but I played well and ran even better when I was sitting at the virtual felt. This was my most successful year of poker playing, winning a few big tournaments online, some that carried a few 4 and 5 figure payouts.

Graduating year I moved out of dorms into a house with some friends. This gave me a lot more freedom so I didn’t have to “sneak” around as much to the casino. Once again I had a heavy course load, but I found some friends who wanted to visit the casino so I was going every second or third week with them. I also played online here and there, but not very often. Even the day of my graduation, after the celebration with my family and friends, I went to the casino to celebrate and was there from around 11pm until 4am when the casino floor closed. My Biggest Hand After graduation I worked at a church in Lethbridge. This was the year of Black Friday: On April 15, Full Tilt Poker, the online site that I used, was shut down with all accounts frozen, effectively killing my online poker activity. I did join a group of men from the local baptist church who liked to play a $20 game, with $10 of it sponsoring a compassion child, and the other $10 going into the prize pot. This is a format that I hope to repeat in the future, hoping that wherever I settle I can find some friends who would like to do this. Back to Lethbridge though...

I didn’t have much time to play poker throughout the year, only playing in Calgary twice throughout my entire time in Alberta. Interesting enough it was there that I played my biggest, and probably one of my most memorable pots. It was right after a Flames game so there were many “loose” players there that night who were just looking for a fun night out. It would be an understatement to say the game wasn’t difficult to crack. I bought in for $200 at a $1/$2 table and built my stack up to about $650 over a few hours. Then THE hand happened. I had QQ, limping in first position. 4th position raised to $12, 4 callers, so I raised to $42 to try to limit who would see a flop. Unfortunately everyone called. I was just hoping to avoid seeing an Ace or King on the flop, but my dream flop hits: Qc, 7s, 3d. I had the nuts and the pot was already over $200! I checked as I was sure the other players who were playing extremely aggressive would do the betting for me. The original raiser in 4th position bets $50. Call. Call. Fold. Raise to $150 by the Big Blind. I didn’t want to scare them out so I just called the $150, but it didn’t matter as 4th position went all in for $300. 5th position called for his remaining $230 and the Big Blind re-shoved for $550. I immediately called, wondering what they could possibly have when I had such a dominant hand. 4th position had Q-10, so he was drawing dead to me. 5th position had 4-6off, drawing to a 5, a 4 outer. The Big Blind had 7c10c, middle pair. I was 82% chance to take down the entire pot of over $2000 and a 96% chance to win a $1500 pot if the 5 did come (and I didn’t hit a redraw to a full house). The turn: Jc. The river: 2c. The 4% hand went runner runner flush on me. I sat back in my chair dumbfounded by what had just happened. It will be a hand that I NEVER forget. I still ended the night walking away with $350 and though $150 profit is great, it’s nothing compared to what could have been!

Toronto Since moving to Toronto to do my masters I haven’t played much poker. This is simply due to the fact that, surprisingly considering how every city out west has one, there aren’t any casinos in Canada’s largest city. I have visited Casino Niagara, Caesars in Windsor, and OLG in Sarnia, but I can count on my fingers how often I’ve played over the past 3 years. 

At this point I’d also like to clarify that I don't win every time I go to the casino, though I have turned a profit more often then not. I play within a system of bringing no more than $400 with me to the casino (2x$150 and 1x$100 buy ins), only ever losing all of that money a couple of times. I also have rules to walk away from the table if I’m ever up too much where it is affecting my playing, or if I lose my edge at the table (other players tighten up, or I start playing poorly from something like sleep exhaustion). It's important to keep to your rules and have a system, whatever it might be, so that you don't have one bad night and blow all the profit from other trips. I have made quite a bit playing poker throughout the years, even through all the variance that poker has. If I were to sell everything I own and add that to all the money I currently have, and then go out and lose it at the poker table, there’s still no way that I would be in the red. I will never be a losing poker player. That is not an ego trip, but confidence that I have skills in the game (I know I’m nowhere near the best player out there, or even the best player i know), a good system (that took me years to create), and have made and spent much more than I could imagine losing.

That’s my story.

Poker is a game I love. It involves some of my favourite things: understanding people, math, game strategy, pattern recognition, and puzzle problem solving. It is a people game more than anything else, and it is also much more of a game of skill than people realize (I will touch on that in another post).

Privacy is a HUGE issue these days. We constantly worry that someone is looking over our shoulders to see where we are, what we are doing, and who we are with. The scary fact is that it is often not just paranoia, but there is “someone”. We have companies looking at us to sell us stuff, governments looking at us to protect certain interests, and others looking at us to judge our lives. 

I want to be clear here that I am operating from a Christian worldview: I believe the Gospel is meant to change our lives NOW. It’s not enough to just sprinkle a little Jesus throughout everything in hopes of something way off in the future. If you disagree with that, then you’re going to disagree with me on the rest as that is the platform I’m operating under. Before I deal with the philosophical issue of privacy and how I think we need to deal with it as Christians, I’ll somewhat address our loss of privacy to companies and to the government. I do not see the problem with the lack of privacy and I actually think it’s worth the trade off for what we get. 

COMPANIES I, like everyone, have preferences, interests, loves, and hates, and it doesn’t bother me when a company looks at these for targeted advertising. I WANT companies to look at me and say “you like ____, so you might like ____ that is related”. Targeted marketing is effective marketing. I even go searching out for stuff as it is. I think “Man, I love Ben Rector’s music, what other kind of music might I like?” and then I go to Amazon and see what his fans have also bought. A company doing this for me just saves me time. Don’t you love it when a friend, who knows you, refers something to you and then you end up loving it? Why wouldn’t you want a company producing that as well?

I can see the arguments building in your head, “well companies can persuade and manipulate you into buying more and more of their stuff”. First off, ANY marketing at ANY point in time uses this as its fundamental base. Your problem is not in privacy rights but in marketing. All businesses, by definition, are SELLING something, trying to convince you to buy their product/service. Instead of companies blindly lumping such data points as male, white, and 20-35 into one category to sell me something, they gather more data points so they can be more effective. If a company gets to know who I am as many data points so they can better sell me their product, I say let them do so. Business is a good thing, and if someone has a useful product for me then why is it a bad thing for them to let me know about it? Here’s why I’m not worried: IN THE END I STILL HAVE A BRAIN. I can still decide that I don’t need whatever they are selling, no matter if it is perfectly targeted at me or not. For example, the iPad. The iPad is right in my wheelhouse of things that I love and it is targeting strongly for person’s like myself. I would love one. Why do I not own one? Because I can use my brain to decide that I don’t need one.

GOVERNMENT Big Brother watching over us to see what we do. I don’t know about you, but I have no problem with this as I try to live as if I have nothing to hide (legal wise). If me sacrificing my “right” to privacy helps protect lives, why would you not want that? You will lose the argument, if you believe in the Gospel, and believe your right to privacy is valued more then someone else’s safety/life. Read Philippians 2:3 or John 15:12-13 and try to argue your needs are valued higher.

The problem inherent in our loss of privacy to the government is the possibility that the government could be pushing something that you don’t believe in. Well, first off, GET INVOLVED and try to change whatever it is. So often we argue and complain about the government and their policies, but the only action we do is use our tongues. How passionately can you believe in something if you’re not willing to actually act for it, the answer is not very much. Generally the government only sacrifices our privacy when there is seriously illegal that is putting lives in danger. Ultimately it's important to realize that some things transcend government. As a Christian my primary nationality is NOT Canadian, it’s to the Kingdom of God. My citizenship is in Christ. I’m going to submit to God’s ways before I submit to the Canadian ways. If the government tomorrow passes a law that starts killing off Christians, that is not going to change the way I live… You can have my stuff as I’m not going to need it anymore.

OTHERS This is the argument that bothers me the most as it is deeply rooted in an individualistic selfish mindset, one that is counter-gospel. When people say “I don’t want others to know what I’m doing”, I always ask why: What way are you living that you don’t want people to know what you’re doing? ... It actually doesn’t matter how you answer that question, the response is always that you should be living your life to reflect the gospel (Matthew 5:14-16). 

I’m going to say something bold here: The loss of privacy should be CELEBRATED as it opens up our witness for the Gospel.

Never before have we had such complete transparency with our lives. Everyone knows, or can know, everything in our lives. We are able to let others know how we are living, what we are doing, and who we spend our time with. Now I know that nobody is perfect, and that we have all fallen short and have stuff in our lives, but I think it's time we stop trying to hide that fact and start being real! I for one know I have crap in my life that I wouldn’t want to broadcast, but I think we need to move more in the direction of airing things out, not covering it up and pretending we’ve got it all figured out. My point is that the loss of a private life should be an opportunity to witness for the Gospel. If our lives are not Gospel-focused living, then that should change (1 Thessalonians 4-5:25, 1 Corinthians 11:1-2). If our belief is that we have the rights to live our religious life in private, then that should change (Matthew 28:19, Luke 24:47, 1 Peter 3:15). This not only affects our interactions with non-believers, but we’re meant to encourage each other by how we live! (Romans 1:12, Proverbs 27:17) 

PRIVACY PHILOSOPHY

I have friends who continue to argue “I have the right to live my life as I choose” and “I have the right to my own private life.”

These are two different issues, though they are definitely related. The first is 100% true, that you have every right to live your life as you choose. It’s called free-will and thank God we have it. BUT you do not have the right to live your life as you choose and avoid the consequences of that life. We will all be held accountable for our actions, so yes you can live how you choose, but keep in mind that our choices have consequences. Perhaps this problem stems from a fundamental understanding of the Gospel. It seems evident and I hope most Christians would agree as it's very scriptural: Being Christian means that YOUR LIFE IS NO LONGER YOUR OWN. For some reason we believe this, but certainly don’t live as if it’s true.

The second issue is an extended application of our desperate desire to hold onto the control of our life. Who decided that we had the right to privacy? Where stands it written? Is all humanity born with this natural inclining that we have this right? No. Let me be blunt here: You have no right to a private life. Let me be even more blunt in an extension: You have NO rights. I know that is a tough pill to swallow, and you probably are disagreeing with me. Here's the task: Think of a right that has NOT been given to you by God. Every breath that you take is a gift from God, meaning your life is a gift. I don’t mean that in the cheesy hallmark kinda way, but as a reminder of the reality that we have absolutely no rights, yet we are given much. Do we have the right to be heard? No, but God listens to us. Do we have the right to find love? No, but God blesses us. Do we have the right to stand before God after we’ve died and demand more breaths? Good luck with that. God is the one who graciously blesses us and rewards us with every right and promise we have. The ONLY real response to this is to humbly ditch your entitled self-“rights”.

Lastly, there IS no such thing as a private life simply as there is no such thing as a completely isolated individual. Our society, philosophically, has convinced itself that our identity as a human is “individualistic”; that we can find our identity on our own. I hate to break it to you, but you do not exist as an entirely separate entity. Ok, that’s a lie, I love to break it to you. We have come to this conclusion that has been engrained in our western culture that our identity is based on our cognitive functions (thanks Descartes). Yet, the cognitive function of any human is meaningless without the reality that we interact within the external. Our being as persons is entirely conceived by relationship. We are people because we are in relationships, not because of our cognitive functions. If my dad was in a car accident and became completely brain dead, he doesn’t cease to exist as a human person. He is still my father because I have a relationship to him. We are complicated systems of relationships, designed to be in relation to each other and to God.

DITCHING PRIVACY

I am advocating that we embrace this loss of privacy. “But that will mean I have to live my life differently”… Yes, it does. I know that it is not a fun or attractive message, but it is our calling. The reality is that following Christ will ruin your life… at least your self-centred life. Don’t get me wrong, there is ALOT we gain by giving it up, but there is still the call for sacrifice. If you believe differently, you believe in a different message then what Christ came for. Perhaps it is time we start ACTUALLY living like the Gospel is real. 

“I have a hard time accepting love.” As she said those words, as they entered the room, they took a minute to sink in. When you hear someone confess that is how they feel, you just want to tell them how wrong they are, how faulty an idea it is. You want to put your arm around them and tell them people love them, and that God definitely loves them! You want to quote every cliche you know. You want to bring them comfort, somehow. At least that is how I felt and what I wanted to say. As we prayed for her, all those things were said, hoping that she would learn to accept love. Unfortunately, this wouldn’t be the last time I would encounter this…

A week ago my church did a program called Experience God. Without going into the specifics, it is a program designed to help you draw closer with God through various activities, all focused around prayer. I went in thinking I knew exactly what God was going to tell me. As often is the case, He had something else to say.

“I have a hard time accepting love. In fact, often I feel unlovable.” I could barely believe I was the one saying those words. It took all day to sink in. It’s taken over a week to sink in. I even felt a little ashamed that is how I feel, that someone who has been so involved in the Christian world for so long could possibly believe that. But it came up over and over again: I have a hard time accepting love. Furthermore, I often feel that nobody could ever love me; that there is something wrong with me and I am unworthy; that I am unlovable.

I thought about the first remember feeling this way, when I first started to believe I was unlovable. Weirdly enough, something from grade 3 came to my mind. I don’t even remember her name, but I can vividly remember what she looked like, and the words she said to me: “Who would ever want to be YOUR friend?”, “Aaron, nobody likes you”, and “I don’t even want to breathe the same air as you”. This verbal bullying went on for 3 years coming, but it has been going on for 15 years in my mind, even if has been subconsciously.

When someone tells you something for years, you begin to believe it. It starts to become part of your identity. I, through the constant reminder, started to believe what she was telling me. Her lies became my truth.

When/if I ever have kids, I’ll tell them everyday how special and loved they are. I was believing that I was unlovable, but it’s not because my parents didn’t tell me how much they loved me. If anything, their constant love has been the reason I’m still around and didn’t fully succumb to the lies of being unlovable. But, despite my parents, I still started to believe the other messages I was hearing. I remember, in grade 5, my parents asking me what I wanted for my birthday. Years before I would have jumped at telling them all the things I wanted. I remember that year. I remember not having anything on my list as I didn’t feel I deserved anything. My predominant love language is gifts, and I didn’t feel like I deserved a gift; I didn’t deserve even their love. I also remember liking my first girl in grade 7. I remember liking her, but thinking there was no way that she could ever like me back, that she wouldn’t even want to be my friend, that she probably didn’t even want to breathe the same air as me. I had bought into the lie. It was now my truth.

Somewhere down the line I also transferred this belief to my relationship with God. The concept of accepting God’s love is still something that I struggle with. I started to believe that I was even undeserving of God’s love, that He came and died for everyone except for me, or if He had that He was mistaken. Still to this day I have a hard time accepting that anyone, especially God could love me.

I wish I could say that I miraculously got over this feeling, but I haven’t. Somedays are better then others, but I still deal with it. I honestly can’t help feeling this way. God knows I’ve tried not to stop, but I don’t know why I can’t shake it. Perhaps it’s simply because when you believe a lie for 15 years, it doesn’t normally change overnight. Somedays I feel that there’s no way anyone could ever love me. Somedays I just try to accept that maybe this is who I am, that I’m incapable of being loved. Somedays I tell myself that I don’t need anybody else, that I can just do life on my own. 

This is why I push so hard in my friendships and relationships to try to make people love me. As flawed a plan as it is, I try to win people’s love. I give gifts, create events, serve people, be the nicest and more interesting person I can be, ect… I try to find people’s love language and let them know that I care about them. I give my all. I try to be someone loveable, in hopes that one day someone would take the special effort to love me back. I try to convince people to believe the opposite of the feelings that I often harbour inside. It’s made me a people pleaser, trying desperately to win people over. I tried changing myself, making myself into the person that people wanted me to be. I thought if I looked like a loveable person on paper, then I would be someone deserving of love.

It’s not that I have all terrible friends and relationships, it is more likely a problem with my interpretation of them. I find myself usually giving my all, but often I’m left disappointed. I’ve let people in before. I’ve trusted them with my heart. Unfortunately it has only ended in pain, reinforcing this behaviour of closing myself off. I’ve let friends really get to know me, but it has only led to disappointment, hurt, and betrayal. I’ve had relationships that I thought might go somewhere, that someone might start to love me, but they have then quickly vanished and turned sour. These things have taught me that being vulnerable usually ends in being hurt. After this repeatedly happens over and over again you begin to question yourself. Having already bought into this fact that I was unlovable, it is very easy to just have that thought reinforced. Sometimes I think maybe I have developed too high of a standard for people. Sometimes I think it has to be me, that clearly I’m right about being unlovable. Sometimes I think there is nobody out there who could love me. Sometimes I have a hard time accepting love.

What I have learned is that this idea of being unlovable, something that has permeated my identity, is a lie. It is a lie that I’ve accepted as truth for way too long. Do I think I will miraculously get over it and change how I feel? Probably not. Is getting over it going to be easy? No. Will it ever go away? I don’t know. But I have to start somewhere.

I love getting together with friends to share stories. We gather to tell new stories that we have each made since our last encounter. We reminisce over stories in the past that we shared together. We talk of new stories we are about to embark upon. I cannot think of a better way to spend an evening (especially if food is also involved).

One of my favourite authors Donald Miller also happens to love stories. In his A Million Miles In A Thousand Years, he proposes that the elements of a good story are also the good elements of a good life. I tend to agree. In the same book he also has a neat take on heaven: "I don't wonder anymore what I'll tell God when I go to heaven… I'll tell these things to God, and He'll laugh, I think and He'll remind me of the parts I forgot, the parts that were his favourite. We'll sit and remember my story together, and then he'll stand and put his arms around me and say, 'well done,' and that he liked my story". I like this image, that heaven will be us chilling with God and sharing our stories with Him, reminiscing about our lives and where He was involved. Sounds like a good time and something to look forward to.

It's a good calling, to live and share better stories with our lives. How brightly a better story shines compared to a dull story that has no purpose. How easily the world looks to stories in wonder. How grateful we are to hear good stories, and how happy it makes us to repeat them. Why? I think it is because stories celebrate relationships. Almost all the ones you have.

In this spirit I have just started a story blog, a place I can just share some of my life's favourite stories! I think in the endeavour to live a better story, it would be helpful to get better at sharing stories. This is to remember where I have been, remind myself who I am now, and to take that information to better figure out where I am going. Some of these stories will have a point, some will not and I just like them. I hope to publish one every week, hopefully in a theme group of 4 stories. Feel free to like, comment, share, or even tell me some of your stories that my stories remind you of. There is nothing like a good story, especially considering that our story is part of the bigger story of God's story! Check out "Subplot Storyline"

When I graduated from my undergrad my parents gave me a grad gift: a ring. On the ring, in Hebrew, it says "I have loved you with an everlasting love". As I've been wearing the ring it has served for the past 3 years as a constant reminder of God's unfailing love for me, that through the good and the bad God is still on my side. What an amazing reminder!

There's more to this story though, it doesn't just end there. This summer one of the people I was serving with at camp pointed out that I am constantly fidgeting with and adjusting my ring, always positioning it the same way on my finger. I explained that I have always been partial to a certain part of the ring that I think looks the best. I adjust it so that I can see that part of the ring (as seen above).

It was only until I was asked about my adjusting that it struck me that there is a deeper meaning: It is how I've been treating God's love in my life. Though I "knew" that God loves me with an everlasting love, practically speaking I was not applying that truth. I had been living like there is a certain side and aspect of God's love in my life that looks the best. I had chosen and picked certain parts of God's love and only adopted that love in the way I want it to apply to my life. I had been living a mindset that THIS is the way God loves me but He doesn't want anything to do with THAT part of my life; He wants to speak to _____, but could not care less about ______; He love me HERE but not THERE. I had confined God's everlasting love to what I wanted it to be.

Thankfully God's love is so much more then I can imagine, comprehend, or limit. It's real, everlasting, and unfaltering. He loves me not only in one area of my life, but in all areas. The truth is that He wants to be involved with my entire life, even the parts I do not want Him to be. While I don't believe that God's love can replace all areas of my life but that we need more then just His love in our lives, I do believe that He does want to speak into and have a part in all of them; He wants to be involved with me and what is going on with my life. He wants to walk beside and journey with me. I'm slowly and painfully learning to allow God to love me in the areas of my life that I so desperately want to cling onto myself.

It is not easy but is an ongoing process that I am still trying to adapt to my everyday life. To remind myself of this I now wear my ring upside down and wherever it lands when I put it on each morning. I don't fidget with it or adjust it as it now serves as 2 reminders: God has loves me with an everlasting love AND God's love is always more then I think it is. That's certainly got a great ring of truth to it.

On a family vacation a few years ago my sister and I had the chance to go parasailing. We had the most amazing time soaring up in the sky looking down at the millions of jellyfish in the water below. It was an frightening amazing experience. When we got back to land from the trip only my father was there to greet my sister and I. We naturally wondered and asked where mom was. My mom was so anxious watching us out over the water that she couldn't bear it and went for a walk to calm her mind.

My mother worries. A LOT. She worries too much about everything. It doesn't matter if it's rational, she can't help it. It's part of who she is.

I have inherited that from her: A worrisome heart

A few posts ago (sorry it has been awhile), I talked about how I am like my father in that I have a very analytical mind. While I really love that part about me, unfortunately it often combines with the fact that I am also a worrier. I tend to think things through… then worry about each and every outcome… then I re-think things through while worrying about them all over again… then I reanalyze and recalculate again, worrying even more. It's a vicious worry cycle… I even worry that I worry too much.

Recently someone told me that I was a pretty easy going guy. Honestly, I'm really not. If I give off that impression it is because I have worked really hard to try not to be as uptight as I actually am. I am often consumed with worry, but I put in a special effort to try hard not to let it show. It's a daily struggle to not let worry consume me and shut me down, and occasionally it still does. Sometimes I get so caught up in worrying about life that I'm paralyzed with fear. I get so worried I won't measure up (I often don't), things just won't work out the way I expect them to (they never do), or even sometimes that they will (I know, I'm a lost cause). I even worry that I'm the only person who worries this much (I guess except my mom).

Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? (Matthew 6:26) My answer: Sorta (maybe out of a little of denial of the real answer). For example, I worry that falling from a height would be a terrible (and fatal) experience, therefore I try to avoid heights. Sometimes I think worrying can lead to thinking things through and being prepared, something that can add many moments to your life. A healthy amount of fear and worrying can really be a good thing. In the same breath, too much worrying won't get you anywhere. You can be too consumed with worrying about life that you can easily miss out on actually living your life. You can be so hung up on worrying about outcomes and expectations that you prevent yourself from being happy. You can definitely waste away your life worrying about the unknown and uncertainty all around you.

My dad can fix just about anything. Now while he might not be like McGyver who is able to build a bomb out of a rubber glove, gas pipe, toilet bowl, and a light bulb (I would not put it past him that he could match this feat), he is able to come up with creative solutions to fix whatever needs fixing. My dad applies this not only to fixing things around the house, but his approach to life.

I have inherited that from him: I am creative in my problem solving

I love fixing things and working with my hands. My Myers-Briggs personality profile explains this as being a factor of being extroverted. I can buy that. I hardly ever just sit and watch TV but am usually doing something else while it is on (I'm even writing this while watching some Basketball); I process things best when I'm working with my hands on something. Recently this has taken shape in a love of woodworking; a good evening is to throw on a movie and work a few hours on a project (that might kind of be a sad statement). I love to be making, working, or fixing something. I am very much like my father in this regard. Though I do not have near the extensive knowledge on home repair as my father, I think that will come with time/experience and when I actually own a house! I'm the type of person who will always have a home project to invest my time into, always wanting to improve where I live and keep myself busy.

I did not simply learn a practical skill of some DIY projects, but it is a way of approaching all problems. My father has effectively modelled that "out of the box" thinking can be extremely effective (or at least can save you some money). It has instilled in me to creatively approach problems and try to see them in a new light. The solution isn't always obvious or conventional. It is also mentality to not just throw things out because they do not work, but to see the potential to work on them. This particularly applies to relationships in my life. I believe in working on a broken relationship and not just giving up when it gets tough, in persevering where many would give up. I am very thankful that my father is as creative as he is in his problem solving and I hope that one day I can be even more like him in this regard.

We're all somewhere between the end and where we first began. Peace,

My dad is very analytical, thinking through things. He treats life like a chess game where you think many moves ahead. It is having a plan and a direction of where you are going. It is a way of thinking. It is how to be consistently successful in chess and in life.

I have inherited that from him: I am a very analytical person

There are two inherent problems with this:

1. The first is that I find it difficult to live in the moment as I'm constantly thinking about what is coming next. It is a fine tension that I am learning to balance, both experiencing what is happening in the moment and still thinking about what is coming ahead. I find the former a challenge and the later comes naturally.

2. The second problem is that life often doesn't work out as you plan it. Chess has specific rules and pieces can only move in certain ways. Life doesn't work like that. Sometimes it throws you a giant unexpected detour that is nowhere near what was planned. The secret, to both chess and life, is to learn to be adaptive in your planning and roll with the punches.

I find that often my analytical brain tends to distance me from others. Sometimes I feel that I process and think about things differently. I am often thankful for this as it gives me unique perspectives on things, but I also am jealous of people who are able to soak in the moment and enjoy life; those who take pleasure in everything without thinking too much about it. I think our similarity in how we think and process things is one of the reasons that my father and I get along so well.

We're all somewhere between the end and where we first began. Peace,

My mom is one of the most caring people I know. She has an amazingly huge heart for people and genuinely cares for everyone around her. I think this is one of the primary reasons she became a nurse, a counsellor, and a teacher: She just loves people. She unashamedly loves the people in her to the best of her ability.

I have inherited that from her: I am a very caring person. 

I care deeply for people with all my heart. I am an all-in or nothing kind of person. I jump into the deep end of friendship. I unashamedly, intensely, and uncontrollably love… I do not know how to do it any other way. Sometimes I honestly wish I could change this part of me as I often end up being hurt, but it is who I am. I am not one to care with half of my heart or to stop caring about someone. When I care for people, I really care for people. I want to give them my all and often I'm quick to do so.

It is one of my greatest strengths, but also one of my greatest weaknesses. Caring with all my heart means I am hurt pretty often. See, I want people to like me and I want to be important to them. It hurts me when someone who I care about doesn't care for me. It bothers me when someone is indifferent towards me. I get worked up when someone doesn't want to be my friend. I know so many people who would be able to shrug off, but it really bothers me. I do not know how to detach myself or stop myself from caring. Trust me, I have tried. All in though, at the end of the day I do have to say that I think it's better to be a more caring person then an apathetic one. I think scripture will clearly back that one up.

Though my mom and I have caring hearts, where we are different is in our love languages and how we both express ourselves. My mom's love language is time spent and acts of service. Mine is gifts and time spent… ok so we do have one in common! Though we both care, it comes out looking different. She will have dinner with you and help you do the dishes. I will have dinner with you and bring a bottle of wine to give to you (provided I'm not super broke). The base motivation is the same: We are both caring and giving of ourselves to people. I'm so thankful I have a mother who not only loves me, but has shown me how to love others: with all my heart

We're all somewhere between the end and where we first began. Peace,

A few years ago my pastor came to me and told me that he thought I have the same kind of humour as my father. My response: "Ya, except I'm funnier and better looking then him". My pastor laughed. He continued to laugh, more then the joke was funny. He looked at me and said "Last week I told your father that you two had a similar sense of humour, and he replied almost the exact same way". 

I inherited a lot more then my father's sense of humour. I am a lot like my parents in many ways, something I am often reminded of by people who know both my parents and I. While this obviously pertains to physical characteristics, I think they are mostly referring to mannerisms and character traits. I take these observations to be compliments as I hold my parents in high esteem. I think they are amazing role models in many ways.

I find tracing the underlying roots and causes of character traits and behaviours to be fascinating. It is interesting to see how what I do now and who I am has been shaped by my past. My parents have had a significant impact on who I am today so with that attitude in mind and mother's day coming up, the next few blog posts will be dedicated to my parents: I want to look at the many ways I am like my parents and what I have inherited from them. It should be a fun journey. 

We're all somewhere between the end and where we first began. Peace,

My dog Cabot loved to play catch. I would throw his toy, he would run after it full sprint, catch it in his mouth, and then return it to me. This process would repeat until either I grew bored with the game or he ran out of energy (usually the former). All he wanted was to get that toy and bring it back to me so I could throw it again. It was a simple game, but it was a fun game. When Cabot would chase his toy it was his only mission in life; he had 100% of his focus on chasing it down. It was only after realizing this fact that the game become much more entertaining for me. 

See, I could bounce his toy perfectly so that when he was running after it he would run into the wall at the other end of the room. When chasing the toy his entire focus was on catching it, so much so that he never accounted for the time he needed to stop. He would run full sprint, catch the toy in his mouth, and then slide into the wall as he was going too fast.  It was the best part of the game for me as on one hand he had this triumphant look after catching the toy, and on the other hand he just ran into a wall. He would then choose to ignore his stupidity and would return the toy so he could chase it down again, only to once again hit the wall. He never learned.

Sometimes we chase things and are so focused on it that we don't see the danger approaching. Our focus can be so intense on catching that one thing that we don't see the danger we're running full sprint towards. Furthermore, even when we get what we want, we can still end up getting hurt. Then we just repeat the whole process, not learning from our past mistakes. Sometimes we never learn.

We're all somewhere between the end and where we first began. Peace,

My incredibly talented friend wrote a song about me called "The Hopeless Romantic"

Go have yourself a listen. I know that I feel incredibly blessed and honoured to have a song written about me. It really means a lot. It's an awesome song and damn is it catchy... been seriously stuck in my head for days now. If you want to know the story about the coins, check out one of my earlier blog posts.

One of the key lines from the song is: "Love can be cynical, leaving you battered and bruised. He knows that love is patient and kind, so he'll never stop with his quarters and dimes."

It's nice to have a friend tell me that he appreciates and is inspired by the way I see love and commitment. In all honesty, it's also a much needed reminder of who I am. I've been doubting and questioning, been feeling pretty battered and bruised. It has been a hard year for my heart and at times I've felt myself turning cynical, bitter, and jaded... Certainly not something I never wanted to be. I needed this song, this reminder of what I believe about romance and love. Cause I really do know that love is patient and kind, I just need to keep reminding myself that I need to be as well.

I have been collecting coins since Grade 10. That's 10 years now... seems like forever. It is 4 jars of coins and over $2400 at last count. But, it's taken on a new meaning for me. It represents a dream, one from a Hopeless Romantic. I never want to lose that part of me.

We're all somewhere between the end and where we first began. Peace,

    - Aaron

During my undergrad my friends and I came up with a Theory:

"Food is always made better by adding either Chocolate, Cheese, or Bacon."

Think about it: What would not benefit from one of those ingredients? What is better then Strawberries? Chocolate covered strawberries. What is better then bread? Bread with cheese and/or bacon on it. Sometimes you can add more then one! It works every time.

I have to admit that my friends and I spent an embarrassing amount of time conceptualizing and discussing this theory. There were many nights invested in trying to think up a food combination that would not result in being made better by adding one of those awesome ingredients. These nights usually ended up with us confirming this theory AND being really hungry. Restaurants should just ask this question all the time. It will drive their business way up when people spend time thinking about food. The more people think about it the more will come to the same conclusion we came to: Unless it is already gross on it's own, it can be made better with one of those ingredients.

Things can ALWAYS be better. It is a theory of life as well as food. There is no such thing as perfection. The best moment of your life can be added to. That relieving moment when you pass in your final paper of the semester… what if there is a friend there to celebrate with you. That delicious moment you take a bite of a perfectly cooked steak… what if it was free (or came wrapped in bacon). That moment you stare into the eyes of the one you love… what if you're doing that while in Paris on a romantic getaway. That moment your first child was born… what if you secretly won a hospital contest for a lifetime supply of diapers? It is only limited by your imagination, and by what you consider better. Things can ALWAYS be better.

You can choose to take this to be a depressing thought: That what you experience is never the ultimate experience; that there is no such thing as a perfect moment. These thoughts of some greater experience can consume you. You can focus on what could be and will never be satisfied with what is. I know because I fall into this trap all the time. I'm having a great day: I have accomplished a lot of work, I had a great conversation with a friend, and am sitting down to  a delicious meal while watching some TV. That is a good day in my books… but then I entertain the idea that it would have been a greater day if I was able to share it with someone. While I am not wrong in coming to that conclusion, now the day I was content and pleased with is nowhere near as satisfying. It is a greed for life, to always have the best experience we can.

This can also be a useful tool as thinking about how things can be better encourages dreaming. Instead of being satisfied with whatever comes, we dream of the way things might be and then take appropriate steps to get there. We all do this all the time, it is not a bad thing to do. The important thing is what we do with those dreams. If we fixate on those dreams and hold all reality in comparison to them, then we are always going to be disappointed as life will never reach the expectations we have set. Plus, even if it does, we can always think of something better. 

There is a tension here. A balance of being content with what is while still dreaming of more. It is a difficult equilibrium to reach and some days will be better then others. 

I know I am not going to have any chocolate, cheese, or bacon with my meal tonight (simply as I have none in my house), but I am still going to enjoy my delicious supper. I also know that tonight I am not going to come home and have the love of my life ask me how my day was, but that will not ruin my day (though the rain outside might). I am living in a tension of being content with what is, but still briefly dreaming of the ways it could be better. 

We're all somewhere between the end and where we first began. Peace,

     - Aaron