my dearest

It’s today. i had been dreaming of this day ever since i can remember, at the time it seemed anything but possible honestly. i never believed i would love this much again. never did i think i would spend so much time with one person. it takes a lot for one person to captivate you this much after all. but we are here on this day and i am watching a movie beside him, on our bed, in our bedroom, in our apartment. it’s incredible how far we’ve come. from thinking we dislike each other to me actually disliking him and to this. married for four months and... wow. life really- is insane. unpredictable at most. 

And i cant sit here and continue to write about him or about today without feeling like i am repeating myself on script all over again but what can i do when he makes me feel wonderful every time he holds my hand? It’s been six months of waking up beside him, kissing him and being next to each other and i simply cannot think of a nice way to convey how much i love this boy. he is the light of my life, absolutely and the fact that it has been this way for six months and counting is just unbelievable to me. 

I care for him more than words could describe. I think he does the same for me. We look for each other like we need it, as if we werent adults who can take care of themselves. But that is just who we are. Two worry some men who care for each other and are constantly babying each other. I have been with this guy for six months today and i dont want anything else in my life. I dont want any one more. I dont want to give anyone else a ring. a dog. an apartment. I dont want to see anyone elses lips form the words ‘ I Do’ i never want to see anybody else marrying me. 

I will never be able to express the deep admiration and love I have for Moon Taeil but someday the world is going to be able to see it properly. Someday i will stand at the rooftop and properly address that i have never and i will not ever in my life love anybody else the same nor more than i love him. Not ever will this love story repeat itself in any of the ways that it could. We are ... definitely something that’s only lived once. Definitely one of a kind and i intend to hold onto this love and this boy for the life of me. I intend to hold him close and tel him just how much i love him. How much i appreciate him and never let him go. He is the best thing in my life and I am frankly eternally thankful for all the time beside him. Here’s to six months more. I love you, ugly. Happy six months. 

hey! maybe i shouldn’t be so casual, it has been quite a while since we have seen each other. and this time i’m talking directly to you instead of towards taeil. understandable enough since it’s you who i’ve been away from. 

my husband and i have changed a lot, i almost wish i was more constant with you so that you could see how that happened. well.. we haven’t changed a huge amount to where it’s noticeable to everyone but.. he’s grown so much and he’s helped me grow a significant amount too! i think we have gone through enough for it to benefit us. you know? he’s beautiful and he knows that more than he used to know.

he.. knows how pretty he is and how funny he is. he’s sure that i love him and of how much too. it warms my heart as opposed to how much it broke when all he could was think negatively of himself. i love him with my whole heart and it makes me happy to see that he’s heading that way for /himself/ too.

soon we will be hitting the six month mark! truly that’s a big step, something to remember. ever since we hit three i’ve been looking forward to six. it’s midway to the big one and i am so excited to celebrate it beside him. surely i’ll be back before then, or on the day. something nice is definitely going to happen though i still need to be sure of what that is. six months is a big thing for me, as i know it’s for him too. i’ve never been there before and i am just elated that my first time is going to be with my one.  i’ll try to catch you up quickly with things. we’ve had a few arguments we’ve gladly pulled through, a lot of /almost/ that have been scary. we spent a nice halloween together and before that we went to my parent’s and came back home with two new friends: frosty and luke! they are quite well together though very different. i’ll leave some pictures of them here...

this is frosty

our sweet elderly boy

and this friend is luke (skywalker, as taeil wished):

Two things to be happy about today! First one, it is a month since Fish has been a part of our family!!

Keeping this hyper furball a secret from you was honestly the biggest challenge. She moved around a lot the first time she came home. I remember... we brought her home and let her sniff around, immediately she went to gnaw at your things, so we had to be following her around everywhere. Then I took her to my place because at least she could gnaw things there and I didn’t really care but in the end she came back to your place and Ten kept her in his room. So many roadtrips in one week for this little one and after all she ended up in a place where she could see the both of us and call home. It has been a month since and she is so big now as compared to then, it’s almost sad T T. She will always be our tiny Fish still!

What a special day, right? I guess this is just who we are. We act rather than think and we prove that sometimes that can be a good thing. I still worry lately that you think i am speaking too much or moving too fast, even if we are already at this point in our lives - even if we are already married. 

We got married as a spur of the moment thing. I remember that I mentioned it at some point and it was mostly one of those ‘Oh my God, I adore you so much can you just marry me?’ moments. But you said yes and I realized that though I didn’t expect any sort of sincere reply to that I was very happy you had agreed. In the same night we planned everything, Naver was our trusted friend at that moment. We figured out where we could go, how much we had to travel, who to invite out of the blue and what we had to do. In one night we traveled to Jeju, Fish in the backseat and all our excitement and nerves more obvious than ever. We didn’t even have anything that was wedding appropriate but we prepared that same morning. I grabbed a suit from some place there and I came back to the hotel to you and before I even realized I opened my eyes and you were standing before me and before our family looking like the most handsome man i had ever laid eyes on. 

‘Choi Junhyuk, do you take Kim Doyoung to be your husband?’ the man said and I huffed, as if that was the most ridiculous question anybody had ever asked me in a lifetime. Yes. Yes, yes, yes, and a million times more. The second I laid eyes on you when you skipped into that chapel and i was behind you, my knees grew weak, i shivered, i was so close to crying but every other thing that was pulling me down with nerves and stress held me together at the same time. I am in love with you, the way you carry yourself, the way you dress, fix your hair, crinkle your nose, drink your tea, i am in love with the way you speak, sing, bite your lip, cook, smile, make me laugh. So when I was holding your hands and that man kept speaking like he needed to remind us who we were, how to love each other, i just sunk deeper and deeper into your eyes and in love with you. I realized that we could have gotten married in the balcony of that hotel we slept in and it would have been the most special moment regardless. This was the best night of my life and even though I know you deserve so much more than a rushed, tiny and secretive wedding I hope you remember it with so much love and appreciation like I do. 

Don’t ask me why it has taken me so long to make any comments about this. Honestly if i say that i have been too busy it would be nothing but a mere excuse because, although i have been busy, there has been one too many times where I have been sitting and doing nothing. Either way, we have been living together for a month now and it has been quite a trip just like everything else we decide to do apparently. Obviously things wont always go right, it’s just what happens in a relationship. 

I will never be able to stop saying just how amazing you are. you seriously surprise me every day by proving to me that you are one of the very very few kind hearted and attentive human beings on this earth. i know why i am in love with you as there is not one day that goes by that you don’t remind me why. a lot of things have been happening lately in my personal life and for us as a couple, i know you have witnessed it and i am sorry you have as well because it affects you like it does me. i know that. i wish i could protect you from everything but most of the time i can’t even protect myself from feeling it, i am trying my best though. i am doing my best to shield you from feelings you don’t need to worry about and moments that might make you sad without need.

out of all the people in the universe i have been lucky enough to be with you. you… the person that steals my heart every day. a guy that never gives up on what he wants and how he wants it. you.. the dedicated, sweet guy. the one who always thinks of me. i am so undeserving no matter what you say. i am so undeserving of something like that but since i was blessed with it i am also sure as hell that i am going to hold onto it like there is no tomorrow. we’ve been wanting to move out and there was a period when even something as exciting as that became nothing but a ball of stress, it seemed overwhelming and i wasn’t even sure of what i was doing. every thing seemed out of our budget if we wanted to be two realistic adults. it was upsetting because we hoped too much and for a moment we were shut down. but we found a place, it took a few saddening days but we found a place we both loved at first sight, a place that even when we saw it in person we loved it. we loved it even more. it’s small and it’s cozy and the bed is above the house itself, it fits us. it fits the way our little family is structured and i am glad we found it.

It’s one in the morning and you fell asleep during our conversation. your sleepy words emitted sincerity, they called for me to stay with you and it wasn’t as if i planned to do anything else anyway. these days have been busy days for the both of us as a group and as individuals we have been living hectic schedules. it felt like we hadn’t properly been around each other for days, didn’t it? ah but today was just relieving, i love calm days at the dorm with you. it’s nice because there’s no need to hide or to be proper or anything. it’s just johnny and doyoung, doing whatever around their friends.

A lot happened today, rightfully so. The beginning of the day on its own was the celebration of our one month together. We might seem insane to others because at one month we are already engaged and more in love than ever. It might even seem to some that it’s not real and we are only convincing ourselves of whatever we feel but it’s not that way and I see that just clearly as our friends and i know you do. We really are in love, we really do share so much and we really are compatible.

Your surprise was the most amazing thing ever, i won’t lie. I knew it had something to do with the color red and that alone made it special because you know how much i like that color and it’s not something you find me weird for or that you question. you just accept my love for colors and you give me nice things, like those red silk sheets. i have no idea how you managed to find those, or even buy them. i have no clue how you managed to find sheets that perfectly matched the image i had of the ones we had spoken of not very long before the actual event. everything was amazing, you looked beautiful in the candle light you set up, the roses complimented everything so perfectly, the aroma you set for us and the delicacy of the sheets that matched all the detail you had set up. i will never forget it

I haven’t written for a while. I think it’s just been forgetfulness if I’m honest, because a lot has definitely happened. Maybe I’ll explain quickly since this post is about something else.

Our one month is soon! I’m very excited about that and I know you are as well, one month is exciting even if it doesn’t seem like much sometimes. We decided we wanted a dog, even picked a name but we also found out tag we couldn’t. We’ve talked about moving in together, we’ve discovered different sides of each other, designed our first apartment. Confessed our love a few more times. We’ve grown, I think we are stronger which leads me to talk about the original subject of this post.

it’s easily been about six hours since he opened his eyes, unaware of half the words he had said last night. mostly unaware of those that put him in a promising situation, one he had been trying to avoid ever since he realized it. but there was just something different this time, why did he feel so bent on bringing it up to the two people that he loved the most? what was driving him to bring the topic back up when it had clearly destroyed them recently? it was doyoung. because even if last night he forgot how incredibly hard this was going to be and how much it would bring him down if their reaction was what he expected, he didn’t forget the way doyoung spoke to him. the strength he never failed to emit to him, he didn’t forget that if he ever felt motivated to do what he wanted to do it was when doyoung told him he could. here he is, in his room, then the kitchen, then the living room, all around the house unsure of how to start. ‘’i’ll call them in an hour.’’ he said for the past four hours, the other two he had spent much too preoccupied with it or not thinking about it at all, it was a game of pushing it past his mind, of procrastinating on something that was not even remotely close to work- it was a responsibility nonetheless. one that came with a lot of baggage if things turned out the way he expected them to.

he waited, and waited, and waited. convincing himself that this was not necessary, it wasn’t something he had to do. though his thoughts were partially true, if he let himself back out now then in a way his parents would be right. they’d never let him get away with it, they would never allow him to be who he was in peace. this was him proving a point, this was him saying that he wasn’t going to change because he didn’t need to, because he had someone beside him that made him want to be this way forevermore. the purposeful waiting only good to bunch up his nervousness in one huge clutter that suffocated all his insides. a phone with a purpose laid on the coffee table. a purpose, yes, one that he did not dare to fulfill just yet. it seemed to be mocking him every time he stared its way nervously, it seemed to dare him. Do it. Do it now. He was merely buying time, or wasting it, for fear. Of what? Unsure at this point. Mom and dad knew about his feelings, though they always seemed to almost convince him he was confused, they had already done their crying and they were doing their denial still. So why was he so scared? There was nothing else they could do right? There was no way that what had already happened could worsen but only prolong itself. It’s best he does it now rather than stir up a commotion when things are peaceful once more.  

‘‘They’re the ones to change.’‘ The soothing voice of his lover played loudly enough to drown that sound of the connecting phone call and his heart beating out of his ears. ‘‘Not you.’‘ Not him. He wasn’t ill, or wrong, or weird. Doyoung said that if that was the case then so were the entirety of them. All seven them had to be flawed if Johnny was. His large hands gripped tightly on the phone while it pressed to his ear, shaking and just thanking everything that this wasn’t in person- at least there was a barrier. Something that stopped him from seeing the disappointment in their eyes again. The beeping finally replaced by an older man’s deep voice, in question, like he answered to a complete stranger. ‘‘Hello?’‘ The frail voice sounded. Johnny couldn’t help but smile at this, he hadn’t heard such passive innocence in his father’s voice in a good few weeks. It was almost like he had not heard him at all actually. It was needless to say it brought him tears to his eyes, tears he didn’t let escape so he could continue to speak. ‘’Dad, hello. How are you? How is everyone?’’ Perhaps a very silly question since last time he had seen them he had left them torn. Quiet and distraught. How else would they be? It’s only been a few days. Did he really expect change? Ah, but his father was either the one ignorant soul or the one that really believed this could turn out well. The positive attitude emitted from the older man at the other side of the line eased Johnny’s nerves, it relaxed them and spread them from the mess they were just slightly and he felt that he should just blurt it out right then and there because at any other time would probably be a bad time, at any other time he would probably be much too scared to. But it just wasn’t wise, not now.

Sadly enough his parents acted like there were never previous conversations about the same thing. Like he had not gone through hell trying to live to their expectations and like he had not tried to open up to them- mom did anyway. Johnny could never really figure out his dad. Now he was on speakerphone and it was audible the way his mom bickered with dad about how low the volume was and she could not hear her son, another smile painted on his lips as this but this time it made him a little more nervous. ‘Please don’t listen to me. Leave the volume that way.’ He thought. It had to be like a bandaid, it had to be ripped out that way and said that way because if he did it slowly then it would hurt much more than it should and it would be much more difficult all as well. ‘’I’ glad you’re doing well. I miss you guys, I know I saw you recently- we are very busy. I hope you will be thinking of us during our comeback and that we can see each other again soon.’’ Those words seemed to excite the both of them, sweet souls who only wanted the best for him but at the same time had an erroneous idea of what that was exactly, well he was about to break it to them, making small talk only pushed him to drop the subject for now and that would be a waste of time all over again. Overthought for nothing. The happiness they both obviously radiated served as a cushion for his heart drop and the sharp words he was about to squeeze into a few sentences. ‘’Umma, appa..’’ Silence took over the previously cheery environment at the end of his words, silence that clouded him addressing them and allowing him to talk. ‘’We’ve talked about the same thing lately, not that long ago i even got to see grandma because she felt that she had to talk to me about it and i’m sorry that I keep bringing it up. I apologize for straining you both of your tears and your energy with me, i know you guys want the best for me and i know you love me. I love you guys too, i love you a lot which is why I can’t keep lying to you or destroying myself with my own lies. I have to be honest.’’ Heart beat speeding up per second because the silence continued and suddenly he couldn’t think of what to say, or why he was even calling. A knot formed at the base of his throat and it seemed to block every word his brain thought of and wanted to express. He couldn’t backtrack, there was no way out of this even if he wanted one. The ring hit the light and glistened in the corner of his eye, silence still suffocating him but that one piece he wore proudly moved him around. Brought him back a reason and purpose for why he was on this couch about to cry, in this call at this very moment. ‘’I love Doyoung. Yes, Kim Doyoung. My labelmate. My member. I love him more than words could describe and we have been together for a while now. I am going to marry him someday and I needed the two of you to know… Mom and dad, I need you guys to be there when the time comes.’’

He did it. Said knot in his throat evaporated into flowing tears running down his face and he was still drowning in their silence, silence soon broken by a disappointed scoff coming from his mother. Voice becoming distant, muffled, suddenly he couldn’t understand anymore. ‘’Dad.. I know I’ve surprised you guys a lot. I wanted to this in person but-’’ But nothing. Nothing that could be more important than what his mom had to say, the tears were obvious in her voice, it was obvious that he had once more broken her heart for the third time this short month and he couldn’t think of the time he’d forgive himself for this. The distant voice of the smaller lady was soon a bold one that resonated in his ear like she thought he couldn’t hear him, perhaps after all the times she had stood by her opinion and him still defying it she really believed he couldn’t hear. It was the same cycle as the one he had seen in person, the same thing. A vocally loud opinion from mom and nothing from dad. Which makes him wish he could see them now, maybe he could hug them, maybe they’d take compassion in him if they saw the genuineness in his words and actions. It wasn’t all just to hurt them or defy them- it was him, who he is and he just wanted to be accepted by those that mattered the most to him. The words his mother expressed were soon just as loud as her voice, harsh words you’d never expect a mother to express to anyone such as her child, words that you don’t even think a kind hearted mother holds as part of her vocabulary for the simple fact of being a mother but you’re wrong. you’re so so very wrong. Johnny could hear his world crashing down, he could see the way walls crumbled and cars crashed against each other with every word that his mom made clear to him but he couldn’t do anything. He couldn’t say anything. Not now. ‘’I’m sorry you feel that way mom. I hope you can see what’s truly the best for me someday.’’ But there was nothing that could bring his mom down from where she was, there was nothing that could be a reason or an excuse or anything to get her to realize right now. She felt the need to reiterate her words, her decisions towards the situation and towards him as a person and Johnny’s world was still ending right in front of him but all he did was cry and nod. ‘’Okay. Okay, umma. Okay. I understand. I apologize for bringing you problems. I will respect your decisions but I hope you know things won’t change. I lov-’’ Tiredness flooded his eyes, his face, he was tired of arguing with them. Tired of them not letting him say what he wanted. Tired of lying. But the remains of his world laid beneath him, shaken and destroyed along with himself, engulfed in his feelings, helpless, broken on the floor of the shared living room. Ready to isolate himself from the rest of the guys living in this house, to close up and let his feelings swallow him whole. maybe then he’d be able to be okay. He was tired of bringing sadness to his parents but if he was not to communicate with them or see them again, how was he meant to fix it? If his mom didn’t want sight of him, how could he call her every day to remind her he loved her without stepping over boundaries? What would be of free evenings without his dad? What would be of him?

this day was just a wild ride wasn’t it? i don’t even know how we manage to end up here half the time to be honest. i just feel that we both have too many emotions, they are both so strong even if they are just ours. it doesn’t have to be strong emotions towards us it can just be you raving about a song or me crying over a color. we have strong emotions and they are often the ones to lead us here.

i told you to sleep, but would you really be doyoung if you succumb at the first time and go to sleep? never. so you stayed and you said you wanted to talk, you said you wanted a story, like a little kid that’s looking for a dozen excuses to extend their bed time. a glass of water? maybe. can’t sleep, not tired, i need a story, i need you here. i said okay, i would be lying if i said i wanted you to sleep anyway, it’s always out of me looking out for you and making sure you are being careful with your health but if i could talk to you all night then i would. it was about 11:30 and we were both tired, we always make sure we know how much we love each other but by this time it was just a moment where we were so tired that our emotions were high strung and it wasn’t in a positive way this time around. it sounded like we were scared, i for one was after all of it. you said you loved me and that you didn’t want to lose me and my mind wandered in a million directions but i took the scenario where you did leave me. where i had to be without you and just how not okay that was.