I miss... not writing, as such. But being a person who could write, if that makes sense.
I feel like I broke my brain. With work, maybe, with too little time to think and dream. With social media, for sure, with a near-endless stream of shiny (or stupid) things to look at. With short snippets of text, mixed with pictures and videos, nothing that I need to focus on for longer than a few moments.
It's ruined my reading brain, too. Sometimes, a book hits just the right spot and I can still do it, but mostly it's a struggle, too much, too long, too little variety.
And I know a social media detox would do me well. Rebuild my focus. Wean my brain off whatever hormone/neurotransmitter/whatever social media constantly feeds it. Spend time with my kid without constantly reaching for my phone. (That is the worst. I hate it, and I hate that I can't stop.)
But then. It's not just entertainment. It's connection. It's the friends in the phone, and the people I don't yet know well but want to.
I don't really follow "content creators". I follow people I find interesting. Like... the content is a bonus. But I'm there for the people.
No, really, so much. Longer texts. Written by people, showing as much about their personalities and lives as about their interests. Having actual conversations in the comments, instead of leaving likes.
I will never stop wondering how my houseplant blogging buddies from way back when are doing. One by one we all faded away...
And so I keep coming back to my activity pages, my brain gets its little dose of happy chemical because There's Something, and then it's just deeply unsatisfying because it's just a like, not a comment. And I come back three minutes later because What If Now?
And really that is not what I set out to write. I was going to write about missing being a Person Who Writes, both someone who writes clever plant things, and someone who writes stories. About driving along the river, and the pretty views tugging at my brain with impatient little fingers, "we want to be in a story!" Little forest sprites peeking from the trees, majestic ships on the water, dragons soaring overhead, long-forgotten snatches of song floating to the surface and bubbling over my lips... and the deep sadness of knowing I no longer know how to do anything with these things.