☆- Henry -☆

Here’s the corrected version that I promised! Tbh, the solution I first thought of was wayyyy more complicated than just… flipping the line are and just grabbing the arms. But like it’s not like it’s ooc of me to try the more complicated solution that to just “struggle” for like 2 minutes.

I’m too stubborn for my own good…

First Markiplier, then the phm promo team, then David Szymanski, NOW KWITE?!?

The fucking maps that I’m looking at are like so crazy to see. They’re not hard to understand there’s just so much stuff going on at once. And also I don’t know which ones are the fully complete ones and which ones were made during the early days of in space. Also apparently there’s a fucking PART TWO to this shit???? WHAT?!? I just wanna know which one is the most accurate one since when was there a part two???

Omg these maps remind me of when I was still a Stanley parable fan and I used to have a map saved to my gallery and I was able to navigate it with ease. Eventually I was able to start memorizing most of the endings. How the hell was I able to do that I don’t even know which map for in space is most accurate </3

What if Grace and Rocky found the sm13 on their way back to Erid and they had to wait until Grace’s dome was at least useable before they could open it. Then they decide to have a “gender reveal” party for whatever creature is inside

Grace manages to find some party supplies hidden on Mary (he was confused ofc but assumed it was for after completing the mission) and he paints on a banner to say “human or alien???”. Lucky for Grace, he has access to a lot of different colored supplies so he picks out only the pink and blue.

Blue is for human because that’s the color of our oceans and pink is for alien because “it’s possible for the alien’s skin to be bright pink” -Grace.

Rocky probably finds it strange how picky Grace is when it comes to choosing party supplies but he probably wouldn’t care cause it makes his human happy even if he’s the only one that can see the colors.

To top it all off, Grace wears anything blue he could find and gives Rocky a pink shirt. Maybe he would also give Adrien a green shirt “just in case it’s a Eridian” (he knows that theres no way for it to be Eridian, Grace just didn’t want Adrien to feel left out) and the cherry on top is that Rocky stuffs a few shirts under his shirt to look like a bump after Grace tells him able pregnancy cough cough what who said that?

Anyways, after all of that party planning, they finally open up the submarine and they find Simon, who’s technically both in a way. Simon would be so fucking confused by this gender reveal party and would be even more confused when told it was for him 😭

Especially since I’ve been stuck in this stupid fucking middle ground for 5 fucking years. I’ve been stuck just not passing at all while desperately trying to socially transition and the closest I’ve gotten to passing happened when I was fucking 12-13 during Covid.

It’s not like detransitioning would make much of a difference anyways. No one respected my identity before, so what difference would it make if I just gave up all together? I’ve just been trying for so long and I’ve seen zero results. And like the only medical treatment I even really know I want is top surgery so if I don’t pass now, I’m never going to pass. Testosterone feels like the only way to pass but I’m not even sure if I want to take it. So I guess that means I’m never going to pass forever…

There’s only one problem with this; I don’t think I can ever go back to wearing fem clothes again. I hate fem clothes so much. I hate how it clings to tightly to my body. I hate how it exaggerates every curve. I despise how it shows off way too much of what I hate about myself. I might actually shorten my lifespan and make my suicide sooner than planned if I forced myself to dress feminine.

I don’t know anymore. I just hate this and I hate being trans and I hate everything. I just wished I wasn’t forced to take t just to pass. I wish I could just start passing tomorrow and everything would be alright. I hate my body and I hate myself. Everyone wants me dead even without knowing the trans thing. If I moved to a remote town and I never told anyone about being trans, they would still want to lynch me and they would still want to see me suffer. I hate being trans. It’s horrible because no one loves me and I’m doomed to be an ugly outcast for the remanding 13 years I have left.

I don’t know anymore. I just need to see another option. To “hear” another voice on this. I just need to know if detransitioning is worth it. I just need to know if the pros outweigh the cons. I just need to know than if I decided to become a girl again tomorrow, that all of the girls at school while see me as one of them and will playfully chat with me. I just need to know that if I became a girl again, the boys around me wouldn’t ignore me and maybe even just one of them will take interest in me. I just need to know that if I detransitioned, I wouldn’t be an outcast anymore, and that if I faked being normal for long enough, I could actually become normal. And they wouldn’t hate me anymore. And they wouldn’t ignore me anymore. And I wouldn’t be an ugly disgusting monster anymore. And I would finally be able to consider myself “human” enough in order to not feel grossed out by calling myself that. Or that I can actually relate to the stupid label.

I just need to know if giving up my comfort is worth a lifetime of self hatred but I’m surrounded by people who love me and view me as a normal human being. I’ve never been a human. I’ve been putting up an act this whole time. But will detransitioning help me take the step into being a human?

I decided to try to turn Rocky’s wedding band into a bracelet! I liked turning the sea glass into a pendant. I might try this again with my other sea glass :)

Like if I were to draw Simon, it would actually look like him! Like if I told you to point out which drawing was Simon you could easily go “Oh! It’s that one!

BUT FOR SOME FUCKING REASON I JUST CANT DRAW GRACE AT ALL!! It just doesn’t look like his actor in any way!! Like look at this! Who is that man? That’s supposed to be gosling? Oh that’s weird it doesn’t look like him at all! WHO IS THAT MAN?!? WHY CANT I DRAW GRACE?!?

AND THE WORST PART?? My first attempt at drawing grace was the only mildly accurate looking drawing. AND THIS WAS DONE WITHOUT ACTIVELY LOOKING AT A REFERENCE??? I JUST CANT DRAW HIM EVEN WHILE LOOKING AT A REFERENCE!!

I just wanna know what I’m doing wrong… Is the problem that Markiplier is easy to draw, or is Gosling just hard to draw?

Rocky touching Grace’s neck,” Why is Grace heart rate getting faster, question?”

Grace visibly getting redder, “I’m just worried about getting burned again…”

“Grace is lying. Can feel it in body.”

He starts sweats lol

Like I HATED reading just the first chapter so much. All the main character does is yap about science stuff I barely understand and then garden. LIKE I GET IT you went to college just to become a space gardener so now you’re showing off your degree by converting majority of your ship or whatever into a garden. If you wanted to become a gardener, you could’ve done it while saving 4+ years and a lot of money on it.

So yeah… I’m not in much of a rush to read Hail Mary because of that failed attempt….

Rocky: “How old is Grace, question?”

Grace: “I haven’t done the math yet, actually… I think I’m 37?”

Rocky thinking back to himself: Grace is only 37? But that is still a child! But Grace is a scientist for a spaceship?? If Grace is still the age of a child, how tall is an adult human???

Rocky starts vibrating in horror as Grace realizes his error

“I forgot to mention, humans have an average life span of 80 years”

Rocky: “So Grace is adult. Good good :)”

I think I haven’t felt passionate in years, actually… I don’t know what to do. Art is the only thing I’ve ever wanted to do. It’s been a dream job of mine for a while too… (an unrealistic one but one can still dream) But loosing passion for this is bad because what else am I supposed to do? Art is all I’ve ever been “good” at and even then I’m still bad at art. What am I supposed to do when I’ve lost passion for the only thing I’ve had hope of getting good at? I’m bad at all of the other hobbies I’ve picked up and dropped over the years. I’m even bad at playing video games! What am I supposed to do? Art has always been my plan b but how am I supposed to fall back on it when I don’t even feel anything for it anymore?

I just need advice. Literally anyone, someone, please tell me, what to do? I haven’t even figured out what job I want in the future yet and now this??