If someone close to you did something really fucked up to you in the past and you never knew about it, would you want to know about it or would you rather stay oblivious?
Yes, I’d definitely want to know.
trying on a metaphor
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@a-goddamn-phony
If someone close to you did something really fucked up to you in the past and you never knew about it, would you want to know about it or would you rather stay oblivious?
Yes, I’d definitely want to know.

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it's like i am literally never going to own a house or find authentic love or escape the clutches of late stage capitalism so really what am i living for
so true mr vonnegut
the wording on this Jack russell vid beamed a permanent mark onto my brain
Honorary bad kids!

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Say hi, ___!
DIMENSION 20: BURROW'S END (2023)
[ID in alt text]
they keep the silverware in the same place. you forget about it a little bit when you move out, but during the holidays, it comes back. the way you smooth over your life for them, a gentle reckoning.
for a while, you tried to find yourself by being wild. throwing your body at the emergency exit. finding comfort in the sharpness of a held breath. you used to write wake up on the inside of your wrist. you couldn't calculate the weight of your own sorrow, only that nobody was looking at the anchor of it. you tried maladaptive coping mechanisms like catnip. got caught half-in half-out of them. felt, weirdly, like you should be embarrassed of all of it.
but it does get better. mostly it's just that you become a priority to yourself. it turns out that lending yourself the ragged edge is just cutting open more marrow. for a while, it felt good to see a physical representation of inward agony. but who was that punishing? you learned, slowly (so slowly it was almost invisible sometimes) that you could put love into the wound instead. that the floor was comfortable because it was certain - but it was cold, and unwanting. instead there is a warm bed. you learn to treat yourself like a kid again. gentle-parent yourself into the shower and over breakfast and into laughing without effort. you do wake up.
but then you come home again, and it is like everything is a strange kaleidoscope of childhood moments. here is how you inherited your mother's anxiety. there is the same music playing, and you can't sit down without worrying you forgot to do something. your mother's clipped words and hovering hands - are you sure? are you sure? birdlike, you find yourself seeing unwell and still end up repeating.
here is your father's anger. you are 16 again. there was a moment where you remember thinking - holy shit. i am so much more emotionally mature than you. how you have to talk him down from minor inconveniences, how you parent him like an errand and spoiled toddler who can't be told no, and i mean it. you feel the warp of you. why you can't be in the same room as people having a completely normal conflict. why your skin crawls if there's ever a hint of a fight. why you live with your hands up, placating. and god forbid you get angry. you feel that little spoiled kid rage against the iron will of you. not you, not your hands. you would rather cut your own tongue out of your head, no matter how valid her argument is.
and you're so fucking far from where you were as a kid. you've done so much healing. and there's this little sad part of you that can see the shadow of your past, and your hands wrapped into each other so tightly you made your knuckles white. and how much your parents are just people, and haven't changed much, and still keep the spoons in the drawer to the right.
there is a long dark tunnel here, and it has a name, but you haven't learned how to process that kind of speech yet. close the cabinet. make a note to go get more oat milk. close your eyes.
this place was never home, was it.
kind of a milf.
none needed brother
i miss vhs tapes and cds i miss feeding my computers and tvs yummy treats. now theyre eating nothing. theyre being born without mouths

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I’m sorry, I can’t come into work today. I didn’t get a long rest and god gave me a point of exhaustion. All my skill checks are at disadvantage.
I am a mosaic of everyone I have ever known and loved and touched and I find fragments of them in my playlists and how I make my tea. we may not know each other any more but we will stay connected like this. I hope a fragment of me is with you too.
sudden urge to burst into tears. im not a toddler i just agree with their beliefs
World is hard, scary, confusing
Needs not being met
Little to no control over my environment
Overwhelmed and need some release
Desperately want a nap
Yeah, that checks out
get in loser we're turning our nihilism optimistic. if nothing matters why not try?
Me, checking IMDB: I bet it's Doug
IMDB:

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new taco-bell exclusive mountain dew called stop worrying your friends love you more than you know
haters will see you rotating the perfect sphere, yet not visually perceive the rotation due to said sphere’s lack of imperfections, and say you cant rotate a sphere