An Open Letter to People Who Are Now Engaging In BDSM-relationships and Impact Play Because They Read the "50 Shades" series.
No, stop, seriously, no, stop stop stop.
That series is not a good model for a healthy, consensual, supportive BDSM/impact play relationship.
That series disregards the feelings of Ana. That series disregards safe words. It is a very problematic series and not one to be learned from.
Look, BDSM and impact play can bring out a lot of emotions in people. Some of them are not good feelings. People can feel threatened, exhausted, unsupported, hurt, scared, angry, frustrated, defensive, disgusted, triggered, unloved, unworthy, “evil,” etc.
BDSM is not a toy. Impact Play is not a toy. These are actual things that are actual identities and you need a good, supported, experienced person explaining them to you before you decide to try them out (if you want to do it right, that is).
This silly book does not and will not supply this for you.
Look, I can’t tell you what to do, but safe words are important, and do not trust anything that tells you otherwise. Safe words are called safe words because they are safe. It doesn’t matter what they are. They can range from the forward, easy-to-understand phrases of “red,” “stop,” “no,” to the more complicated and personal phrases that some people hold special connection to, whether it be emotional or intellectual.
Safe words can stop people from being triggered. Triggering someone is an awful experience, and being triggered is an even worse experience, and sometimes people do not come out intact from them. A safe word is important in a relationship because you can grow together as partners. What turns you on? What turns your partner(s) on? What turns them off? What scares them? What makes them feel good? What makes them uncomfortable? What is good and healthy and enjoyable for all involved?
The “50 Shades” series is a terrible, terrible model for a healthy, happy, loving relationship, BDSM or not.
Sex-positivity is important. Please, please, please respect that.Â
Sometimes what we are told feels good and what is right is not and never will be the case. You are allowed to experiment. You are allowed to be fluid. But you need to know what you are doing. You need to know how to do it right. Sometimes what you see is a mockery of the truth, and that is not okay.
Here are some places to start:
http://fuckyeahsexpositivity.tumblr.com/
http://www.positivelivingbc.org/files/bcpwa/articles/sex-positive-reader.pdf
http://www.kinkabuse.com/?page_id=54
http://www.feroniaproject.org/a-sex-positive-view-of-bdsm/
Here is an essay on the importance of safe words.
Always remember that when trying out something new, you need to know about it first. Sex and sexuality and sexual identity is no different.
